The COARD: Suicide Squad

Have no fear, unlike the movie we are about to review... We are the good guys. We are not going to spoil this movie for you without warning you. Feel free to dive into this review wondering if we are going to trash this movie like every other critic alive, or if we actually liked it.

Avengers who? 

Roy: Suicide Squad is DC Comics' latest attempt to be relevant in a cinematic world that seems to be dominated by Marvel. This is their third attempt, and one could easily wonder why they continue to bother. There were a few who liked some of the things that Man of Steel did, but the over the top destruction was laughable. And nothing captured the world's response to Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice better than this fantastic peek into the soul of Ben Affleck. But Suicide Squad was going to be different. Or so we were all led to believe. It had an enormous amount of buzz attached it. And then the critics of the world got a hold of it. Cheese and crackers did they rip it apart. So where does that leave us? I won't presume to speak for my esteemed partner, but allow me to say, they are all so full of crap that I'm buying stock in laxatives. Suicide Squad was good people. In fact, it was better than anything Marvel has done recently not named Deadpool. Yes I know I gushed over Civil War not three months ago. This was better. So where is the disconnect? Why does everyone seem to hate it? The answer is, they don't. Real people liked all of these movies. How do I know? Man of Steel made 291 million dollars, Dawn of Justice made 330 million dollars. Suicide Squad has made 161 million in five days. And those are domestic totals, people. Critics don't like the DC universe. But why? One word. Disney. Disney owns everything. That laptop or phone you are using to read this article? Disney owns it. That Starbucks you're sipping on right now? Disney owns that too. What's my proof?! I don't need proof. Open your eyes! Disney needs to see DC fail in order to enjoy the continued success of Marvel. This is happening people. Disney has an active campaign to attack everything DC does regardless of how good it is. They understand Marvel is an inferior product so they are doing everything they can. But you know what?! They can't censor us! YOU HEAR ME DISNEY?! COME AT ME BRO. WE WILL NOT BE INTIMIDATED BY YOUR GESTAPO TACTICS. We're just a couple of guys with a blog, two laptops, and the truth. And we will shout it from the rooftops! SUICIDE SQUAD IS GOOD. What say you Cody?! Will you join me brother in the coming revolution?

Cody: If you're asking me if my pen is for sale, then I think William Wallace has a choice word for you. I am but a mere human. I have bias. I'm not above admitting that I have bias. However, it is my job as a highly legitimate, borderline professional movie critic to strive to remain objective. A principle I can't say is valued as highly by those that get paid for this. I have no dog in the Marvel vs DC fight. I love Spider-Man. Batman is that dude. I have allegiances on both sides of the aisle. Marvel is ahead in terms of quantity of decent content, but to act like DC is garbage by comparison is erroneous. I would put the quality of DC so far as just below the overall quality of Marvel, but that's basically blasphemous among movie reviewers. You know what, Roy, I'm glad we turned down that Rolling Stone contract. Once you accept their money, they can control your content. That's what Disney wants, man. They fear people like us. The mighty bloggers with our dozens of dedicated fans. The resistance begins here, but it doesn't end until the world knows that Disney is wiping our internet like a real life Gavin Belson. What? Comparing negative critic review to literally controlling what we see online is a bit dramatic, you say? Well then maybe you aren't cut out for this revolution, imaginary reader!! Anyway, Suicide Squad was solid. David Ayer did a good job of making it "not a superhero movie." It succeeded in being something different just like Deadpool and Guardians of The Galaxy did for Marvel. Comparing this movie to Captain America or other main universe Marvel films isn't a fair match. It's meant to be off to the side; a fun peripheral story set in the same universe as the Justice League family of movies. And that's what it is, simple as that.

Roy: Everyone was great in this movie, I have a hard time deciding who did the best job because all of them took their characters and did everything with them they possibly could. Before I get to Jared Leto and Margot Robbie, I am going to address one Will Smith. He needed to do this sooner. Not play a superhero, he's' done that to mediocre effect before. For the first time in his career he played a character with some moral ambiguity. He was supposed to play the title character in Quentin Tarantino's Django Unchained but turned it down. The scuttlebutt was that he wasn't comfortable playing a character who could be perceived as a "bad guy," even though Django was the hero. To be fair to Smith, he would have been the hero in a Tarantino film, with all of the implications and baggage that brings with it. So I was surprised he was going to play a villain in Suicide Squad. It was the best of both worlds for Smith however, because even though he was a villain, he was a sympathetic character who was the heart and soul of this movie. Margot Robbie and Jared Leto got to have all of the fun playing straight up crazy/evil. Smith kept this movie's feet on the ground and kept dolling out the feels along the way. It was delightful. I will let Cody drool over his lady love, and I will focus on Jared Leto's Joker. The Clown Prince of Crime is back and he might be better than ever. Cody and I began an argument yesterday over the merits of Leto vs. Ledger. I think it is hard to weigh this argument correctly because the untimely and tragic death of Ledger adds weight to his performance given the direct result it played in his passing. That being said, I think Leto was better. His Joker was more intentional. I know Ledger had a plan in The Dark Knight from beginning to end and played it out beautifully. But there is something about what Leto was doing here. From the bright green hair, to the purple shoulder holsters, to the tattoos, to the laughs he elicited from me. I loved every second he was on screen, and was clamoring for more.

Cody:  I just knew Smith and Robbie were going to crush it in this movie together! SEE! Will Smith absolutely turned in a classic Will Smith performance. The credit he deserves for leaving his comfort zone is minor, because he was by far the least bad baddie in this movie. I'll allow it, nonetheless, because it is by far the best role he's chosen in recent memory. He and Margot literally and figuratively carried the team. I think they are building a nice on screen chemistry. I mentioned earlier that I am not free of bias, and while I claim to be impartial in the apparent you-must-pick-sides DC/Marvel war, I cannot claim impartiality with this movie's actors. My man-crush on Will Smith may only be outclassed by my much more literal crush on Margot Robbie. Let me tell you, this girl can do anything. She and Smith both have scene stealing personalities, and it is impressive that Robbie can fit into any role while also being such a force on screen. Obviously Harley Quinn fits that mold perfectly, as she could be as over the top as she wanted and it fit her character perfectly. You're right that Leto and Robbie together were stellar. I'm on record as still being in favor of Ledger's performance, but the mere fact that it is worth debating is a big complement to Leto. I can't wait until they use Leto in a more prominent role in a Batman/Justice League movie. One can only hope that we get another dose of Robbie when that comes around. Or at least, that's what I'm hoping for. The other actors in this movie were solid. I certainly have no complaints on anybody's performance, but the three I've discussed here are the only ones that merit special attention. Yes, I realize they happen to be the biggest stars. and that I'm basically a star power slut. You're not wrong, but I stand by every word. But just to circle back to what really matters, #TeamLedgerForever

Roy: I know I'm definitely in the minority here. I broached this same subject with a couple of my sibling in-laws and I could just see the modicum of respect they once had for me escape their shocked faces. This was followed by a few poignant and hurtful memes, but I'll let that slide. Why? Because people love their Ledger Joker, and I can't fault them for that. I think what pushed me over the edge for #TeamLeto is that Ledger's Joker seemed to love only one thing. Chaos. Nothing else mattered. And as brilliant as that was, Leto's Joker definitely loves Harley, and her only slightly less than he loves himself. I think the Joker works better with that arrogant edge to him. Could Cody and I turn this whole review into a 3,000 word debate on the merits of the Joker? Sure, we're cinephiles duh. But we won't. So let me transition to the music in this movie. I don't have any appropriate superlatives to explain how great the music was. Every song they chose to introduce a new character fit perfectly. It wasn't just the famous songs they attached to this movie however, every mood that needed to be struck in this film was perfectly aided by the music played underneath it. It stood out but not in a, "over the top, in your face" kind of way. Suicide Squad passed what I now call the Star Trek Beyond test. I found myself smiling, a lot. That is the sign of a really good movie. It's just fun. And no amount of underhanded schemes that the world's largest corporation with the face of a friendly rodent concocts will sway my opinion.

Cody: At least someone else is willing to stand up to you and your errant opinions. Keep meme'ing, friends of sanity. The music was stellar. Did they straight up copy the premise of the soundtrack for Guardians of the Galaxy? Yes, yes they did, but I. Do. Not. Care. When it is a great idea, and you can provide a slight twist to make it your own, then by all means, run with it. The soundtrack made me smile on more than one occasion, to further confirm the movie passed Roy's test. It really comes down to the simple fact that this is not a superhero movie. The look, feel, and overall tone of the film needed to be different, and everyone involved succeeded in creating that. Guardians of the Galaxy remains supreme in my mind as the best recent (post-Nolan batman series) "hero flick." However, Suicide Squad was good enough for me to at least say, "hey, that came close." Which is a lot better recommendation than you're going to hear from anyone else on the internet, as we've so thoroughly discussed. Go see it, you won't regret it. After you've seen it, come back to this exact spot, because Roy and I are both about to answer the enticing question, "what was your favorite Suicide Squad moment?

Our spoiler section today will consist of one thing and one thing only. The two of us naming our favorite scene from the movie, and why we chose it. Do you agree with us? If not, I'm sorry that you're wrong.

Roy: One? I have to pick just one? I reject your arbitrary rule! How can I choose just one? You know  what? No. YOU DON'T GET TO TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE CODY! Truthfully, I think the strength of this movie is in the overall story, performances, and the dialogue. That action was good but not anything to lose one's mind over. I keep coming back to one scene that was powerful within the story. Much of this movie is told through flashback. We get back stories for each character that help us understand why they are. The Joker is asking Harley how committed she is to him. To prove her love and devotion she willingly falls hundreds of feet into a vat of acid to transform herself to be like the Joker. He watchers her fall and dives in after her. The music of the moment highlights the tension and actions of the characters perfectly. We see the Joker and Harley embrace and kiss. This is one of those moments that helped to solidify my controversial opinion. It was intensely cool to see this type of emotion from an arch villain who usually only shows his drive to destroy Batman.

Cody: There were a lot of great moments and one liners in the movie. Mostly trailer fodder, but I enjoyed most of it nonetheless. One particular moment was when Deadshot (Will Smith) was asked to shoot and kill Harley. Dude has literally never missed in his life, but he "misses" Harley. Those fun acts of defiance and the quips that followed were an entertaining part of the movie. However, they are not my favorite moment. (See Roy, that's how you get away with more than one moment). I'm going to go with the progression of Deadshot, and the ultimate respect between he and Rick Flag (Joel Kinnaman). Each villain was truly bad, but also had legitimate motives behind their actions. Flag had his own selfish motives propelling him as well. Remember back to when we reviewed The Nice Guys and we talked about the joy of watching two initial enemies become friends through common interest? This may not have been a buddy cop movie, but the arc was still the same. That final scene in the movie where Flag respects Deadshot's time with his daughter was the culmination of my favorite story line throughout the movie. Deadshot and Flag, bros for life.

The COARD: Jason Bourne

Jason Bourne. David Webb. CIA. "Assets." Fighting and chase scenes and action! Welcome to the non-spoiler section, where we discuss Bourne in small detail, before we dive into how awesome he continues to be.

Cody: The fourth Jason Bourne movie was exactly the same as the other three Jason Bourne movies. That is to say it was constant wonderful action and suspense. And yet. Three films may have been our sweet spot. Of course Jason was amazing. Of course the action sequences were as unique and thrilling as they've always been. But how unique can something be the fourth time we're seeing it? Paul Greengrass (writer and director) gave an absolutely valiant effort, and I commend him with a ribbon for trying (this is America after all). I wasn't at all disappointed leaving the theater, but I wasn't stoked either. My first thought was this, "I really just want to go back and watch The Bourne Identity again..." Which, isn't a bad reaction for fans to have if you're the people behind the Bourne franchise. However, I probably shouldn't feel like a better version of the movie I just saw already exists. Do you see where I'm coming from here, Roy?

To be fair, who wouldn't fudge their pants a little?
I need to do a quick shorts check just staring at this picture

Roy: I do. This movie was fantastic, Every second was great. In typical Bourne fashion it does not take long for the action to start. We are immersed quickly into this world of intrigue and betrayal at a break-neck pace. This is exactly why we go see Jason Bourne. To get anything less would be massively disappointing. That being said, as this is the fourth Bourne installment, this is the third movie with roughly the same story arc. I say story arc and not plot because each movie has done great at presenting a different plot. But the story arc is exactly the same. Bourne is off the grid hiding from the CIA. Something drags him into the light. The CIA fudges their pants a little when they realize who they are up against... I will avoid saying more because it belongs in the spoiler section, but I think you can all see where I am going from here. Could Greengrass make another successful chapter in this franchise? I have zero doubts. But I'm not sure he should. Cody I don't want to misrepresent this movie to our COARD peeps. You guys should definitely go see this movie. Just don't expect to get anything different than you have gotten three times before.

Cody: The philosophical debate of money/success vs. art has already been decided in Hollywood. And to be honest, most of us are okay with it. As evidenced by the fact that movies like Jason Bourne come out and rush to what is $122 million so far. Because of money, Greengrass will likely head up Jason Bourne: Dead Men Tell No Tales. Wait, Pirates already has that title for their latest movie that doesn't need to exist? Fine. Jason Bourne: Rogue Nation. Seriously?? Goodness. At least they haven't made five Die Hards. OH COME ON! Well jeez. The real debate is which action franchise is going to have their sixth installment first? Mission Impossible seems to be pumping them out lately, so I'm putting my money there. I'm generally okay with franchises that keep ticking along, but Bourne really irked me. The movies and the character are simply more sacred to me. Roy is usually the one claiming to be older and more cultured around here, but allow me to fill his shoes. I liked the Bourne stories from my childhood. I didn't need more than the trilogy. Ultimately, though, it's freaking Jason Bourne. Here's my money. Chalk another one up for money over art. I am part of the problem, and for Jason Bourne, I'm okay with that.

Roy: I too am part of the problem, I was happy to give them my money. Not only that... I have some friends who haven't seen this yet and the odds are good I will pay to see this twice, and I won't consider it a waste. Where does that leave us? It leaves us deep in the clutches of the studio heads of Hollywood, and there is nothing we can do about it.

Cut to a dark room filled with computers and hi-tech screens lining the walls. There are CIA hackers behind all of the computers feverishly searching for Roy and Cody. Someone has something... They enhance the picture. Cue the leader saying, "Oh my God... It's the spoiler section."

Roy: Where do I even start? I guess I should start at the beginning. Of course Jason Bourne becomes an underground international boxing champion while living off the grid. What else is he going to do? He tries hard to not kill anyone, but to quote Liam Neeson, "Jason Bourne has a very particular set of skills." Makes sense this is where he would end up. Poor Nicky finds him and doesn't listen to him when he tells her that trying to expose the new iterations of Treadstone will get her killed. So of course she catches a bullet with her skull.. Good night sweet Nicky, we appreciate everything you've done for our boy. We always knew you had to go this way, it doesn't make it any easier to watch when it happens though.

"If you tell me what to do, I may murder you. Actually...
I'll probably just murder you and take your job anyway"
-Heather Lee

Cody: Enter Heather Lee, played by Alicia Vikander, this movie's version of the internal CIA woman who thinks there are more to Bourne's motive than meet the eye. Nicky created that role, and now Heather coolly eliminates her via field asset to assert herself. That's not the only place Heather was asserting herself. We also have our token old white guy who kills with ease and has extreme tunnel vision on Bourne's case, played this time around by Tommy Lee Jones and named Who Cares. What's important is that Heather is not taking any of his crap! Unlike previous females in the series, her ambition and intelligence allowed her to overrule Jones' decisions. She had her own agenda, and she played it extremely well. Although, as the movie was closing, after her entire road map had been played out, she still was no match for the wits of Jason Bourne. It was nice to have a female who truly got crap done, but at the end of the day, there's no beating Jason Bourne. These are the laws of the universe.

Roy: The thing was I am still unsure of her motives. Does she really care about our boy? When she told her new boss that she was perfectly willing to have Bourne killed if he didn't play ball, was that just so her boss would let her complete her agenda? Or is she yet one more person in a long line of CIA scumbags who think they are smarter than David Webb? The only thing we know for sure is the look on her face was priceless when she was immediately shown that she was in fact, way, way dumber. Here is the thing. No one can ever outsmart Jason Bourne. The reason for this is he trusts no one. It doesn't matter how much that person just spent the last two hours helping him. He trusted two people, Marie and Nicky. And both of them were killed by lesser versions of Jason Bourne. I do want to bring up one small complaint though. I wanted more hand to hand combat. The car chases were superb. The shooting scenes were fantastic. I only got one great fight scene and it ended in one of the most anti-climactic ways it could. Strangulation.

Cody: The movie arced from Heather starting as the friendly female CIA officer, to ultimately her usurping the old white guy directors who hate Bourne. This was all #GirlPower. We've done four movies of old white guys trying to kill Jason. It's time we let a woman be arrogant and get embarrassed by Jason. It's an amazingly ironic side effect of the feminism trend. Sometimes that lead dude role is not one you want, ladies. Now, she could just as easily be anti death programs and pro Jason Bourne next movie, and at which point I will gladly eat crow. Although, let me ask you this audience, if she truly is Team Bourne, how can the fifth movie be an actual Jason Bourne movie? Exactly. Mull that one over. Before we wrap this up, can I just point out how dark Jason got at the end there? I get he was going for vengeance for his dad, but that last fight scene with the asset was brutal. Almost Game of Thrones level hard to watch. Jason has always been
a cold blooded killer. But MAN is he a cold blooded killer. This is not Captain America we're dealing with here, people. Dude is hardcore. And I'll be there in a couple years when a nearly 50 year old Matt Damon is back to kick butt and make money.

The COARD: Star Trek Beyond

We promise not to spoil this amazing movie for you, but not without fair warning that we are about to gush over it like a couple of school girls giggling over the brand new boy in our class. The cute one, with the mysterious past and the sad eyes. 

Kobayashi Maru, Kahn, Altamid...
All just words to James T. Kirk

Roy: Holeee. Crap. You people do not even understand. This movie was great. For the first time all summer I have zero complaints about the movie we are reviewing. It wasn't just the superb acting, or the action sequences, or the story, or even the cinematography. It was all of those things together. Allow me to explain to everyone how beautiful this movie is. In moments it reminded me of Christopher Nolan's gorgeous Interstellar. Director Justin Lin gave us shots of the Enterprise as a small object on the screen which allowed us to understand the enormity of what the intrepid crew was facing, or what the ship looks like traveling at warp speed. Lin was able to pull this off without it feeling like he was stealing from Nolan. It wasn't just space though, everything in this movie was aesthetically pleasing, right down to the cast. Speaking of the cast, I have a confession to make. I heart captain James Tiberius Kirk. Let's be clear, this is not a Chris Pine man-crush. Pine is a fine actor and an attractive man, but James Kirk might be one of the coolest characters ever created. He's a man who doesn't believe in no win scenarios, who will risk everything to save those whom he is responsible for. All the while maintaining a roguish air that Han Solo would be proud of. And Pine has captured the soul of this character and absolutely shines in this role.

Cody: You make an excellent point. Kirk is simply the coolest. He is everything you could ask for in a hero, and the Pine casting was, and remains, fantastic. The crew made up of stellar actors yet again put in another great performance. The writing was superb, as it always is (shout out to Simon Pegg for the writing credit!). You may notice a trend forming among my comments. I think everything about this movie was great. But not just this film, everything has been great every film. We're at the third installment of the Star Trek reboot. This is a point where you normally expect a franchise to take a big step back. That is, if they even made it past movie two without serious slippage. Think about reviews we've done just this summer. Captain America, X-Men, and oh I don't know, Finding Dory? All movies that are part of a franchise. All were lesser versions of their predecessors, some more than others (looking at you, Dory). These are just a few examples from this summer, but stack Star Trek against any franchise since around its inception in 2009. Hunger Games and Hobbit, two mega franchises, both lost steam as they went along. Yet with Star Trek, I walked into the third movie in a franchise with zero fear. I had complete confidence that I would leave the theater satisfied. That experience is unheard of. That's Star Trek.

Roy: I'm going to boldly go where no writer has gone before (admit it, you're impressed by that) and take it a step further. Perfectly good franchises have been forever tarnished because a poorly made third movie takes down the whole thing by pooping the bed. Does anyone remember a movie called The Matrix? Completely fantastic movie that was ruined by a sub-par sequel and a third movie that was as ridiculous as it was stupid. Let's go even further, yeah... I'm saying it. Godfather. Arguably two of the best movies ever made, and with one fail swoop, Sofia Coppola showed up and made us all feel like we were caught in the worst tollbooth in the history of anything ever. So even though you weren't scared walking in, I had a small nagging fear. Not because I didn't believe in J.J. Abrams or the cast, but because history has taught us that too often movies cannot survive the dreaded third installment. Star Trek Beyond didn't just survive, it enhanced the whole franchise. This film showed everyone that they are able to stand entirely alone. If one wanted to find something to criticize Star Trek and Star Trek Into Darkness about, it could be that it stood almost completely on the shoulders of its own history. Featuring Leonard Nemoy heavily in the first movie, and flat out remaking The Wrath of Khan. Which are ridiculous arguments because regardless of the small merits of those points, both of those movies were great on their own. Star Trek Beyond is a completely original story, and it was executed as well as any movie could hope for.

Cody: Beyond did fully stand on its own, and that is impressive not just as a reboot, but also as a third movie in a franchise. J.J. Abrams is clearly a man after our own hearts, but we need to recognize Justin Lin as well. The Fast and the Furious franchise has been so successful that they've been able to produce 42 (read: seven) movies. Justin Lin directed four of those. Clearly the dude knows a thing or two about keeping a franchise fresh as it continues to grow. Now time for your Fun Fact of the Week. Justin Lin directed the first two episodes in season two of True Detective. I clarify first two so that you know he directed episodes before the season completely went down the toilet. Guy has range! Ultimately, we must come full circle to Roy's opening statements. Star Trek is about being in space. The vast final frontier. Where the possibilities are limitless. To capture this and make you feel like you are a part of the journey, it takes incredible cinematography. Stephen F. Windon. A guy we've all probably never heard of. Bravo sir. I know the action/adventure genre doesn't often get Oscar nods, but it isn't too far-fetched that Windon could get a nomination. The movie was that beautiful.

We are totally about to pee our pants over the details of this movie. You should stay and read. It's Star Trek for goodness sake. It's not like we don't know what happens in this movie, everyone almost dies, then Kirk saves them. So stay and read. It was SO good.

Roy: I don't even know where to begin. I love how this movie opened. A wore out Captain Kirk, emotionally and mentally exhausted not sure if he can continue being in deep space for such a long time. I haven't really given much thought to this issue, but I can completely understand it. It would be a grind, so I didn't blame Kirk at all for seeking out an Admiral's position on what can only be described as the coolest star base ever thought up by anyone ever in the history of all time. I was seriously impressed by that. A dome in space that simulates gravity and atmosphere. I wasn't just that though. It was the use of space within the dome. If one looked up to the sky, they were as likely as not to see a different section of road or buildings above them. In a world where gravity can be simulated there is no reason why this wouldn't happen. I find it interesting that we have not seen more of this. The other thing I found charming about this movie is that for a Star Trek film, it was mostly not in space. There were space things at the beginning, and more space things at the end, but in the middle it was all outside of a star ship. But that didn't change the feel of the movie. Every second you knew where you were. With the crew of NCC-1701-A.

I'm good at three things: fighting, comedic relief,
and fixing spaceships. I've already fixed
a spaceship, so what's it gonna be?

Cody: It was absolutely the right direction to take the movie in spending most of the time on the ground. We already saw the Enterprise take on two highly advanced ships in the previous two films. It was glorious, but it was time to switch things up. It gave us characters in a different setting, and that allowed for more robust interactions. The most underrated thing about this movie is the dialogue between characters we haven't seen a lot of together in the previous two iterations. Spock and Bones wandering the wilderness together? Brilliant. Uhura and Sulu leading a prison break? Fantastic. Scottie, Kirk, and Chekov hatching plans with new found bad girl buddy Jaylah? Sign. Me. Up. There was light humor, there was back tapping, and there was general camaraderie. Because the actors have been working together for years, it legitimately felt like the characters had been too. After all, they were supposed to be on a five year mission in space together. Having paired off characters this way kept things fresh. Having fine actors working together on their third project made things great.

Roy: Let's not forget one of Jaylah's most redeeming qualities, an affinity for old-school rap. It's interesting, I was sitting there and the movie was headed towards its climax. I was thinking, "This movie can't possibly get any better." I was wrong. Because then. Sabotage. The crew of the Enterprise had to find a way to disrupt a hive mind of thousands of tiny ships from carving their current ship up like a roast. There was really only one solution. The Beastie Boys: Saving lives since 1980. It was such a great move in this film. Kirk got a sly smile on his face once he heard the opening guitar licks, and suddenly we all knew what we were in for. Rarely do I just sit in a movie and smile. That happened with this film. It was one of those unforgettable moments in an already stellar movie. I could easily write another 500 words on this movie, but I won't. Everyone needs to go see this, especially if you just love movies. I don't mean to be a buzzkill, Cody, but I want to mention one last thing before I throw it back to you. Towards the end of the movie, Kirk raised a toast to departed friends, and the camera lingered on Anton Yelchin's Chekov. Could have been clever editing after the tragedy occurred, could have been fate, or it could have been my imagination. But it was a small nod to the loss that this cast and crew suffered in real life.

Cody: We couldn't possibly be more on the same page. I too sat smiling in the theater while Sabotage played and ruined those annoying bee ships. It was pure, bottled enjoyment. I choose to believe that the camera linger was intentional. It was the perfect gesture in the perfect moment. The symbol of a tight knit crew that lost one of their one. There was another moment in the movie that really hit home for me though. As you mentioned, Kirk was beaten down and considering an admiral position. Giving up the Enterprise. Simultaneously, Spock is considering leaving the Enterprise to become Ambassador Spock. Neither one tells the other. By the end of the movie, they separately decide to run it back together one more time. The connection these two once in a lifetime friends share kept them together when other avenues threatened to pull them apart. All of us have best friends in our lives. There's always that opportunity to let things slide. You can drift. But true friendship pulls us together. Relationships are what drive the human race. Kirk and Spock have one of the best cinematic friendships of all time. And they chose each other and the Enterprise over all other options. There's hope in that for all of us. That's what movies are all about.

The COARD: Ghostbusters

If there's something strange, in your neighborhood.

Who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters.

If you want a cool review, of a movie reboot.

Who ya gonna call? COARDwriters.

My patronus takes the form of
Kate McKinnon in goggles

Cody: Well done, ladies. Well done. This reboot was exciting throughout, and sprinkled in just the right amount of laughs. And I don't know what you're talking about, I wasn't legitimately scared at some points. It's basically a parody film. Only a wimp would be afraid during this. So clearly I was wasn't afraid. Lady Power enthusiast Paul Feig did a fantastic job as writer/director. Two of his favorite actors, Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy were great costarring in this. However, none of

these things matter in comparison to the shining star that is Kate McKinnon. She is the current answer to the question, "which Saturday Night Live cast member is most likely to make everyone in the scene break?" Which, for the record, is the most prestigious fake award I ever bestow on SNL casters. I had a great time watching this movie, and McKinnon's hilarity was the biggest reason among several other worthwhile reasons. Bravo Busters.

Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!

Roy: I think that Cody enjoyed this movie just a tad more than I did. I really liked it, but I didn't love it. My biggest peeve with this movie was I expected more laughs. I'm fully aware this is my own fault. You all should understand something. I'm 36 years old. How is this relevant? I'm an 80's child, unlike my millennial partner. It's safe to say that the original Ghostbusters is not only one of my favorite movies from my youth, but also one of my favorite 80's movies. It doesn't get better than Murray, Akroid, and Ramis. There was so much to like about it, not the least of which was the chemistry, which was off the charts. So this remake had a lot to live up to. About halfway through I realized this movie was not going to live up to my comedic expectations. But I was still really enjoying it. The ladies also had fantastic chemistry and there was more to like about this movie than there was to dislike. Did I like this more than the original? No. But I had a good time, and really that was all I should have asked from this film.

Cody: I did enjoy this movie more than you, and that is because I was capable of accepting it for what it is. This is new Ghostbusters. Feig paid homage to the original, while making this movie stand on its own. He and the producers knew that people over the age of 35 were going to be impossible to please. I commend you for keeping your mind open enough to actually enjoy yourself. Many your age will not have the same attitude. I'm not going to deny the advantage of my age. I was negative seven years old when the original came out. I walked into this reboot without having had my childhood drastically impacted by what came before (for what it's worth, I have seen the original, and I do not consider it to be any funnier than this new version *cue Gen X throwing things at their screens*). The key to a reboot is self-awareness. One must say, the original is the original, and what we're doing here is adding to that brand, not overwriting it. Jurassic World knocked it out of the park with a new premise but a few timely throwbacks. Ghostbusters and, well, Ghostbusters have similar equations, new feel (ladies!), and the latest iteration features the right number of timely throwbacks. If you watched the original dozens of times as a kid, then you're never going to fawn over the new one. However, if you follow Roy's lead and give it a chance, you might find yourself with a lovable third film to add to your collection of ghost hunting comedies. And that all Feig is asking from you.

Roy: Let me just say, that in 11 years, when they remake Speed and you want to burn the world down, I will send you the link to this review. And then laugh. You brought up Jurassic World, but the difference is that was a sequel, not a remake. That being said, you're right. They didn't try to reinvent the Ghostbusters wheel. Feig just added some spokes and gave it another spin for funsies. And it worked. He accomplished this through many nods and every important cameo one can think of minus Rick Moranis because he doesn't like to have fun anymore apparently. Even the late Harold Ramis got a cameo in the form of a bust in the halls of Columbia. But it wasn't just the cameos that made this a thoroughly enjoyable Ghostbusters experience. This entire move felt like Ghostbusters. From the cinematography to the story, every second of this film you know where you were. You were in New York, and in the presence of scientists who found themselves in over their heads when it comes to the dead running amok in their fair metropolis. I could gripe about how most of the laughs in this film were in the trailer, but I won't. Instead I am going to focus on one of the things I thought worked best in this film. The role reversal of the hot bimbo. This is very old hat in movies. Men employ a horribly under-qualified and wildly idiotic woman because she possesses certain "assets" they enjoy looking at. More than that, they refuse to fire her for all of the same reasons. The fact that these ladies hired Stupid Chris Hemsworth and even went into danger to save him because he, "was just starting to learn the phone system" worked beautifully. This is an antiquated trend that was ripe for parody. The best thing about it is they didn't do it to prove a point, although they could have and would have been justified. They did it because it was funny. And let me tell you. It was all of that. 

If you're spooked by spoilers, then you should turn back now, as we're about to enter the spoiler zone.

Cody: Heh, see what I did there, everybody? You can't let your ghost puns just lie around, you have to exorcise them. Oh man, I am on a roll. Silly Roy, you can't remake a Keanu movie. He's Keanu. There is nobody in this world that could be Keanu. What's that you say? They already remade Point Break? Sweet strawberry molasses, Hollywood. What's next? Trying to remake Arnold films with exceedingly non-Arnold actors? Wait....what? You have got to be freaking kidding me! Let me try to collect myself here. Okay. Roy didn't give anything too dramatic away up there, but I still want to talk about Chris Hemsworth. He was fantastic, but the interactions between him and Kristen Wiig. Fan-tastic. She was incredible as a drooling idiot who kept stepping on herself because of how hot Hemsworth was. When she drank out of the coffee he spit back into the mug, I rolled (for the record, this was a great laugh that was not in the trailer, not that I'm tracking them or anything). I liked how they wove in Wiig's character's insecurities around other people's opinions. They kept those moments light and funny, but her ultimate acceptance of who she is added a nice heartwarming touch. On the other end of the heartwarming spectrum, Rowan North. What was up with the villain? That character is probably my only complaint with the movie. I got the sense that Neil Casey played him exactly as Feig wanted him to. It all felt intentional, so I'm not saying they screwed something up along the way. I just didn't get it. The character seemed so dumb to me. My movie senses tell me that the villain was supposed to be as much a loser as the four ghostbusters. I found him to be...too much of a loser? I don't know, okay? He sucked. He sucked and I hated him. Ghostbusters 2 needs Will Ferrell as a villain or something.

I want to go to there.

Roy: Hollywood gets this wrong way more than they get it right, Cody. I just bought the original Point Break last week to celebrate its 25th anniversary, (dear God I'm old). As I was watching it and enjoying literally every second I made the decision to refuse to ever see the remake. I'm not going to taint Keanu and The Swayze at the height of their power with that piece of feces Hollywood plopped on us. ... So it appears I have painted myself into a corner here. And I have no exit strategy! ....WAIT. I have one! That's why I was really nervous going into Ghostbusters, given the history of remakes, we had no business expecting this movie to be good. Bam! Landed that beast! The villain didn't really bother me. I don't think he was meant to be a major player though. Think about it. The original Ghostbusters didn't have a human villain. North was meant to be the catalyst  for releasing ghosts into New York and not much more. And he performed in this task adequately. The real problem was he couldn't compete with the star power already there. Especially when you consider how great everyone in this movie was. He was a means to an end. I don't really have any huge spoilers to discuss. This movie doesn't really warrant that. It all just worked, really well. I do want to give a few more pats on the back though. You fawned over Kate McKinnon, and rightfully so, but all of the ladies in this movie were great. Kristen Wiig is wonderful doing everything you'd expect from Kristen Wiig. And that's not a negative. I never tire of her act. Leslie Jones was captivating in all of her sassy glory, and Melissa McCarthy also handed in a stellar performance. The casting was so well done in this movie. You get the wrong four ladies and the whole thing gets thrown out of balance and falls flat. They found the perfect cast and because of that gave us a very enjoyable two hours. I would encourage everyone to go see this. This isn't going to replace the brilliant original, but it will look really nice in your blu ray collection snuggled up beside of it.

The COARD: The Secret Life of Pets

Against our better judgment we are going to split this up between non-spoilers and spoilers. Sometimes in life, we commit to things. And after completing half of the task we realize that we are only finishing because we have committed to said task, regardless of how stupid it is. That's us and this movie. We are officially writing this review under protest.

Roy: The Secret Life of Pets is exactly like Toy Story. Except it's about pets, and it sucks. Cody?

Cody: Remember when we thought that this movie would be so good it would force us to hate on Dory even more by comparison? Those are happy memories. They were better times, Roy. Better times.

Dane Cook being mildly funny in front of what we used
to consider a large crowd

Roy: Finding Dory. I would happily watch that dumb little fish swim around in a fictitious bay again if it meant I never had to be subjected to Louis C.K. trying to be funny without swearing. I shouldn't fault the actors, though. They did what they could. In fact, if I had to find a bright spot in this movie it would have to be Kevin Hart. I didn't hate his character. Truthfully, I used to loathe him and the movies he made. But then I watched his episode of Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee, and I had instant respect for him. I suppose it's possible I was basking in the Jerry Seinfeld glow and some of it rubbed off on Hart. However, I caught a glimpse of how hungry he still is as a comedian. Then I saw the trailer for Kevin Hart: What Now? and oh my sweet goodness. This dude sold out a football stadium... to his stand-up act. Is everyone understanding what I just said?! Don't believe me? LOOK. How can you not be impressed by that? Remember 10 years ago when we all saw Dane Cook sell out a semi-large "arena" and we were blown away? Hart makes that look like Dane was doing stand-up at a small night club in Bemidji, Minnesooota. Did I just write 220 words about Kevin Hart to avoid talking about this turd of a film? I resent the implication!

Cody: Kevin Hart was definitely the bright spot of this movie. Well, more like dimly lit lamp. But a dimly lit lamp looks like a beacon when all you know is darkness. You're right, we can't blame the actors here. It's an animated movie after all. They can only work with what they are given. What they were given was a movie for toddlers. Yes, I realize it is an animated movie about animals. I know how I sound. Have you seen Zootopia, though? Zootopia is filet mignon. Pets is whatever they pass as steak at Taco Bell these days. We all had reason to expect more from this. Zootopia was charming, clever, and funny. It had an important and simple message that both children and adults could learn from. It was everything you hope for when you watch an animated movie. So there's this adorable rabbit, and this wily fox. They are natural enemies, but they grow to be friends despite their differences. But then there....what's that, you say? I'm not reviewing Zootopia? I'm reviewing Taco Bell? Well, then I've lost all interest in this section.

Roy: In all seriousness though people. If you want to waste 90 minutes that feels like three hours, you can... But I suggest you do something more productive with your time, like watch the Point Break remake.

Here in lie the spoilers. As you may have guessed, they are not going to go well for the poor poor Life of Pets. Enjoy the rant.

Cody: Alright, first and foremost, what in the biscuits was that sausage factory scene? I was already about 80% tuned out due to the glaring lack of plot and annoying animal characters, but that really put me over the top. I quite honestly have not the first clue what that scene was actually supposed to be. My instinct told me the dogs eating the sausages was a similar experience as being on acid. But every other piece of this movie was tailored for toddlers, so that doesn't add up. The only conclusion I can come to is that they just kept throwing stuff at the wall to see what stuck. Including having pets continuously do ridiculous feats, clearly for the entertainment of aforementioned toddlers. So, this is the "secret" life of animals? We're to believe these are animals that exist in the real world. And yet. They accomplished so many asinine tasks right out in the open in front of humans. A maniacal rabbit stops traffic on a major New York bridge, a small dog uses karate to knock unconscious several other assailant animals, and the rabbit dives into the depths of the Hudson to unlock a cage and rescue a dog. The climactic stretch that was a microcosm for this entire movie. Maybe it should have been called the Implausible Life of Pets. At least our expectations would have been re-calibrated. However, nothing could have adequately prepared us for that stink bomb we walked into.

I hate people

Roy: I DEMAND ANSWERS. I want names. Specific names. Who in the name of Ricky Bobby was the individual that decided to put yet one more animal behind the wheel of a freaking vehicle?! I declare an official moratorium on all animals driving. Forever. Death will come on swift wings for any and all guilty parties involved. How did this happen? I'll tell you how. I envision a situation not unlike a scene from Mad Men. Peggy, who now works for Cutler Gleason & Chaough is talking to Stan, who is still at SCDP.  They are trading war stories and commiserating over their problems while on the phone with one another. And if you are sitting there telling me that you are unfamiliar with Mad Men then I cannot help you. You hate great television which speaks to a larger issue about you as a person... But I digress.  So. We have one person at Dreamworks and one at Pixar. The Dreamworks guy has no idea how to save the stupid dogs who are currently drowning at the bottom of the Hudson River. The Pixar guy says, "We had a similar problem. But we just made the octopus drive a truck..." This is how the world dies people. I have to respectfully disagree with both T.S. Elliot and Queen Amidala. The world doesn't die with a whimper or to thunderous applause. It dies when a bunny decides to drive a car to save his dog friends, whom by the way, he spent the last hour trying to murder. If that wasn't enough, I will leave you with more proof of how terrible this movie was. I went to Pets with the target demographic. I took my 9 year old daughter and 7 year old son. After the first 20 minutes I noticed something and began to keep track. Twice. Twice in 90 minutes did my children laugh out loud at this movie. Of course they said they liked it but what are they supposed to say? They're kids. But they didn't laugh. And it didn't matter how much the packed theater roared over the constant and literal poop jokes this movie threw at us. My kids didn't laugh, and I couldn't be more proud of them for that. 

The COARD: The Legend of Tarzan

Back to our regularly scheduled programming of general review, then spoiler included discussion. Although, do you really need me to avoid spoilers here? Couldn't you probably just guess what happens? Okay, fine. I'll do the song and dance here. It is what I promised to do after all.

Cody: I can sense Roy's fear. He knows I have the first word here, and it is eating him alive inside. Trust me, I have a knack for these things. I was raised by animals. Okay, not really, but I had to start with poking fun at the concept of Tarzan. I am a person who genuinely enjoys superhero movies, so I swear that will be the only time I question the underlying premise of the movie. I may be a lot of things, but a hypocrite is only sometimes one of them. Overall, I thought this was a perfectly enjoyable summer flick. Nothing special, but not completely terrible either. I've always liked Skarsgard, and he was well cast as Tarzan. Or sorry, was it John Clayton? Clayton seemed to take the name as an insult, but he sure embraced his Tarzan side. Either way, I give Skarsgard a solid B- for his performance. In fact, you know what, let's make this easy. Everybody except Samuel L gets a B- for their roles. Sam earned himself an B+, even if that was because of the decent comedic relief writing they threw his way. So which of us was right and which was wrong? Well, my expectations were met pretty closely, but I'll concede it was slightly better than I expected. Roy?

Sam is just Sam. Always. Never not Sam. Not on a plane,
not as a slave, not with one eye, not as a Jedi

Roy: It was exactly as I suspected. Which is to say I enjoyed this movie immensely. Everyone did well in this movie, even Cody's beloved Margot Robbie. Which is no surprise as she is a really talented actress and looks to set the world on fire in about a month with Suicide Squad. Christoph Waltz did Christolph Waltz things and that is always a plus. But let's talk Sam for a minute Cody. I agree that he was quite good in this movie. But halfway through when he had a solid back and forth with Tarzan something hit me. And actually, it has been a small theme through this summer's odyssey. Way back in our X-Men review we discussed how J-Law always seems to be J-Law no matter what character she plays as long as she is not in a David O. Russell film. We touched on this subject again citing that Emilia Clarke is the antithesis of this phenomenon. But if there is a king of this rule, that crown belongs to one Samuel L. Jackson. And you know what? That's a good thing. Go ahead, check his IMDB page. I'll wait. I dare you to find a film where he doesn't play himself. But that is exactly why he gets hired for jobs. This man does what he does and we love him for it. I'm not so sure that the following thing doesn't happen all the time in writer rooms... "You know what we need in this movie? Some style. Some attitude. Is Sam available? Excellent." Any movie that he is in I think that if all else fails, Sam will be good.

Cody: While Margot was good, I expect quite a bit more from her as Harley Quinn. Legitimately excited to see her steal that movie. Plus it could be the on screen redemption for Robbie and Will Smith after a meh performance together in Focus. But enough about what may or may not be future COARD material. You're absolutely right about Samuel L. There may be some that do it just as well, but nobody has been themselves so successfully for so long. I'm with you on that feeling too. You know what you're going to get from Sam, and what you're going to get is fun. This wasn't a classic Samuel L. movie by any stretch, but he did stick out among mostly mediocrity. The soundtrack fit the movie fine, and was even noticeably good in spots. The directing by Yates felt pretty similar to Harry Potter, but the subject matter wasn't nearly as fun. The cinematography was choppy and somewhat hectic. Christoph Waltz was the villain, which means the villain was good, but Leon Rom could have been more. In the midst of it all, George Washington Williams, the just and moral partner of Tarzan. There to counterbalance the brutish nature of the hero by just being Samuel L. Jackson. Had he not been here, I may not have been able to keep it together until the spoiler section. Sam keeps me strong. I won't attack the plot util later.

Roy: I thought the soundtrack was excellent. I love the African vibe the movie opened up with and I found the music during the many action sequences fit perfectly. Hozier closing the movie with the superb Better Love was so good that I wanted to sit and watch the credits role just to finish listening to the song. I am obviously way more impressed with this movie than you are. So allow me to throw my cards down on the table. I thought this movie had a lot of heart in it. I cared about the characters. Especially when Tarzan squared off with one of his enemies in the movie. What I expected to be an easy situation to root for Tarzan and against a clearly evil chief turned out to be far more complicated. And that was just one instance where this movie showed heart. There were many things to like about it. I thought Christoph Waltz stayed right where his character needed to be. He was an unfeeling man who was hyper focused on his goals and nothing was going to stand in his way, especially innocent life. He was great as a puppet master who was trying to satisfy the men he was working for while accomplishing his own goals at the same time.

Cody: If you're bored and you want to see a high production value summer flick that won't leave you completely disappointed, then you can do a lot worse than Legend of Tarzan (e.g. Huntsman: Winters War). This has been A Review in 30 Words or Less, with Cody Potter. Thanks for stopping by. If you'd like to see my thoughts on Deus Ex Animal, you can find them in the spoiler section below.

Welcome to the spoiler section. Here is a mini-spoiler about what follows. Cody is going to work really hard to go full Dory on this movie, Roy is going to point out that he is full of crap. All while not caring what we ruin about this movie. You've been warned.

Roy: You know what I really liked about this movie? How it wasn't what I expected for a first Tarzan reboot. Typically one would expect that you see him as a baby and you will get a story how he grows in the jungle, finds Jane, falls in love, blah blah blah. The Legend of Tarzan begins with John Clayton as a noble in London living his life with Jane. All of the fun little bits you get from the typical first Tarzan movie were still given to us but told via flashbacks. Unless you have been living under a rock, you know the story of Tarzan. So they took the best parts and dropped them into a movie with an interesting premise that I did not see coming. I thought it was a really good move. It made the movie interesting. As opposed to what it could have been. A remake of a Disney cartoon minus the dose of Phil Collins.

Cody: Subtracting Phil Collins is not a promising move for any movie, so that would have been a big hill to climb. I'll give it to you here. The premise of John Clayton already being past Tarzan was an intriguing move. I followed the plot as it was developing in front of me. I got sucked in. I was, gasp, enjoying myself. But then it happened. The first moment that pulled me back to reality was when Tarzan and crew needed to board a moving train. They swung on ropes that seemed to stretch for hundreds of yards and landed on a train moving full speed ahead. I had a sense that this movie was going to leave some serious plot holes in its wake. This was the first, but it definitely wasn't the last. It's funny that you mention Dory, because I think the writers tried about as hard for realism here as others did in a movie about an animated fish. These moments kept pulling me away from a movie I was actually enjoying, and that's what ultimately left me lukewarm.

Roy: Since you threw me a bone I shall do the same. There wasn't much that bothered me about this movie. But. I couldn't even with ant stitches. Like, if I was in a giant jungle tree, and "even" was a speeding train below me there was zero chance of me making that train. After Tarzan was bitten in a fight with a gorilla, he had to close the wound. Being Tarzan, and in the jungle, one would assume he could concoct some jungle paste to lather on his wound and then it would be all better, right? Nooooope. He and our boy Sammy sat down and grabbed ants and waited for them to bite Tarzan around his wound. After this happened he would remove the bodies from the head and bam, instant ant stitches. They just tried way too hard, and they didn't need to, because this movie was entirely enjoyable. But unlike my friend, this is where my complaints end.

Lieutenant Colonel Akut and the Gorilla Infantry
save the day

Cody: Deus. Ex. Animal. God from animal. My own spin on the common story trope, deus ex machina. I had a good feeling when I sat down to write that haiku, and I have never been more spot on. Tarzan has been bitten and could die! Ants save the day in an impossible way. Deus ex animal. It got so much worse though. They fully admit in the movie that Tarzan doesn't actually communicate with animals, he just understands them. Fast forward to Tarzan and Chief Mbonga at a Mexican standoff, neither willing to give an inch. I was so on board with this side plot, by the way. Great drama. Will these two men realize they are more alike than they think? Can they find respect and put down their weapons? Sure, but not before the Gorilla Infantry arrive. On cue, at the height of the suspense, several gorillas come from no where to jump into the scrum. Like the Riders of Rohan at
Minas Tirith or Knights of the Vale at Winterfell, they swung the battle in Tarzan's favor. Unlike the aforementioned armies, they, ya know, can't take orders. They're animals. Even if they followed Tarzan all that way on their own volition, how would they know to sit back and wait to see if they were needed when things got really dire? I'll tell you how. Lazy writers. Deus. Ex. Animal.

Roy: First of all, deus ex animal is a bit of a leap. You said yourself in your opening remarks that this is basically a super hero movie. A point that I agree with. If you are going to watch a super hero movie you enter into a binding social contract to suspend some form of reality in order to enjoy what you are seeing. This movie was no exception. If you are going to accept the premise that a baby was raised by gorillas in the heart of the Congo and developed special abilities through this lifestyle; then by extension you have to accept that within the framework of this story, animals will have higher cognitive functions than they actually have in real life. Complaining about the animals helping Tarzan in this movie is like whining that Iron Man cannot be real because the technology he uses does not exist. Furthermore, one of us really liked Disney's real life adaptation of The Jungle Book, and the other did not. How can one person be completely fine with wolves raising a child in the jungle and animals singing to each other, but swinging on a Spider-Man like vine and using gorilla family members in a fight be too much?? Because I would like to point out, at least the animals in Tarzan didn't physically talk to each other... in English.

A black panther, a grizzly bear, and an Indian child just chilling in a
tree as besties, about to break into song

Cody: I had a feeling you were going to throw The Jungle Book in my face. If you didn't enjoy Christopher Walken as a singing giant Orangutan, then there's no hope for you as a human being. It was pure brilliance. Furthermore, that movie is meant for the imaginations of children. This was clearly targeted at an older audience, thus is held to a higher standard. When panthers, wolves, and bears all join forces to raise a child through song, that's an adorable children's story. However, when lions, gorillas, and men join forces to destroy an entire town and army, that's a bit ridiculous. Superheroes are impossible, that's for sure, but they stick to the general set of 'rules' laid out in the creation of that particular super hero. Spider-Man doesn't suddenly start communicating with spiders without any previous indication of that power existing. Tarzan's animal friends shouldn't be able to suddenly start following organized plans when it was previously stated he can't actually communicate with them. Consistency. That's all I'm asking for here. The writers just kept taking the easier and easier way out as the movie went on, culminating in the aforementioned animal organized water buffalo stampede. It went over the top, and I went into eye roll mode.

"You're 'opeless"

Roy: You're taking the whole, "it was explained he can't communicate with the animals" thing way too literally. Could he carry on a conversation about how their day is going? No. But could he make them understand that he wanted to attack a herd of water buffalo? Yeah, I think that is easily within Tarzan's skill set. Now, if he had told the water buffalo to stampede into the town you would have a point. And the gorillas would fight for him because they considered him family. This is your "ant head stitches" moment. You're just trying too hard. However, we have been friends a very long time. And I'm not dumb enough to think that you will ever acquiesce to my superior logic. So in the words of yet another great Sam....

Cody: You're right that I'm not going to budge, but wrong that this is my ant head stitches moment. It's the cumulative effect of several ant head stitch moments that ultimately entrenched me in this position. When you're at the theater, you want to be lost in the movie. It's these plot fixer deus ex animal moments that continued to push me back out. Like I said before, you can do a lot worse than Tarzan. It wasn't bad by any stretch. It just wasn't great either. Middle of the road. Forgettable.

Roy: You know what?! You're forgettable.

The COARD: Free State of Jones

Switching back to spoiler interwoven format again? Is there any consistency in this world? Why does everything always change? These are all valid questions, but you can depend on us. We know what is best for your review reading self. We would never lead you astray. One can't really spoil history because, well, it's history. Trust us when we tell you that even if you go in knowing all the subject matter, this movie is still worth seeing.

Cody: Roy and I both expected this movie to be about an epic rebellion within a rebellion. Battles, action, death. These are tag words I would have associated with Free State of Jones going in. Well apparently the critics of America felt the same way, because they gave it a disappointing 41% on Rotten Tomatoes. If I love anything in this world, I love ranting indignantly when I disagree with the critics' Tomato Meter score. Roy and I were wrong going in, but unlike the stubborn idiots who do for money what we do better for free, we didn't stay wrong. I welcomed this half documentary, half biopic, half war epic with open arms. "Cody, if I'm counting correctly, that's 1.5 movies you've got there." You're right, reader who I'm writing imaginary dialogue for. This movie tried to be three things at once, and, you know what? It actually kind of pulled it off. It wasn't a seamless tapestry of subject matter, but the importance of the story being told kept me engaged the whole way through. I went in expecting just a war epic, and I was pleasantly surprised by also receiving a lesson on an important and tumultuous time in American history.

The Many Shades of McConaughey: Page 7
Newton Knight - The intensity of
the McConaugaze

Roy: I sat down to watch a Civil War version of The Patriot. I was surprised when the war ended and I still had 45 minutes of movie left. I can always tell when I've seen a movie I really enjoyed, because I spend the subsequent 24 hours thinking about how that movie made me feel. Free State of Jones absolutely falls into that category. Cody, I like how you framed it... A rebellion within a rebellion. But reducing it to only that does a great injustice to the film makers. This was so much more. The best way to describe what this movie was truly about is Mississippi's grudge against one man who was 100 years ahead of his time when it came to the civil rights movement. And if you take into account where he lived, and you absolutely should, he was more than 100 years ahead of his time. In one of the scariest places we have in this great union of ours, a man chose to live by his code. Regardless of the fact that his code pitted him against insurmountable odds. Matthew McConaughey was magnificent as Newton Knight. I don't care what this man does. I am always captivated by the characters he portrays.

The Many Shades of McConaughey: page 43
Matthew McConaudreamy

Cody: The Matthew McConaughey era is real, and we are living in it. We live in the era of heroes who are just us in 10 years. Where we are the reason we are successful. It's arrogant, but it's liberating. I'll never not make fun of McConaughey for that moment, but I'd be lying if I said I don't think along similar lines. So yes, McConaughey continues to reign supreme. Once again, the kid from Nowheresville (Uvalde), Texas completely owned a character. Granted, being cast as a Civil War southerner certainly is advantageous for someone with such a natural drawl. Here's a knowledge bomb for everybody out there. We are currently seeing the career of McConaughey follow a seriously Tom Hanks like arc. Hanks was known as a romantic comedy lead before he broke through at age 37 with an Oscar for Philadelphia, where he played a man with AIDS during the height of the AIDS hysteria. McConaughey? Also known as more of a romantic comedy lead before breaking through two years ago at age 44 with an Oscar for Dallas Buyers Club, where he played a man with AIDS during the height of AIDS hysteria. Hanks went on to win back to back Best Actor Oscars, but we can't all be Hanks. McConaughey chose instead to follow up Buyers with the stellar Interstellar, and you won't hear me complain about that. Hanks continued his torrid pace with Apollo 13, Cast Away, and The Green Mile. We could be in the middle of a 5-6 year stretch where everything comes up McConaughey. I don't see him getting an Oscar nod for this performance, but his next nomination is around the corner. Seeing as I can't stop waxing poetic about Matthew McConaughey, I should probably let Roy interrupt so we can eventually get back to Free State of Jones.

Roy: You forgot to point out one of the more impressive accomplishments of McConaughey in the midst of spritzing perfume on your love letter to him. He was one of the first big time Hollywood stars to cross the invisible line between TV and movies. Because of that decision and his considerable talent, he chased that Oscar with the best actor Emmy for his work in True Detective. He is quickly approaching Damon and DiCaprio territory where I will go see any movie that he is in. However it wasn't just him in this movie. Our beloved Keri Russell was excellent in a very small role and Gugu Mbatha-Raw crushed the role of Rachel. If you see this movie and wonder where you've seen Gugu Mbatha-Raw before, she was the adorable Talia in Tom Hanks' heavily underrated Larry Crowne. One more Hanks-McConaughey link! The acting wasn't the only thing to like about this movie however. The pacing was also entirely unexpected but interesting at the same time. Out of nowhere it jumps ahead 80 years and gives the audience just a tiny bit of courtroom drama before jumping back to the main story. I wasn't sure I liked it at first but it quickly grew on me once I saw where this film was taking me. It was just one more thing I liked about this odd but wonderful movie. I'm sure Cody has plenty to say on that subject. ....   .....? Cody? .....

         Sorry about that everyone. Cody is busy working on his scrapbook, "The Many Shades of McConaughey" so it looks like I get two paragraphs. This film deals heavily with the subject of war, which is not surprising considering the Civil War is arguably the most horrific war this country has ever fought. I'm going to try and do this without nerding out too bad so please just bare with me. There is a tag line from Fallout that I kept hearing after I left the movie, "War. War never changes." It perfectly captured the emotional reaction I had to this film. After McConaughey's character Newton Knight witnessed the death of his nephew he decided he was done fighting a war he no longer understood. Returning home, Knight was furious at the injustice of what was happening to his community. The southern soldiers were pillaging the local farms for anything they could to feed the war machine, thus leaving women and children alone to starve. He walked away from the war he was being forced to fight and began fighting a war he believed in. He refused to stand by and watch the underprivileged of his community die while other men profited greatly off of the chaos and death. It doesn't matter if the war is being fought for a just reason. It doesn't matter what century the war is being fought in. There will always be those who will profit from the worst part of humanity by taking advantage of the noble and honorable sacrifice of brave individuals. And that is a travesty. Any number of things can change in life, especially in the span of 150 years, but war... war never changes. Do you agree, Cody? ....You there?

The Many Shades of McConaughey: Cover
Rust Cohle, the most complicated man
this side of Don Draper

Cody: Huh? Oh crap, we're still doing a review. Sorry, I was busy. Oh, I see Roy outed me...well, I didn't forget about True Detective. I just choose to repress that show because of the stink bomb of a second season. Rust Cohle will never be forgotten. He's on the cover of The Many Shades of McConaughey.
       You bring up a good point about pace with this movie. I mentioned earlier that the movie tried to be three things at once. The director, Gary Ross, knew he was making a hodgepodge movie, but he owned it. Like you said, one minute you're watching one story and the next it's something else. It's disconcerting, but he trusted us to figure it out and settle in. No explanation, no hand holding, just the expectation that you can follow along.
       The war piece of this story definitely stuck with me as well. The Civil War is usually painted in one of two ways. Either a war over slavery and human rights, or a war over a way of life/honor/dignity. Neither is really wrong, from what I understand. War is a complicated thing, and it isn't easy or fair to try to come up with a single explanation for what it's all about. However, this was an angle on the war I hadn't seen before. The focus on poor southern white men who were conscripted into the Confederate army. Most of these men didn't own slaves, so they didn't have that as a reason to fight. The idea of honor and dignity was brought up by fellow soldiers, but dismissed by Newton Knight as he planned to desert. They sit around the campfire and discuss a new rule allowing rich slave owners to actually avoid being drafted into a war where they presumably are the ones with the most to lose. It had never occurred to me that there was this whole population of southerners who had no stake in the war whatsoever. They joined because they had to, but didn't want to die for something that didn't matter to them. Who would? That's why Knight was able to collect a sizable army of deserters. If understanding those men a little better was the only tidbit of knowledge I took away from this movie, then it would have been worth it.
       But it was not the only thing learned here. Not even close. Eventually the Civil War ended, but the war for freedom for African-Americans continued to rage in Mississippi, and across the former Confederate states. That's where the second half of the movie spends its time. Sure, I thought about the tragedy of war after this movie, but leaving the theater, my mind was on the incredible journey made by African-Americans since the end of that terrible war. There were so many moments that struck me as powerful examples of the struggle these people went through just to be treated like equal humans. Once such moment was the introduction of laws allowing forced "apprenticeships" on plantations. Essentially a workaround for the newly ratified 13th amendment abolishing slavery. So freed slaves suddenly were in a forced work situation that was, well, slavery. Thankfully, the US government didn't rest on its laurels, and eventually wised up to the various loopholes and workarounds being exploited across the south. But still, how many lives were ruined during that stage of what would become the Civil Rights Movement? Apologies for rampaging through over 500 words there. It's just that scrapbooking is a lonely hobby, and I had a lot of time to think while deciding between Cooper from Interstellar and Ben Barry from How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days as the back cover for The Many Shades of McConaughey.

The Many Shades of McConaughey: Back cover
Jake Tyler Brigance, champion of the
underprivileged and repressed

Roy: Cody, considering the current review with all of the southern drawls and civil rights implications, if you do not make Jake Tyler Brigance from A Time to Kill the back page of The Many Shades of McConaughey then I don't even know who you are anymore. You my friend... have just been McConauserved. Regardless of how obviously terrible you are at scrapbooking, you are on point when it comes to civil rights. I never really spent much time considering the military reconstruction of the south and the reason why it happened. This movie changed that. One of my favorite moments was watching Knight lead a group of armed African-Americans down main street determined to take their right to vote at any cost. When greeted with scowls and loaded shotguns, Knight needed only one sentence. "We mind dying a whole lot less than you." It perfectly captured the desperation of men who were born as only 1/3 of a person exercising their right to be a whole man. Sadly, thousands of them paid for that right with their lives. This movie did not gloss over the atrocities the Klu Klux Klan perpetrated on the citizens of the south. It was as terrifying to watch as it was sad. It reminded me of what a terrible place Mississippi was if you happened to be any color other than white. It may be unfair to paint an entire state with such a broad brush. After all, Newton Knight was a man from Mississippi who needs to be remembered and I am sure he wasn't the only one. It's a shame that the refuse of our nation had such a stranglehold on that region for so long. On rare occasions, I have had to drive through the state of Mississippi. And I would be lying if I told you their ugly history wasn't on my mind, which may or may not have had a direct bearing on whether I did or did not stop in that state at all... Even if I did or did not have to pee.... like really bad.

Cody: This movie had several pieces that were worth carrying with you. I took all of them and pondered them seriously after watching. That will also be my main takeaway as a review. It was a movie that made you think. A ton of moments that just stuck with you. Another moment that stuck with me came right after the voting scene you mentioned. Clearly African-Americans showed up to vote, but the movie reveals that the results were clearly tampered with. This is America we're talking about. The birthplace of democracy, the highest value we hold in this country. Tampering with results of African-Americans wasn't just racist, it was anti-American. Granted, the men in question did sort of just try to quit America. So I guess they pretty much were okay with that idea. However, it still disturbs me beyond regular racism. Or at least, it isn't today's racism. That's above and beyond, going out of your way, and breaking the law racism. Which surely goes on less today, but I guess, then again, I haven't visited Mississippi in a while. I just don't have time to travel right now; I've got a scrapbook to finish.