The COARD: Cody's Vacation Ruins Everything

No. We are not reviewing National Lampoon's Vacation. This is a semi-quick explanation by Roy as to why The COARD has gone dark for a couple of weeks. Basically Cody decided to nab the lovely (If-he's-not-a-complete-moron-he-will-make-her) Future Mrs. Cody and head to the west coast, and then decided to drive back through the desert. I can only assume the above picture will be an exact representation for their trip back. Have no fear, much like the Griswolds; Cody, (the aforementioned potential) Future Mrs. Cody (provided he doesn't mess this up like an idiot), and The COARD will return triumphant almost immediately. 

     While Cody's vacation is a technically accurate excuse as to why we did not review a movie this week, it could not come at a better time. If you haven't noticed, it's a wasteland out there unless you are into Pixar releasing a third installment of their weakest franchise, or what I can only assume is a sub-par shark movie that was made immediately upon learning that last summer's The Shallows was actually really good. Cody and I kept looking at the third weekend in June with a nervous eye wondering what we were going to do. We got behind on The Mummy review (still coming by the way) and this planned excursion was mighty convenient. So when you think about it, Cody's vacation allowed us to keep our dignity. That's our story anyway.  That being said, we are in no way above ripping apart a terrible movie. Sometimes life just gets in the way. 

Spielberg tames the beast

     However, I got to thinking. Yesterday was June 20th. That date is cinematically significant. It was on that day 40 years ago that Jaws was released and the country collectively lost all control of their bowels. You can read our review of that great movie here, be warned... That was our first review and we were still trying to figure out what we wanted The COARD to be. That doesn't change the fact that we both loved the movie. Come to think of it, have you ever met anyone that doesn't like Jaws? Sure, it makes some people uncomfortable and they may be nervous whilst watching, but it's a great movie. One of the best. That film helped create the summer season as a destination for excellent movies. It's the perfect time. Kids are out of school, parents like to relax, the hot sun is beating down on us. What better way to spend some quality time together as a family than sitting in a dark air conditioned room for two hours while you stuff your face with popcorn? And oh by the way, you (hopefully) are entertained for 90-120 minutes. It's one of my favorite things to do with my wife and kids.

     Except we don't get that type of movie anymore. Sure the summer blockbuster season is still here. But the movies no longer surprise us. Each summer we have anywhere from one to three superhero movies to look forward to and everything else in between is just ok. There are a few interesting things on the horizon this summer, but I keep waiting for that one movie that drops in our lap and becomes a cultural event. Unfortunately, it just doesn't happen. I love superhero movies as much as the next guy, but I never dreamed they would anchor our entire cinematic year. It's not just superhero movies. Star Wars is definitely back and the revival has been mostly excellent besides a few problems with Episode VII: A Newer Hope. It's true, The Last Jedi could go a long way towards allowing us to look past those minor problems, assuming it's great. And yet, as it turns out Star Wars isn't even immune to the pitfalls of Hollywood. The news that the untitled Han Solo origin movie is going through a drastic change in the midst of filming punched me in the face yesterday. I guess I just miss the expectation that somewhere over the four month period of May-August some movie is going to come along and and burn down everything I hold dear, but in a good way. Where is the next Jaws?

How bad can it be? Nevermind. Looks dumb. Really dumb.

     Maybe I'm holding Hollywood to too high of a standard. I'm not asking for a new Jaws type film every year. But we are at the point where we don't expect them at all anymore. Have you looked at the coming attractions for the next few months? There are some bright spots but mostly it feels less than. Underachieving. It bums me out. And yet.... Maybe this is our fault. In the age of all the fancy internets, we have movie trailers shoved in our faces constantly. In addition to seeing them over and over, they give away so much of the story now. We know what to expect going in. And if you go to a giant corporate owned theater you get, literally, 20 minutes of trailers before your movie starts. Maybe the answer is to watch less trailers and go in to films completely blind. At the very least it would be an interesting experiment. Much like any given episode of Lost or The Leftovers we have a million questions and no answers. I just wish my summer movies would go back to surprising me. There are few feelings better than walking out of a movie completely floored because you did not see that happy experience hovering below you in the water waiting to grab your leg, drag you under, and devour you. It has become a lost art in Hollywood. Who knows, maybe I just need to go watch 47 Meters Down. It might surprise me the way The Shallows did last year. So I'm an optimist. Is that such a crime?

Cody: I'm actually not on a road trip at all. I'm in LA staging a sit in at Sony Pictures until someone explains to me how Rough Night got green lit. I may never get an explanation for why the summer blockbuster is dead, but I hope to at least understand how terrible movies get made. I've got to run, a security guard is waving me over. I think this is my moment. See everyone next week!