The COARD: The Secret Life of Pets

Against our better judgment we are going to split this up between non-spoilers and spoilers. Sometimes in life, we commit to things. And after completing half of the task we realize that we are only finishing because we have committed to said task, regardless of how stupid it is. That's us and this movie. We are officially writing this review under protest.

Roy: The Secret Life of Pets is exactly like Toy Story. Except it's about pets, and it sucks. Cody?

Cody: Remember when we thought that this movie would be so good it would force us to hate on Dory even more by comparison? Those are happy memories. They were better times, Roy. Better times.

Dane Cook being mildly funny in front of what we used
to consider a large crowd

Roy: Finding Dory. I would happily watch that dumb little fish swim around in a fictitious bay again if it meant I never had to be subjected to Louis C.K. trying to be funny without swearing. I shouldn't fault the actors, though. They did what they could. In fact, if I had to find a bright spot in this movie it would have to be Kevin Hart. I didn't hate his character. Truthfully, I used to loathe him and the movies he made. But then I watched his episode of Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee, and I had instant respect for him. I suppose it's possible I was basking in the Jerry Seinfeld glow and some of it rubbed off on Hart. However, I caught a glimpse of how hungry he still is as a comedian. Then I saw the trailer for Kevin Hart: What Now? and oh my sweet goodness. This dude sold out a football stadium... to his stand-up act. Is everyone understanding what I just said?! Don't believe me? LOOK. How can you not be impressed by that? Remember 10 years ago when we all saw Dane Cook sell out a semi-large "arena" and we were blown away? Hart makes that look like Dane was doing stand-up at a small night club in Bemidji, Minnesooota. Did I just write 220 words about Kevin Hart to avoid talking about this turd of a film? I resent the implication!

Cody: Kevin Hart was definitely the bright spot of this movie. Well, more like dimly lit lamp. But a dimly lit lamp looks like a beacon when all you know is darkness. You're right, we can't blame the actors here. It's an animated movie after all. They can only work with what they are given. What they were given was a movie for toddlers. Yes, I realize it is an animated movie about animals. I know how I sound. Have you seen Zootopia, though? Zootopia is filet mignon. Pets is whatever they pass as steak at Taco Bell these days. We all had reason to expect more from this. Zootopia was charming, clever, and funny. It had an important and simple message that both children and adults could learn from. It was everything you hope for when you watch an animated movie. So there's this adorable rabbit, and this wily fox. They are natural enemies, but they grow to be friends despite their differences. But then there....what's that, you say? I'm not reviewing Zootopia? I'm reviewing Taco Bell? Well, then I've lost all interest in this section.

Roy: In all seriousness though people. If you want to waste 90 minutes that feels like three hours, you can... But I suggest you do something more productive with your time, like watch the Point Break remake.

Here in lie the spoilers. As you may have guessed, they are not going to go well for the poor poor Life of Pets. Enjoy the rant.

Cody: Alright, first and foremost, what in the biscuits was that sausage factory scene? I was already about 80% tuned out due to the glaring lack of plot and annoying animal characters, but that really put me over the top. I quite honestly have not the first clue what that scene was actually supposed to be. My instinct told me the dogs eating the sausages was a similar experience as being on acid. But every other piece of this movie was tailored for toddlers, so that doesn't add up. The only conclusion I can come to is that they just kept throwing stuff at the wall to see what stuck. Including having pets continuously do ridiculous feats, clearly for the entertainment of aforementioned toddlers. So, this is the "secret" life of animals? We're to believe these are animals that exist in the real world. And yet. They accomplished so many asinine tasks right out in the open in front of humans. A maniacal rabbit stops traffic on a major New York bridge, a small dog uses karate to knock unconscious several other assailant animals, and the rabbit dives into the depths of the Hudson to unlock a cage and rescue a dog. The climactic stretch that was a microcosm for this entire movie. Maybe it should have been called the Implausible Life of Pets. At least our expectations would have been re-calibrated. However, nothing could have adequately prepared us for that stink bomb we walked into.

I hate people

Roy: I DEMAND ANSWERS. I want names. Specific names. Who in the name of Ricky Bobby was the individual that decided to put yet one more animal behind the wheel of a freaking vehicle?! I declare an official moratorium on all animals driving. Forever. Death will come on swift wings for any and all guilty parties involved. How did this happen? I'll tell you how. I envision a situation not unlike a scene from Mad Men. Peggy, who now works for Cutler Gleason & Chaough is talking to Stan, who is still at SCDP.  They are trading war stories and commiserating over their problems while on the phone with one another. And if you are sitting there telling me that you are unfamiliar with Mad Men then I cannot help you. You hate great television which speaks to a larger issue about you as a person... But I digress.  So. We have one person at Dreamworks and one at Pixar. The Dreamworks guy has no idea how to save the stupid dogs who are currently drowning at the bottom of the Hudson River. The Pixar guy says, "We had a similar problem. But we just made the octopus drive a truck..." This is how the world dies people. I have to respectfully disagree with both T.S. Elliot and Queen Amidala. The world doesn't die with a whimper or to thunderous applause. It dies when a bunny decides to drive a car to save his dog friends, whom by the way, he spent the last hour trying to murder. If that wasn't enough, I will leave you with more proof of how terrible this movie was. I went to Pets with the target demographic. I took my 9 year old daughter and 7 year old son. After the first 20 minutes I noticed something and began to keep track. Twice. Twice in 90 minutes did my children laugh out loud at this movie. Of course they said they liked it but what are they supposed to say? They're kids. But they didn't laugh. And it didn't matter how much the packed theater roared over the constant and literal poop jokes this movie threw at us. My kids didn't laugh, and I couldn't be more proud of them for that.