This week we decided to take on the burden of reviewing two movies for you. Sounds like the perfect time to return to our Expectation Haikus! Will Fox disappoint us with their final X-men movie before handing the keys to Disney? Will the trailers for the Secret Life of Pets franchises continue to be the only amusing thing about them? Let's see what Roy and Cody think.
Dark Phoenix
Win or Die
by Roy Johnson
Sansa Stark on fire
I'm supposed to care, and yet
Apathy consumes
Secret Life of Pets 2
Facetious
by Cody Potter
What do your pets do?
Absurd, impossible acts
While you are away
Luc Besson, of Fifth Element and Taken fame, unleashes a passion project of epic proportions. The cast contains some big name (oh hey, Rihanna) and the visuals are expected to be off the charts. But how good will the actual movie be? That's what we're here to find out!
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
07/21/17
Please be Great
by Roy Johnson
An auteur's passion
More work of art, less story?
This makes me nervous
Space Society
by Cody Potter
A couple of kids
Other worlds and aliens
Star Wars version B?
One of us really likes horror movies; the other is an 8 year old girl who hides under a blanket during the scary parts. The haikus for our next movie, The Mummy, might give an indication of which is which. Before seeing the trailer (linked below), I thought this was going to be more of a Brendan Fraser type mummy. Sure, a little suspense, but not anything truly frightening. That does not appear to be the case. If we don't review this movie, it's because my laptop doesn't really fit with me under the blanket.
The Mummy
06/09/17
Monsters Return
by Roy Johnson
Hell on earth unleashed
The Cruise receives all the blame
Something cool begins
Unease
by Cody Potter
Evil witch mummy
More than a little scared here
Gulp, here goes nothing
The world seems to be very impressed by Gal Gadot in her role as Wonder Woman. We have been looking forward to this movie since last summer when the trailer dropped at Comic-Con. How will we handle the critic world all of a sudden trying to jump on the DC train that we have been riding alone for years now? Or maybe our opinions have cooled somewhat between the teaser trailer and the release of the movie. We have expressed our emotions in 17 syllables.
Wonder Woman
06/02/17
Swift Wings
by Roy Johnson
Amazon Princess
Don't even get her started
Or death will visit
Statement
by Cody Potter
Wonder Woman lands
Hero to DC execs
Justice gains some hope
Dwayne Johnson was the highest paid actor in Hollywood in 2016, and I (Cody) think he deserved that title. Read that sentence again. If you told me 10 years ago that not only would The Rock be the highest paid actor, but that I would respect him, I would have bet you a large sum of money to the contrary. But here we are. He's teamed up with my man crush Zac Efron, and they're doing Baywatch. If you're not excited, you must not be me.
Baywatch
05/24/2017
Watcher of Bays
by Roy Johnson
Lifeguard on duty
80s cheese, resurrected
Into something more
Ride the Wave
by Cody Potter
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson
Once a joke, now a legend
Just here for the ride
A week away can do wonders for the soul. You might be wondering how we can act like we needed a vacation from Haiku's when it was only our second week back... Allow me to quote our boy Ferris, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while you could miss it." Last week we needed to do some looking around, that's all. This week we see the Xenomorph once again popping out of the rib cages of the unsuspecting human cattle that is served up on a plate for our enjoyment. Will it be worth it?
Alien: Covenant
05/19/2017
Facehuggers Abound
by Roy Johnson
Xenomorph bursts forth
From the screen into our fears
Everyone will die
Anticipation
by Cody Potter
Ridley Scott returns
He has never let me down
I hope that stays true
A return to The COARD coincides with the return of Marvel's team of space traveling antiheroes. The first feature film in the franchise brought together a star studded cast led by Chris Pratt (swoon). The second film all of those same people continuing to do awesome and funny space things. Will there be any nods toward the 2018 crossover film Infinity War? Can Marvel Hero Team B live up to the hype that has built since they broke down the door the first time around? All intriguing questions. Needless to say, we're excited.
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
05/05/2017
Delectation
by Roy Johnson
Talking space raccoon
The unrelenting Pratt charm
Creates joy for all
Sapling
by Cody Potter
Here is, "I am Groot"
Just a little baby root
Look, he is so cute
2016
When it comes to comic book movies Marvel and DC are not unlike the Hemsworth brothers. Both are talented, both have their great qualities, but one is clearly way ahead of the other. One is quietly and happily married to a Spanish model/actress, while one has tied themselves to random hillbilly trash.... twice. It could be argued that much like the pretty boy Aussies, these movie worlds have no one to blame but themselves for the roles they find themselves in. And yet... Is that really true? Are Roy and Cody Team Thor or Team Gale? We will leave that for you to decide.
Suicide Squad
08/05/2016
Conspiracy
by Roy Johnson
Critics can suck it
No way this movie is bad
Watch your back Marvel
Expansion
by Cody Potter
DC grows again
The underdog to marvel
Only on paper
As an omage to Matt Damon making us all wait 9 years for more Jason Bourne, we made all of you wait an extra two days for our haikus. Oh you think that was harsh? How do you think we feel?! The last time we saw Bourne he jumped into the Hudson River way back in 2007! We just made you wait until Sunday afternoon. And no we haven't cheated thank-you-very-much! We are both seeing this tonight. Wow third degree.
Jason Bourne
07/28/2016
Death Incarnate
by Roy Johnson
Scattered broken limbs
He is Bourne. Whirlwind of death
Oh how I missed thee
Legend
by Cody Potter
Jason freaking Bourne
Better hero than James Kirk?
Who cares? Love them both!
Fresh off a harrowing battle against the infamous Kahn, the Enterprise returns to continue its mission to explore new worlds, to seek out new life and civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before. We at the COARD have been on the Trek Reboot bandwagon since day one. We have reserved seating. They know us there. Roy and Cody would like to acknowledge Anton Yelchin, whose life was taken tragically too soon. RIP Chekov.
Star Trek Beyond
07/22/2016
Love Affair
by Roy Johnson
James Tiberius
You're the man I wish to be
Please teach me your ways
Devotion
by Cody Potter
Star Ship Enterprise
Kirk, Spock, Bones, and the whole crew
I'll watch forever
There has been a disturbing trend to remake classic movies that should not be touched. For instance, the upcoming installment of Ben-hur jumps to mind. Ghostbusters definitely falls into that category as well. How does one improve on perfection? That doesn't mean that Hollywood is just going to not try. Anyone else remember Mark Wahlberg in The Planet of the Apes? Hopefully this remake goes better for everyone involved, including us. Will our beloved heroes be delighted or repulsed by this display of girl power? Gotta read the poetry to find out.
Ghostbusters
07/15/2016
Feminine Phantasm
by Roy Johnson
The ladies suit up
I ain't afraid of no ghosts
Or this remade flick
Caper
by Cody Potter
SNL ladies
Give their take on Ghostbusters
Laughter will follow
The most anticipated animated film of the summer this side of Finding Dory. Pets features a star studded lineup led by Louis C.K. and Eric Stonestreet. What do our pets do all day while we're not around? Illumination, the humans behind despicable me, promises us we'll find out. How do Roy and Cody feel about this premise? As proud dog owners, we're all the way on board.
David Yates, of Harry Potter fame, directs a live action Tarzan movie with a high caliber cast. This has all the trimmings of a summer blockbuster. One of us is fully bought in on what promises to be an action packed movie from start to finish. The other thinks trying to make an epic movie out of a bunch of animals taking on a full army is more than a little ridiculous. Only one man will be right. The gauntlet has been thrown.
From all accounts, the mid 19th century was just a giant suck fest. Even if you somehow survived the Civil War there were roughly 32,367 other things lurking around the corner just waiting for a chance to kill you. This week, the COARD descends into that madness to see how our boy McConaughey survived that struggle... Or didn't. We don't know because we haven't watched the movie yet. Or we could just Wikipedia it because this is based on a true story. But where is the fun in that? For now, you will have to settle for our Civil War poetry.
Dark Phoenix
Win or Die
by Roy Johnson
Sansa Stark on fire
I'm supposed to care, and yet
Apathy consumes
Secret Life of Pets 2
Facetious
by Cody Potter
What do your pets do?
Absurd, impossible acts
While you are away
Luc Besson, of Fifth Element and Taken fame, unleashes a passion project of epic proportions. The cast contains some big name (oh hey, Rihanna) and the visuals are expected to be off the charts. But how good will the actual movie be? That's what we're here to find out!
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
07/21/17
Please be Great
by Roy Johnson
An auteur's passion
More work of art, less story?
This makes me nervous
Space Society
by Cody Potter
A couple of kids
Other worlds and aliens
Star Wars version B?
One of us really likes horror movies; the other is an 8 year old girl who hides under a blanket during the scary parts. The haikus for our next movie, The Mummy, might give an indication of which is which. Before seeing the trailer (linked below), I thought this was going to be more of a Brendan Fraser type mummy. Sure, a little suspense, but not anything truly frightening. That does not appear to be the case. If we don't review this movie, it's because my laptop doesn't really fit with me under the blanket.
The Mummy
06/09/17
Monsters Return
by Roy Johnson
Hell on earth unleashed
The Cruise receives all the blame
Something cool begins
Unease
by Cody Potter
Evil witch mummy
More than a little scared here
Gulp, here goes nothing
The world seems to be very impressed by Gal Gadot in her role as Wonder Woman. We have been looking forward to this movie since last summer when the trailer dropped at Comic-Con. How will we handle the critic world all of a sudden trying to jump on the DC train that we have been riding alone for years now? Or maybe our opinions have cooled somewhat between the teaser trailer and the release of the movie. We have expressed our emotions in 17 syllables.
Wonder Woman
06/02/17
Swift Wings
by Roy Johnson
Amazon Princess
Don't even get her started
Or death will visit
Statement
by Cody Potter
Wonder Woman lands
Hero to DC execs
Justice gains some hope
Dwayne Johnson was the highest paid actor in Hollywood in 2016, and I (Cody) think he deserved that title. Read that sentence again. If you told me 10 years ago that not only would The Rock be the highest paid actor, but that I would respect him, I would have bet you a large sum of money to the contrary. But here we are. He's teamed up with my man crush Zac Efron, and they're doing Baywatch. If you're not excited, you must not be me.
Baywatch
05/24/2017
Watcher of Bays
by Roy Johnson
Lifeguard on duty
80s cheese, resurrected
Into something more
Ride the Wave
by Cody Potter
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson
Once a joke, now a legend
Just here for the ride
A week away can do wonders for the soul. You might be wondering how we can act like we needed a vacation from Haiku's when it was only our second week back... Allow me to quote our boy Ferris, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while you could miss it." Last week we needed to do some looking around, that's all. This week we see the Xenomorph once again popping out of the rib cages of the unsuspecting human cattle that is served up on a plate for our enjoyment. Will it be worth it?
Alien: Covenant
05/19/2017
Facehuggers Abound
by Roy Johnson
Xenomorph bursts forth
From the screen into our fears
Everyone will die
Anticipation
by Cody Potter
Ridley Scott returns
He has never let me down
I hope that stays true
A return to The COARD coincides with the return of Marvel's team of space traveling antiheroes. The first feature film in the franchise brought together a star studded cast led by Chris Pratt (swoon). The second film all of those same people continuing to do awesome and funny space things. Will there be any nods toward the 2018 crossover film Infinity War? Can Marvel Hero Team B live up to the hype that has built since they broke down the door the first time around? All intriguing questions. Needless to say, we're excited.
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
05/05/2017
Delectation
by Roy Johnson
Talking space raccoon
The unrelenting Pratt charm
Creates joy for all
Sapling
by Cody Potter
Here is, "I am Groot"
Just a little baby root
Look, he is so cute
2016
When it comes to comic book movies Marvel and DC are not unlike the Hemsworth brothers. Both are talented, both have their great qualities, but one is clearly way ahead of the other. One is quietly and happily married to a Spanish model/actress, while one has tied themselves to random hillbilly trash.... twice. It could be argued that much like the pretty boy Aussies, these movie worlds have no one to blame but themselves for the roles they find themselves in. And yet... Is that really true? Are Roy and Cody Team Thor or Team Gale? We will leave that for you to decide.
Suicide Squad
08/05/2016
Conspiracy
by Roy Johnson
Critics can suck it
No way this movie is bad
Watch your back Marvel
Expansion
by Cody Potter
DC grows again
The underdog to marvel
Only on paper
As an omage to Matt Damon making us all wait 9 years for more Jason Bourne, we made all of you wait an extra two days for our haikus. Oh you think that was harsh? How do you think we feel?! The last time we saw Bourne he jumped into the Hudson River way back in 2007! We just made you wait until Sunday afternoon. And no we haven't cheated thank-you-very-much! We are both seeing this tonight. Wow third degree.
Jason Bourne
07/28/2016
Death Incarnate
by Roy Johnson
Scattered broken limbs
He is Bourne. Whirlwind of death
Oh how I missed thee
Legend
by Cody Potter
Jason freaking Bourne
Better hero than James Kirk?
Who cares? Love them both!
Fresh off a harrowing battle against the infamous Kahn, the Enterprise returns to continue its mission to explore new worlds, to seek out new life and civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before. We at the COARD have been on the Trek Reboot bandwagon since day one. We have reserved seating. They know us there. Roy and Cody would like to acknowledge Anton Yelchin, whose life was taken tragically too soon. RIP Chekov.
Star Trek Beyond
07/22/2016
Love Affair
by Roy Johnson
James Tiberius
You're the man I wish to be
Please teach me your ways
Devotion
by Cody Potter
Star Ship Enterprise
Kirk, Spock, Bones, and the whole crew
I'll watch forever
There has been a disturbing trend to remake classic movies that should not be touched. For instance, the upcoming installment of Ben-hur jumps to mind. Ghostbusters definitely falls into that category as well. How does one improve on perfection? That doesn't mean that Hollywood is just going to not try. Anyone else remember Mark Wahlberg in The Planet of the Apes? Hopefully this remake goes better for everyone involved, including us. Will our beloved heroes be delighted or repulsed by this display of girl power? Gotta read the poetry to find out.
Ghostbusters
07/15/2016
Feminine Phantasm
by Roy Johnson
The ladies suit up
I ain't afraid of no ghosts
Or this remade flick
Caper
by Cody Potter
SNL ladies
Give their take on Ghostbusters
Laughter will follow
The most anticipated animated film of the summer this side of Finding Dory. Pets features a star studded lineup led by Louis C.K. and Eric Stonestreet. What do our pets do all day while we're not around? Illumination, the humans behind despicable me, promises us we'll find out. How do Roy and Cody feel about this premise? As proud dog owners, we're all the way on board.
The Secret Life of Pets
07/08/2016
Anthropomorphism
by Roy Johnson
Pets think they're people
A sneak peak inside their lives
Pixar's in trouble
A sneak peak inside their lives
Pixar's in trouble
Camaraderie
by Cody Potter
Dogs and cats take over
Personalities alive
So much happiness
Personalities alive
So much happiness
David Yates, of Harry Potter fame, directs a live action Tarzan movie with a high caliber cast. This has all the trimmings of a summer blockbuster. One of us is fully bought in on what promises to be an action packed movie from start to finish. The other thinks trying to make an epic movie out of a bunch of animals taking on a full army is more than a little ridiculous. Only one man will be right. The gauntlet has been thrown.
The Legend of Tarzan
07/01/2016
Eloquence in the Jungle
by Roy Johnson
Tarzan marry Jane
Tarzan fight ape and bad man
Tarzan fantastic
Deus Ex Animal
by Cody Potter
Wild life helps Tarzan
Face an entire army?
Realism says they loseFrom all accounts, the mid 19th century was just a giant suck fest. Even if you somehow survived the Civil War there were roughly 32,367 other things lurking around the corner just waiting for a chance to kill you. This week, the COARD descends into that madness to see how our boy McConaughey survived that struggle... Or didn't. We don't know because we haven't watched the movie yet. Or we could just Wikipedia it because this is based on a true story. But where is the fun in that? For now, you will have to settle for our Civil War poetry.
Free State of Jones
06/24/2016
Freedom Abides
by Roy Johnson
Mutiny abounds
Matty raises an army
Evil men look out
Rebel Abides
by Cody Potter
Civil War movie
Always love history films
Excited for this
Let's address the elephant in the room. It's Saturday. We missed our Friday expectation haiku deadline. What possible reason could we have for this breach in blog etiquette? Fine! Enough with the third degree! We went golfing then caught a Central Intelligence matinee. We have lives too! And in case you're curious Central Intelligence was exactly what we thought it was going to be. A very predictable and amusing hour and forty five minutes. Bam! Free movie review. That's the kind of guys we are here at The COARD. This week we turn our samurai writing skills on Finding Dory. Tanoshimimasu!
Finding Dory
06/17/2016
Finding Originality
by Roy Johnson
Return to the sea
Looks to be same fish, same jokes
Is it over yet?
Fade
by Cody Potter
Pixar's downward slide
Desperate Nemo sequel
Fearful feelings here
The COARD is not all fun and games. We have a mission. And this week that mission is to bring some culture into your dull cinematic lives. It's entirely possible that none of you will understand this film. It's entirely possible that we won't understand this film. But I think we can all agree that Cody and I will pretend to understand this film and then expect you to keep up with us. Which... We doubt you can. But try. You never know, some of you might surprise us. We begin with our haikus.
The Lobster
06/10/2016
Hamster Wheel
By Roy Johnson
Forever alone
The search for love in this world
Futile exercise
Supercilious
By Cody Potter
People are adrift
I pity humanity
Love alludes them all
The COARD boldly attempts to show it's versatility by taking on a romantic drama. Me Before You features such familiar faces as: Daenerys Stormborn, Finnick Odair, Tywin Lannister, and Neville Longbottom (among others). Self-titled Anglophiles, Cody and Roy, were never going to let this British novel turned British film go by without a review. Our eerily similar, and not in the least bit manly, initial thoughts are below:
Me Before You
6/3/2016
Lacrimal Fluid
by Roy Johnson
Heart warmed love story
I better not friggin' cry
I expect to though
I better not friggin' cry
I expect to though
"I don't want a never ending life
I just want to be alive while I'm here"
I just want to be alive while I'm here"
by Cody Potter
Gonna cry so hard
Emotions from a trailer
Somebody hold me
Emotions from a trailer
Somebody hold me
Just like that, we find ourselves back in the ever growing universe of Marvel. The 83rd X-Men installment hits theaters, and we plan to review it. This one is another in the series of X-Men stories from the past. Or is it future? Well technically, present, right? It's the future for the past, but the present for the present. I think. Whatever. Here are our initial thoughts.
X-Men: Apocalypse
5/27/2016
Absence of Light
by Roy Johnson
X-Men in trouble
No Wolverine in this one
Things do not look good
No Wolverine in this one
Things do not look good
Exorbitant
by Cody Potter
Michael Bay is proud
All I see in this trailer
Destruction galore
All I see in this trailer
Destruction galore
Welcome to week three. Have a seat. Pour yourself a cup of tea. Enjoy the fine poetry below that paints a
The Nice Guys
5/20/2016
Anticipation
by Roy Johnson
Private Detectives
1970s LA
This makes me happy
1970s LA
This makes me happy
Man Crush
by Cody Potter
Versatile Gosling
Playing the lovable goof
What could be better?
Playing the lovable goof
What could be better?
Welcome to this week's Expectation Haikus. You should know the drill by know. In case you don't I will briefly explain. Shakespeare was brilliant. He said "Brevity is the soul of wit." Well... not him per se. Polonius said it in Hamlet before he got shanked behind a tapestry. Question. Where else on all of the internets will you get Shakespeare conversation and Japanese style poetry? Here. Only here. We know. We are single handedly saving said internets. In the spirit of poor dead Polonius we give you 17 syllables about what we expect from this week's movie review. Enjoy. Polonius would have.
Money Monster
5/13/2016
Occupy Cinema
by Roy Johnson
George and Julia
The Oceans take on Wall street
Hope this doesn't suck
Latter
by Cody Potter
This can go two ways
Feel good hostage thriller or
An empty satire
Welcome to Expectation Haikus, a new addition to the COARD family. We all see trailers for upcoming big movies, and we all have opinions about those movies before we ever sit down in a theater to watch them. Why pretend our review process is going to be completely unbiased? pretending is one step away from lying, and we aren't liars. This page of the blog will serve as a sneak peek into our initial thoughts before we review a movie. When we say peek, we really mean peek, because all you're going to get is 17 syllables. Infer from them what you will.
Captain America: Civil War
5/6/2016
Angst
by Roy Johnson
by Roy Johnson
Watching the Captain
Go to war with Iron Man
Leaves me dead inside
Death
by Cody Potter
by Cody Potter
Marvel's universe
Expanding now and always
Is there room for Cap?
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