The COARD: Cody's Vacation Ruins Everything

No. We are not reviewing National Lampoon's Vacation. This is a semi-quick explanation by Roy as to why The COARD has gone dark for a couple of weeks. Basically Cody decided to nab the lovely (If-he's-not-a-complete-moron-he-will-make-her) Future Mrs. Cody and head to the west coast, and then decided to drive back through the desert. I can only assume the above picture will be an exact representation for their trip back. Have no fear, much like the Griswolds; Cody, (the aforementioned potential) Future Mrs. Cody (provided he doesn't mess this up like an idiot), and The COARD will return triumphant almost immediately. 

     While Cody's vacation is a technically accurate excuse as to why we did not review a movie this week, it could not come at a better time. If you haven't noticed, it's a wasteland out there unless you are into Pixar releasing a third installment of their weakest franchise, or what I can only assume is a sub-par shark movie that was made immediately upon learning that last summer's The Shallows was actually really good. Cody and I kept looking at the third weekend in June with a nervous eye wondering what we were going to do. We got behind on The Mummy review (still coming by the way) and this planned excursion was mighty convenient. So when you think about it, Cody's vacation allowed us to keep our dignity. That's our story anyway.  That being said, we are in no way above ripping apart a terrible movie. Sometimes life just gets in the way. 

Spielberg tames the beast

     However, I got to thinking. Yesterday was June 20th. That date is cinematically significant. It was on that day 40 years ago that Jaws was released and the country collectively lost all control of their bowels. You can read our review of that great movie here, be warned... That was our first review and we were still trying to figure out what we wanted The COARD to be. That doesn't change the fact that we both loved the movie. Come to think of it, have you ever met anyone that doesn't like Jaws? Sure, it makes some people uncomfortable and they may be nervous whilst watching, but it's a great movie. One of the best. That film helped create the summer season as a destination for excellent movies. It's the perfect time. Kids are out of school, parents like to relax, the hot sun is beating down on us. What better way to spend some quality time together as a family than sitting in a dark air conditioned room for two hours while you stuff your face with popcorn? And oh by the way, you (hopefully) are entertained for 90-120 minutes. It's one of my favorite things to do with my wife and kids.

     Except we don't get that type of movie anymore. Sure the summer blockbuster season is still here. But the movies no longer surprise us. Each summer we have anywhere from one to three superhero movies to look forward to and everything else in between is just ok. There are a few interesting things on the horizon this summer, but I keep waiting for that one movie that drops in our lap and becomes a cultural event. Unfortunately, it just doesn't happen. I love superhero movies as much as the next guy, but I never dreamed they would anchor our entire cinematic year. It's not just superhero movies. Star Wars is definitely back and the revival has been mostly excellent besides a few problems with Episode VII: A Newer Hope. It's true, The Last Jedi could go a long way towards allowing us to look past those minor problems, assuming it's great. And yet, as it turns out Star Wars isn't even immune to the pitfalls of Hollywood. The news that the untitled Han Solo origin movie is going through a drastic change in the midst of filming punched me in the face yesterday. I guess I just miss the expectation that somewhere over the four month period of May-August some movie is going to come along and and burn down everything I hold dear, but in a good way. Where is the next Jaws?

How bad can it be? Nevermind. Looks dumb. Really dumb.

     Maybe I'm holding Hollywood to too high of a standard. I'm not asking for a new Jaws type film every year. But we are at the point where we don't expect them at all anymore. Have you looked at the coming attractions for the next few months? There are some bright spots but mostly it feels less than. Underachieving. It bums me out. And yet.... Maybe this is our fault. In the age of all the fancy internets, we have movie trailers shoved in our faces constantly. In addition to seeing them over and over, they give away so much of the story now. We know what to expect going in. And if you go to a giant corporate owned theater you get, literally, 20 minutes of trailers before your movie starts. Maybe the answer is to watch less trailers and go in to films completely blind. At the very least it would be an interesting experiment. Much like any given episode of Lost or The Leftovers we have a million questions and no answers. I just wish my summer movies would go back to surprising me. There are few feelings better than walking out of a movie completely floored because you did not see that happy experience hovering below you in the water waiting to grab your leg, drag you under, and devour you. It has become a lost art in Hollywood. Who knows, maybe I just need to go watch 47 Meters Down. It might surprise me the way The Shallows did last year. So I'm an optimist. Is that such a crime?

Cody: I'm actually not on a road trip at all. I'm in LA staging a sit in at Sony Pictures until someone explains to me how Rough Night got green lit. I may never get an explanation for why the summer blockbuster is dead, but I hope to at least understand how terrible movies get made. I've got to run, a security guard is waving me over. I think this is my moment. See everyone next week!

The COARD: Wonder Woman

Of course we reviewed Wonder Woman this week. If you know us at all, you know that here at The COARD we are passionate defenders of the superior DC superheros. Oh, you want to argue that point? I'll give you all of the Avengers AND the Defenders and I'll take the Justice League thank-you-very-much. Stop kidding yourself. You're losing that fight. This review will go a long way to proving that point. Spoilers follow. However we promise to not spring them on you. And I can't lie. I'm currently tied to my chair with the Lasso of Truth.

Roy: The world has been eagerly waiting on Wonder Woman for aabout a year now. The teaser trailer debuted at Comic-Con 2016. It was widely praised. Mainly because it looked cool, and received a significant amount of help from the catchy Wonder Woman theme. You shouldn't be surprised to find out it was written by Hans Zimmer. Of course it was... The COARD is currently investigating claims that he sold his soul to the devil for the ability to write amazing music. When we know something, you will too... Moving on. Because the teaser trailer had been around for so long I began to wonder if it could live up to the hype. After all, Disney's campaign to destroy anything DC has been wildly successful so far. Why would Wonder Woman be any different? Let's start with how perfect Gal Gadot is in this role. I'm not sure who the casting director was that chose her. But it might have something to do with her history as Miss Israel 2004, a martial artist, and freaking former soldier in the IDF. Yes, Israel has a whole conscription thing going on but that doesn't make it any less impressive. Let's add to this list that she did her own stunts in the Fast and Furious franchise and she filmed a decent portion of Wonder Woman while pregnant. Guys..... Is she like, actually Wonder Woman? Because all the evidence seems to point that way. Beyond all of that, she's a good actress. Gadot made it look easy, which is often the mark of a person who is great at their job. Ok, admittedly I'm gushing. I should just hand off to Cody and maybe we can reset a little.

Cody: Gal Gadot is Wonder Woman. I refuse to believe otherwise. Can't. Won't. I fully expected to love this movie going in, so I guess grain of salt and so forth. That being said, I was still surprised by Gadot. She owned the role so fully. The only other actor to role fit in the superhero universe that compares is Robert Downy Jr. playing himself Tony Stark. I think it's high time for some gloating. DC is here, people. The Hans Zimmer theme actually goes back to Dawn of Justice. Something I fully expect to recur in Justice League later this year, and beyond. To be fair, the Avengers have their own equally awesome theme, but that's my point. It's okay to recognize the success of both franchises. There's room in this single universe for multiple multiverses. Wait. This is getting confusing. Where were we? Oh, right. The DC universe is finally blooming. This movie was obviously great by itself, but it was purposefully made to tie directly to the world of the Justice League. There are a lot of people using this movie as an opportunity to gleefully throw more mud at existing and future DC films. If you like superhero movies and you liked this movie, then you should be excited for the future of DC. After all, the immediate future promises to feature Gal Gadot. Wonder Woman. WonderGal DotWoman?

Wonder Woman has had some help

Roy: Patty Jenkins deserves a lot of credit for making a movie that was visually stunning. And I'm not just talking about Wonder Gal, although she is definitely included in that. This film had three distinct and separate feels to it. The Amazonian island, early 20th century London/WWI, and finally the setting for the final battle. Each setting was filmed in a way that highlighted the story and was fun to look at. The final setting for the boss battle that comes at the end of every super hero movie was especially well done. On a more frustrating note, it should be mentioned that the world is collectively losing their minds over Wonder Woman. While this movie definitely deserves the credit for its excellence, that same credit is hoisting an unfair burden upon its shoulders. Read any article on this movie, and you will be told that Wonder Woman is "saving the DC universe," and they are "finally getting it right." Don't you believe any of that. It's true, Wonder Woman grossed $103 million in its opening weekend, but it failed to beat out the $116 million opening that Man of Steel had, or the $166 million opening that Dawn of Justice had. So as much as critics Disney likes to complain that the DC extended universe is sub-par and has been rescued by the female combo of Gadot and Jenkins, it's just not true. Those two ladies proved to be a powerhouse that can hold their own with any superhero movie out there, and should be praised for their success. However, that success does not mean that Zack Snyder failed in creating the universe in which Wonder Woman resides. And if we could all stop acting like this film is a diamond found in a pile of poop, I would really appreciate it.

I want to go to there

Cody: Cinematography has to be the very best part of today's superhero films. There's just so much opportunity to create beautiful settings juxtaposed with epic action scenes. Love it. I actually already booked my ticket to Themyscira. I'm told I just have to crash land in the Mediterranean Sea, and I'll be there. Sounds easy enough. It is heartening to see a female led and female directed action flick achieving the commercial success it deserves. It's a big deal. I don't see any Marvel movies able to make that same claim; just saying. Have we made it clear we like the DC universe? Fine, we'll let the dead horse be. We know all about Wonder Woman's friends in the Justice League, but she also had some key friends in her own movie as well. Captain James Tiberius Kirk...would have been a way cooler name than Steve Trevor. Regardless, Chris Pine was at his usual level of awesome. The rest of the gang was a bit odd and unexpected, to say the least. A hodgepodge of guys who have been in some things, but are far from household names. Gadot and Pine are so strong, both in their performances and their growing career cachet, that it didn't matter who else was around them. I loved every minute of their shared screen time.

Now we come to the point where we will discuss in detail what happened in this excellent movie that is only slightly more excellent than the first two movies in the DC Extended Universe and you can't make us believe otherwise. 

Roy: Despite all of the goodness that surrounds Wonder Woman, I did have a "Wait.... huh?" moment. Robin Wright plays Antiope, Diana's aunt and the fiercest warrior of the Amazons. My brain was wondering how I was supposed to buy The Princess/Jenny/Claire Underwood in this new role. I just didn't expect it. That's not to say that Wright wasn't a good choice and stunk up the screen, because she didn't. Let's be totally honest with one another, she has never been the problem in a movie. In fact, she only enhances whatever you're watching with her in it. Wonder Woman is no exception. Something surprised me about this casting. She was this revered general of the Amazon army, and I've never seen her do anything like that before. She once again proved that it didn't matter. Wright can pretty much do whatever she wants. I should probably never doubt someone who displayed the ability to co-exist with Sean Penn for any real amount of time. On the other hand, the "fiercest warrior" of the Amazons died in the first 20 minutes of the movie. So how good could she really have been? Kirk wasn't fast enough to save her. He was busy saving Wonder Gal's life, which he can't be blamed for. It wasn't Antiope who pulled him out of the ocean and was giving him the bedroom eyes almost immediately. While we are not blaming people.... Wonder Gal should also not be blamed for the said bedroom eyes giving. Cody has been giving Kirk the bedroom eyes for a few years now.

Cody: Okay, first of all, you haven't been giving Kirk bedroom eyes? You literally created the Coolest Person in the History of All Things Ever award just to give to him. Granted, I enthusiastically agreed with you, but that's beside the point. Everyone loves Kirk, and everyone should! I too was surprised to see Robin Wright in this. It's difficult not to see her as Claire Underwood right now, but yea, we didn't need to adjust for very long. She gone. I really liked that this was set in the 1910s, The women's suffrage movement hadn't even succeeded yet! Juxtaposing the warrior princess against this more misogynistic time period allowed for a lot of effortless "Girl Power!" moments. Diana walking right into the all male strategy meeting for WWI. Diana yelling at a general for disregarding the loss of innocent lives from the safety of his office. Wonder Woman breaking a year long stalemate somewhere on the front lines by just bulldozing through German troops with dumbfounded male soldiers following her lead. Not only is she a freaking sweet super hero, but she is also a great woman. Jenkins clearly wanted to make exactly that point, and she did so exceptionally well.

The epitome of the every man's body

Roy: Speaking of Jenkins, I really enjoyed how well she kept the bad guy reveal under wraps until the exact moment that she wanted you to know who Ares truly was. There was no telegraphing moments that amounted to the bad guy all but winking at the camera and twisting his mustache. From the moment that Diana figured out who Ludendorff was, it was obvious to me that he was not the main bad guy. He had lackey written all over him. With this film being heavy on the girl power I expected Dr. Maru, the biochemical creating madwoman to end up as the top villain. Learning that the always excellent David Thewlis was handed that role surprised me. He spent the majority of the movie being helpful and supportive, yet not overly so. Thewlis gets some of the credit for playing the character so well. Which is not surprising because when hasn't he been brilliant? Unfortunately, he was also central to the only truly laughable moment of the movie. Once he transformed to Ares, the god of war, he had a body that one would associate with a Greek god. Jenkins went with talent over physiology. It was the right move. It was still funny to see him jacked. 

Cody: I really did not expect him to end up being the main villain. I had started to wonder if Ares was just not going to appear in the movie despite the clear foreshadowing from the Amazons earlier. I was impressed by that as well. I was also impressed by the central theme of believing in humanity. Not since The Dark Knight has a superhero movie so perfectly nailed the relationship between heroes and humanity. In order to keep doing their job, they have to believe in us as much as we believe in them. In the climactic moment of Wonder Woman, she is ready to walk away from humanity for good. She finds a reason to believe and fight despite the fact that humanity doesn't deserve her (what could be that reason? Oh, I don't know. Maybe her love of Captain Kirk!!). The final battle was great, but it was made so much better after watching her debate walking away from it all. Completing the Justice League connection, Bruce reminds her of how she once believed in humanity, by well, reminding her of her lost love. We all love Wonder Woman. We all love Batman. Superman is...dead? Let's get ready for Justice League!

The COARD: Baywatch

The COARD goes swimming. Sometimes you have to get on that board and try to ride the big one, but sometimes the waves send you flying. You attempt to build an elaborate sand castle, but the rising tide comes in and sweeps it away. You try to resurrect a cheesy 80s TV franchise, and...

Cody: Well, it wasn't horrible. But was it any good? It's really tough to say. This movie left me internally befuddled. I laughed hard. More than once! I also rolled my eyes, mock vomited, and faked sleep. It feels like I should say this movie was mediocre, and that's probably the best way to describe it. Although, I want it to be clear that this movie was never mediocre in any one single moment. If you pull a random three minute clip of this film, it's either going to be pretty freaking funny or borderline painful to watch, with very little in between. That just doesn't happen often! And nobody was immune! Overall, the cast did a competent job holding up the movie as far as they could, but still. Dwayne Johnson displayed his usual charm but had some stinker moments and lines. Efron was up and down. Daddario was mostly solid, but I'm not prepared to rave about her either. The best moments definitely included Johnson and Efron sharing the screen, and I feel satisfied with my expectations for the two of them going in. There's just so many other things that torpedoed expectations that I'm left with that befuddlement. Maybe Roy has more clarity.

Roy: This is our fourth movie review this summer. Maybe you're tired of Cody and I agreeing over everything. Well it's not our fault we're right! I blame Seth Gordon for making a movie with an outrageous premise and only passing moments of good comedy. At times, Baywatch knew exactly what it was. A show about lifeguards pretending to be police. Which is even more ridiculous if you say that out loud. Because they were, at times aware of this fact, they made fun of themselves and the original show. These were some of the better moments. However, this film fell prey to the same problem that the original show did. The story would progress and they took themselves a little too seriously... Ok, way too seriously. Which was odd because it was clear they did not set out with that intent. Unfortunately the deeper in the story we got, the worse this movie became. Baywatch was at its best in the light moments, unfortunately when it tried to get real it fell flat on its face. The saving grace was how well it was cast. Namely the two leads. That's not to say the supporting cast drowned in failure. On the contrary they showed up to work and got the job done, even if none of them shined. If this movie did not have the star power of Johnson and Efron as the driving force, it would have been an unmitigated disaster.

Pretty actor,
looking to be taken seriously

Cody: I agree with Roy that our agreement is because of our superior ability to review films. Agree agree agree. Anyway, I really want Efron to be better than he is. He hasn't done anything legitimately good since the first Neighbors. We Are Your Friends was obviously a disaster, Dirty Grandpa was almost decent, and Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates was mostly painful. I just...I just want my boy Efron to be considered a success. At the very least a solid lead in funny films. He's more than just a pretty face! I swear! Dwayne Johnson is in every movie, so he can afford a less than epic outing like this. Sigh. He's got a movie coming out this Christmas where he stars alongside Hugh Jackman called The Greatest Showman. No trailer yet, but I am tentatively hopeful for this one. Are you with me, Roy? Eh?

Roy: Well Cody, the good news is your boy Zac has accepted the litmus test that will prove once and for all if he's got the chops to make it, or if he's destined to be just another pretty face. He is going to star in Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile which is the story of one Ted Bundy. If Efron transforms himself into arguably the worst serial killer in our country's history than he will definitely be viewed differently. Only time will tell. Also, I know what everyone is thinking, and I resent the implication that we are occupying our time with Zac Efron filler because we chose to review a sub-par movie. This is an important issue! Who would have thought that the kid from High School Musical would get this far? Not us, and certainly none of you. You want me to sum up Baywatch for you in one sentence? It was a movie that was at times painful in its execution, while managing to be legitimately funny in small moments. There. That's the movie. If you do not handle adult humor and male nudity well, you definitely should not go see this movie. If you are bored and have nothing going on..... you definitely have better options available to you. I'm not saying don't waste your time, but you will definitely feel like you mostly wasted 120 minutes when you are through.

We will now discuss the key plot points, or lack thereof, for this movie. If you would prefer to avoid spoilers, this is your exit point.

Cody: Okay, so let's stay on Efron for a minute. His character was directly based on Ryan Lochte, right? The writers either did this on purpose or they did it on accident, but nobody can convince me it isn't the case. The worst parts of the movie that included Efron were centered around his arrogant but insecure Olympic swimmer profile. Although, it was still better than What Would Ryan Lochte Do?. The fun flip side of this was Johnson refusing to ever call Efron's character by his real name, peaking when Johnson straight up called him, "High School Musical." I would like to know how many of those lines were improvised, because my guess is it was a lot of them. Basically, Dwayne Johnson is the best.

Zac is wondering the same thing as the rest of us

Roy: If there was one Olympic swimmer that we all had to bet on staying up late the night before the relay and losing it for his team by vomiting in the pool, we would all choose Ryan Lochte. But that story line didn't bother me too badly. Efron did a great job with what he was given. There were a few things that really bothered me. Mainly, the chubby dork in the movie. I haven't seen him in anything else, and I won't bother learning his name because I'd rather forget him all together. This is a trope that is familiar to many movies. The dork longs to run with the cool kids, and for some unexplained reason they let him in. This was fine, we've all seen it before. Baywatch didn't add anything new to that particular story line. In addition, the guy acts like a pathetic moron in front of the woman he is in love with and has zero redeeming qualities when it comes to wooing his muse. We all have come to expect that he will get the hard friend zone from the hot girl he's slobbering over, right? Wrong. Inexplicably, they end up together. It would almost be believable if the two actors had any chemistry with one another. Sadly, they did not. Can someone have negative chemistry? Because they did. It was negative amounts of chemistry between the lovely Kelly Rohrbach and "the guy with the most underwhelming IMDB filmography ever." Some of the most painful on screen moments came courtesy of these two.

Cody: They literally had negative chemistry. I found myself frequently wondering if the material was more to blame or the actors. It was a legitimately tough debate. Both were quite bad. There was only one pairing in the movie that was worse than those two. Priyanka Chopra and anybody. Particularly when she was doing solo duty as the villain. The scenes with Oscar from The Office felt like they should be tense, but were so far from it that I wondered if they were supposed to be funny. They weren't funny either. I still have no clue if she was a villain that was supposed to be taken seriously (not even close) or was meant to be a funny cliche of action movie villains (closer, but still missing the mark). There's a central theme here. I did far too much thinking in this movie. I walk into a summer blockbuster starring the likes of Efron and Johnson, and I want to clear my mind and laugh at some mindless entertainment for two hours. I laughed enough to not be angry about the whole experience, but I thought, debated, and questioned far more. Viewers shouldn't have to decide if you're trying to be serious or funny. It should just organically occur. The body of evidence suggests Baywatch was ultimately more bad than it was good.

Roy: I've trashed this movie enough, let's quickly talk about the bright spots. Almost everything Dwayne Johnson did worked. He was funny when it was called for, and he was believable as the over-achiever who saves everyone. Unfortunately, he also gave us maybe the worst moment of the entire movie. As Chopra is making her escape he delivers his "action hero killing the bad guy clever quip." Except it was terrible. and made no sense. In the pivotal moment in the movie he kills her with an industrial firework (you read that correctly) and says, "I'm oceanic ________!" That blank spot is reserved for the MF-Bomb that he dropped to give the poorly written line some depth maybe? I'm not sure because as bad as it reads now, experiencing it live was worse. I'm irritated with this movie, it could have been so much more. Wait. I said I would talk about the bright spots, didn't I? Yikes. Well. Sometimes you kill the bad guy girl with an over-sized roman candle, and sometimes you vomit in the pool. I think we all know which route Baywatch took.