The COARD V & VI: Osama (2003) & Fargo (1996)

Synopsis:

Movie: Osama

Director: Siddiq Barmak

Notable Characters: Osama, preteen girl forced to masquerade as a boy

Osama’s mother and grandmother

Espandi, preteen boy who wants to help Osama

Taliban, Nameless men who are just evil and awful. And evil.

DISCLAIMER: Spoiler Alert. This small and quick review will contain spoilers. And sadness. This movie was a boring sandwich peppered with sadness and despair. Please bear with us.

Roy: This movie is made and set in Afghanistan before the Taliban lost their ruling power through the war on terror. Women were not allowed to work. Osama lives with her mother and grandmother. All of the men in their family have been killed in the various wars waged in this country. They are faced with the very real possibility that they will all starve to death. To avoid their collective death, they cut Osama’s hair so she can pretend to be a boy, this will allow her to work so they can eat. Her friend Espandi sees through this poor ruse rather quickly but seems willing to help by lying to the entire world. After a day or two of work and food the Taliban comes through the village and takes all the young boys to brainwashing school. Osama now has to pretend to be a boy while surrounded by dozens of actual boys who can obviously tell she is a girl.

Review:

Cody:  There were a lot of scenes in here that were educational.  Some of the religious rituals were particularly interesting.  I would have to say that is probably the best thing to take away from this extremely depressing film.  I learned quite a bit about Muslim beliefs and practices.  One interesting point: the men and women seem to have entirely different religious duties and rituals.  So, I suppose there was some value to this movie, but, in the end, I would suggest simply Wikipedia’ing life in Afghanistan/Islam.

Roy: It was interesting to note that cleansing themselves involves just pouring water over them three times. I would suggest telling them a bar of soap wouldn’t go amiss, but if history is our guide, they’re not really a people who are “open” to outside suggestion… Suffice to say Osama is quickly found out to be a girl, and therefore guilty of a crime punishable by death. She goes to trial, which is just one old dude lounging in the sun who is given a summary of the case, even more brief than the synopsis on this movie, and thinks about the verdict for 3.7 seconds and either forgives or condemns. The poor woman before Osama was guilty of something or other, buried up to the neck, and stoned to death. Osama’s fate was less severe but almost as tragic. She was forgiven but given to a man easily in his 60s as a wife. He took her home where his other wives prepared her for her wedding night. The old man bathes, the movie ends. Anything to add Cody?

Cody: This is one of those movies that makes you truly take stock of your life, and you know what?  I sure am glad we live in this country and not anywhere else. ‘Merica.

Roy: Sooo…. we know it’s been weeks since we posted. Someone was moving across the country. And this movie bummed us out. So that brings us to……..

Synopsis

Movie: Fargo

Director: Joel Coen (and Ethan Coen too even though he isn’t credited)

Notable Characters: Jerry Lundegaard, car salesman who needs a ton of money really quick

Jean Lundegaard, wife to Jerry

Carl Showalter & Gaear Grimsrud, criminals for hire.  Will do just about

any idiot task. Dirt cheap.

Wade Gustafson, Jerry’s conveniently wealthy father-in-law

Marge Gunderson, Pregnant, clever, hard-working, Minnesoootaahh cop

DISCLAIMER: I am awfully sorry about all the spoilers that are to follow.  If you want to watch this wonderful film without anything spoiled, then you just go on ahead and stop reading now.  I understand.  No, it’s ok.  I can’t expect anyone to read if they don’t like spoilers.  I hope you all will visit us in Fargo though, yah?

Cody: “Oh geez”, this is a Coen brothers film.  Which means....something…or nothing, depending on how much you care about that sort of thing.  I suppose everyone can decide their own opinion.  This movie has two major elements driving it.  The crime planned by the misguided Jerry and the setting of rural North Dakota/Minnesota.  The poor fella just couldn’t catch a break.  He plans for his wife to be kidnaped by Carl and Gaear, and the ransom to be paid by Wade.  Unfortunately, Carl was funny looking and Gaear was just plain mean.  After kidnapping Jean, the boys have a run in with the police.  Oh geez, suddenly there are three dead bodies.  A poor couple happened by our criminals at the wrong moment.  Marge is assigned the triple homicide case.  Will she catch the bad guys?  You’re darn tootin’, she will!

Review:

Roy: Ooookaaayyyyy. This clip is a perfect snapshot of what everyone in this movie sounds like. It’s amazing. Oh Geez Coodee, where do I even begin to explain how fun this movie was. William H. Macey took to this role like a golly gee mallard takes to water dontchya know. I spent a lot of my time in this movie feeling sorry for him and alternately not believing how much of a tool bag this guy really was. After realizing the curtain is closing on an embezzlement attempt that is clearly going to fail, he decides to pay criminals to kidnap his wife so he can swindle Wade, his father-in-law, out of some fast cash. You want to hate the guy but he’s just such a loser that you feel bad for the little fella. So does his carefully crafted plan fall apart? Well…. Ooohhh yaaahhhh.

Cody: The beginning of that clip makes for a wonderful segway into Cody’s Movie Score Moment.  Brought to you this week by injuries in the NBA playoffs.  “Injuries in the NBA playoffs: for when you need irrational reasons to be completely depressed.”  Yah, Carter Burwell did a masterful job with this “score.”  It subtly sets the tone for the majority of the movie, and it builds to crescendo during the climactic scene where Marge confronts Gaear.  Oh geez, speaking of segways and subtleties.  My favorite parts of this movie were all the not so subtle borderline superfluous scenes.  The scene between Marge and a “former classmate” absolutely had me in stitches.  It works just fine out of the context of the movie, and it does not spoil any major plot elements at all.  Seriously.  Go watch it.  Roy will be waiting with some hilarious thoughts on our friend Mike when you get back.

Roy: For Peeet’s Saaake Mike, where to even begin? Let’s set aside the fact that we see an Asian man talk like he was born and raised in Minnesoootahhh, which I am positive isn’t that out of the ordinary, but still not what you are expecting. I’m trying to decide if the best part of this is when he refers to Marge’s husband as Norm “Sonofa” Gunderson, or when he loses control and blurts out “I always liked you, I always liked you soo much!” This poor guy was in need of a hug. But there’s no way I’m giving him one. Let’s not forget he continues to hit on her after he realizes she is pregnant and  married to a high school buddy of his.

Cody: Oh geez, oh Pete’s, they really do get into some hijinks in this movie don’t they, oooh yaaah?  The two criminals are immensely entertaining.  The funny looking one has some hilarious dialogue.  Of course, we are usually laughing at him, not with him.  Normally I wouldn’t suggest that, but I won’t tell if you won’t, yah?  During the course of picking up the ransom money, the funny looking one has a bullet graze his cheek. He then pathetically tries to bandage it up with some sort of
medical tape.  The attention to detail and randomness of this is what makes this movie so fun.  There are so many more examples, but I found that one particularly great.

Roy: What is so brilliant about this movie is the two criminals that leave a wake of death and destruction behind them are such a foreign element to the society they are operating in. The Coen brothers went to great lengths to show how polite, trusting, and patient this society is and these two outsiders just rip through and don’t give two hoots to how things go there. Nothing goes according to plan for anyone in this movie with the exception of Margie Gunderson. The fact that she is from a small town, a pregnant woman, and has a thick accent makes you immediately wonder how useless she will be. The pleasant surprise of it all is she is extremely smart, charming, and genuine. She doesn’t understand why these men do what they do, and she doesn’t need to understand. She is happy with her life. Her closing monologue brings this all together for us.

Cody: Margie closes the movie by reminding us of a simple lesson that we always seem to forget.  “There’s more to life than a little money, don’tcha know?” she says, “and here ya are, and it’s a beautiful day.”  Sweet pregnant Minnesotan Marge takes two sentences to tell us that we could all stand to stress a little less over money and to enjoy the few beautiful days we are given.  I think in the end that was the meaningful lesson to learn from this fun flick. Then there’s the most meaningful lesson to be learned here: Woodchippers are not a convenient or efficient way to dispose of bodies.

Roy: Efficient? No. Effective? Absolutely. Had he not been caught “red handed”, yaaahh?  Yep, I went there.  There is no way the body could be identified. Also just a small FYI, this movie is fantastic if you can handle the heavy language and occasional surprising violence. This is not something you want your 5 year old around to listen to unless you are ok with pausing the movie constantly to bribe him to go back upstairs...not that I have any experience with that. But back to the movie. One thing still bothers me, during the botched ransom exchange, Carl lucks into an extra 920 thousand dollars that he has no intention of splitting with his partner. He takes the eighty grand they planned on splitting; he gives his partner 40 of it; and he decides to take the new car they stole. When Gaear asks to be compensated for half the car's value (ten thousand dollars), Carl refuses and gets killed because of it! Greed will get you every time man... Cody, I promise you if we ever kidnap anyone and I'm already cheating you out of 920 Gs, I will chip you off an extra 10 for the new car I'm taking. It's only fair.

Cody: Well if that isn’t true friendship right there, then what is?

The COARD IV: Deewaar (1975)

Synopsis:

Movie: Deewaar (The Wall)

Director: Yash Chopra

Notable Characters: Vijay Verma, Son, brother, fantastic criminal

Ravi Verma, Son, brother, police inspector, dainty-pansy-momma’s-boy

Momma Verma, Mommy

Anand Verma, Father

Leena, Cute girlfriend of Ravi, absolutely useless

Anita, Cute girlfriend of Vijay, sweet and kind

DISCLAIMER: Spoiler alert. This review will be riddled with them, not unlike how this movie was riddled with editing problems.

Roy: This movie begins with Anand, a mine worker with a lovely little family. But Anand is a union leader and is determined to get fair wages and working conditions for himself and the hundreds of mineworkers he has led on strike. A corrupt business man steals him family and threatens to kill them unless Anand continues with business as usual. He sells out his fellow workers and gives in. He is ostracized. His family is punished. Instead of… you know, being a man and taking care of them, he leaves them without an explanation. This leaves Momma, Vijay, and Ravi destitute and bullied by the community for the sins of the father. They move to Mumbai where Vijay and Momma work very poor jobs for a very meager living while Ravi excels in school. Soon the boys are all grown up and this sets the stage for the rest of the movie. Ravi is unemployed but Vijay works hard at the Mumbai docks. Soon Vijay rebels over having to pay a percentage to the Mumbai underground and finds himself rolling in cabbage as a criminal. Ravi eventually lands in the police academy and the brothers are on a collision course. Take it away Cody…

Review

Cody: Ok, not that I completely and totally plan to make this entire review about attacking Ravi, or something, but I need to say my two cents on this guy.  His mother and brother work manual labor their entire lives to put his pansy-flowered-butt through school.  We never see any thanks or even any real appreciation for what they have done.  Before his girlfriend’s dad gift wraps him a job on the police force, he spends all his time complaining about not finding a job.  Meanwhile, Vijay is down at the docks carrying giant bricks of whatever from one pile to another pile day in and day out.  Ravi even gets a job offer from someone, and he turns it down to let some guy who was hours late have it.  This is supposed to make him honorable and instill some sort of loyalty in my eyes??  I think not!  Vijay would have literally killed to have that opportunity.  Anyway, seeing as the title of the movie is “The Wall,” (as in: the wall between Ravi and Vijay) I figured it would be ok to start with a rant about these two brothers.  For the rest of the review, I will absolutely not bring up how much of a sniveling brat Ravi is.….probably.

Roy: While Vijay is standing up for the working man and perfecting his amazing spider monkey kung fu style, Ravi is singing songs that A) we can’t understand because apparently subtitles don’t extend to the songs and B) drain every bit of testosterone out of the room. Seriously. I felt the need to do pushups and not shave for a week after watching Ravi sing to his girlfriend… twice. Did Vijay sing once in this movie? Nope. You know why? He’s too busy outsmarting rival gangs, using them to steal gold he promised to his boss, only to double cross them, take all the gold, and five million rupees from the rival gang while he was at it. Prancing around a park with no job and no prospects aren’t on his to-do list. He is too busy, you know, buying his mom a house.

Cody: A mom who openly admits she likes Vijay more than loser face Ravi!  Shoot, I wasn’t supposed to go down this road again.  Anyway, I have to say that overall, I enjoyed this film.  For being a 1975 Bollywood flick, it does pretty well for itself.  I think this is an excellent example of why we are partaking in this odyssey.  There is absolutely no way we ever would have watched this movie if it weren’t for our book and our journey.  I am glad that we saw this; I just wish the real man could have been the protagonist instead of the sugar plum fairy.  Now back to nitpicking.  Did this whole idea of a “wall” between the brothers (according to the dialogue, the wall is built of Ravi’s morals and stands as an impasse between himself and his criminal brother) feel a bit contrived to you?  First of all, we all know the only thing Ravi cares about is skipping rope and singing teletubby songs.  Second of all, he became a police officer approximately seven seconds before constructing this so called wall.  Do his morals just appear out of thin air?

Roy: It absolutely felt contrived. As Ravi skipped…. literally skipped into his brother’s very sudden, way too expensive house for a family that has lived under a bridge most of their life, to tell them that he got accepted to the police academy he didn’t seem to care at all where it came from, just that it was “really nice!” He graduates, minces to his lady love, and then grows a fierce conscious? It almost felt like they created the title for the movie before writing the script and realized they had to work it in somehow.That being said, Peter Griffin would totally approve. But I agree. I liked this movie overall, I would have liked it much more if it tapped out at a runtime of 105 minutes as opposed to the exhausting 174 it actually was. Plus the editing was terrible. I’m not just talking jump cuts here. The sound effects rarely matched the action they were intended for, and Vijay once kicked the same door open twice in 3 seconds….. so Cody, how was the movie score?

Cody: Thats right ladies and gentleman, it’s time for Cody’s Music Score Moment, brought to you by bottled spray tan.  “Bottled spray tan: why look human, when you can look like a basketball?” I actually really enjoyed parts of this score. It really all depends on how well you like foreign films.  This score has India written all over it, and that is a flavor of music I can definitely enjoy from time to time.  What needs to be mentioned though, is how atrociously awful those Bollywood songs were.  Maybe I am spoiled because my first Bollywood experience was Slumdog Millionaire, which brags a fantastic soundtrack from start to finish.  If you think it is unfair to judge music from 30 years ago based on a soundtrack from five years ago, then maybe you have been huffing too much spray tan, you degenerate.

Roy: Speaking of degenerates, did you see Ravi shoot some poor kid in the back because he stole some bread and was running from Police Inspector Nancy....uh I mean Ravi!? Literally told him to stop running or he’d shoot. Then… he actually shoots. The kid falls, Ravi walks up to him and slaps him in the back of the head and tells him that he only shot him in the leg (really!? looked like a back shot to me). While overall I enjoyed this movie, some of the stuff was absolutely ridiculous. Like Vijay ascending to the top of his criminal organization after only two jobs. Maybe we missed some things because of the culture difference, but America’s movies in the 70s at least made sense for the most part. Changing the H in Hollywood to a B doesn’t make it near as good.

Cody: Yeah, I know what you’re saying.  They clearly didn’t have the budget to make sure this had continuity throughout.  At least when Harmony Starbright shot his brother Vijay at the end, it was a clear kill shot.  Well, by that I mean he obviously shot him in the back, the bullet wound was clearly shown to be in the arm, and then Vijay bled to death within a minute.  See, ignore the middle part of that sentence, and all of it almost makes sense!

Roy: It’s clear we both really like Vijay and hoped that he got to live while the underwhelming Glitter Von-Sparkleton was the one to not make it…. OH MY GOODNESS, we almost ended this review without mentioning the weirdest part of the movie. When the Dad leaves the family he gets on a train and is intermittently shown throughout the next twenty years… on the same train.  He eventually dies, twenty years after leaving his family… in the same type of clothes…. on the same train! Did this guy never get off the train!? Did it take a conductor twenty years to notice him!? Is there a fate worse than being banished to a train for all eternity!? This is seventh-level-of-hell stuff, people. *shudders*

Cody: I think we both know what is going on here.  The trains started this uprising far before we imagined, Roy.  They have been at this since 1975 at the very least!  There is a train in India that once you get on, you never get back off.  It is the train to nowhere.  The train that eats people’s souls!

Roy: Too bad that Anand didn’t take Ravi with him when he got on.

The COARD Special Edition I: Tombstone (1993)

Synopsis

Movie:  Tombstone

Director: George P. Cosmatos (But really Kurt Russell and Kevin Jarre, but mostly just Russell)

Notable Characters: Wyatt Earp, Wyatt Earp...duh

Doc Holliday, Awesome

Morgan & Virgil Earp, Wyatt’s well meaning brothers

Curly Bill Brocius, Cowboy - bad

Johnny Ringo, Cowboy - extra bad

Josephine Marcus, Traveling actress - Wyatt swoons

DISCLAIMER: As always, there will be spoilers. But come on… this is Tombstone. It’s also history by the way. Wyatt Earp, OK Corral, Morgan Earp dies, Virgil Earp basically gets his arm shot off, Wyatt and Doc kill everyone. Like seriously. Crack a history book, people. - Roy

DISCLAIMER 2: This is a “special edition” COARD entry.  Every once in a while, we will shake things up by reviewing a movie that we believe deserves to be on the list of 1,001, but didn’t make the cut.  The first special edition comes to you by way of request from my good friend Michael, the biggest movie snob I know. - Cody

DISCLAIMER 3: Also it was The Masters weekend, and if we were going to spend time not watching golf we sure weren't going to spend it watching a three hour long, Indian movie from the 70s about two brothers and their struggle to overcome their daddy issues. Even if it is  "maybe the most iconic Hindi film of all time." So we aren't directly saying The Masters had something to do with this “special edition” COARD.... but we're not not saying that either. - Roy

P.S. We have fixed the comments so anyone can contribute, and we take requests! If you have a film you want to see reviewed let us know. We will keep it in mind for our next special edition COARD.

  

Cody: This is the story of one Wyatt Earp.  He brings his two brothers to Tombstone, Arizona in search of a quiet honest living, and well…...maybe a little side action from the lovely Josephine.  Unfortunately this here bein’ the West, and with Wyatt’s legend preceding him, the mayor John Locke!! tries to solicit Wyatt in helping to defend the town from the cowboy scum. However, Wyatt has no interest in doing much more than making a quick buck as a card dealer.  Meanwhile Doc (Val Kilmer) is doing Doc things (gambling/drinking/delivering incredible lines/spinning tea cups around impressively) and steals the entire movie from currently-lame Wyatt.  Wyatt’s well meaning brothers decide to pony up, and they become lawmen in the town.  The two brothers go all liberal on the town and enforce a strict, no-guns-in-city-limits rule.  Well of course the cowboys don’t give one rat’s foot of a care for this rule. Tension builds, the Earps’ attempt to arrest some cowboys, they refuse, shoot-shoot-bullet-bullet-gun, and uh-oh. We’ve got ourselves a SHOOTOUT AT THE OK CORRAL!  This is where it gets really cool.  The remainder of the movie is a series of gun fights back-and-forth between the good guys and the bad guys.  Every scene brings new casualties.  Morgan Earp is assassinated and Virgil is shot.  Now you dun it you ign’ant cowboys!  Wyatt, engage rampage mode!

Review

Roy:  Where to even begin? Let's start with the cinematography. Holy crap-snacks, is this movie beautiful! The scene where Wyatt, Virgil, and Morgan Earp, along with Doc Holliday, are walking down the streets of Tombstone all dressed in black, and there is a raging inferno burning a small building down behind them might be the COOLEST movie scene of all time. Yup.... I said it and I'm not sorry.  The symbolism can be taken in multiple ways; the fire raging inside our heroes, how this action they are headed towards figuratively burns the town down, or they did it because it just looks so friggin’ cool. How about the numerous shots of "Wyatt Earp and the last charge of his immortals" silhouetted against a burning sunset?  The landscape is practically a character in this movie.  The directorial collective took their cues from John Ford's brilliant lead in how he shot this film (Ford was the first director to feature scenery in the western). HOW did this movie not make the list!? It's just.... I dont.... how do you even..... it's a traveshamockery is what it is.

Cody:  I wholeheartedly agree with labeling this as a prototypical traveshamockery situation.  Can’t label it any other way. Well, I guess this is as good a time as any for “Cody’s Movie Score Moment,” brought to you by Abercrombie Cologne.  “Abercrombie Cologne, for alerting people you are a douche without having to say a word.”  I must say, I am going to love it every time we review a 90’s film.  I say this on a whim, but I think movie scores peaked in the 90’s.  This western score just hits me in all the right ways.

Roy: Am I writing this review while listening to this soundtrack?? So what if I am!? Are YOU gonna stop me!? *Doc voice* “Well you’re a daisy if you do.” But seriously. There is literally a crap-ton that is wonderful about this movie. Can I just take a moment and say that my ultimate manly-moment-fantasy in life is to pull a “Wyatt Earp?” This is to be confronted by a complete Cocky McButtface who gets in my grill and shows me his pistol resting in his belt. This action is intended to threaten me. Instead I grab his pistol and clock him on the head with it so hard, he hits the ground like a sack of meat in front of me. Because that’s THE dream.

Cody: I am not sure what context you would find yourself in, where you have the opportunity to live out that dream, but I completely approve regardless.  Shouldn’t there be a Disney World/Universal Studios for adults, where you get to be a part of some of these not kid friendly iconic film settings?  Oh, they already have Disney World for adults and they call it Las Vegas.  That makes more sense, but, alas, I digress.  Fun fact: A man named Wyatt Earp from Perkins, Oklahoma was an actor in this movie!  How gunslingingly fantastic is that?

Roy: Almost as fantastic as the fact that he is Wyatt Earp’s 5th cousin!! But let’s circle back to your adult Disney World idea here. You can have Vegas, dude… but what if I told you, you could gunfight at the OK Corrall, be a Tolkein elf, or a jedi knight, or just camouflage yourself in mud and wait for a vietnamese soldier to walk past you before you Rambo the crap out of him!? DUDE. The COARD Presents: Movie Dreams Come to Life (a working title) (™). You see that ™ people!? This is the internet. We have proof! That ™ means this idea cannot be stolen.  We could open this place up in Vegas. What an idea! Big things are happening here, Cody. Big things. So uh… there is no graceful way for me to jump out of this rabbit hole. This movie was painstakingly made as close to the real events as possible. For example: during the gunfight at the OK Corral, Doc’s words to Mclaurey before he killed him are what the real-life Doc Holiday actually said, "You're a daisy if you do!" How can this movie get any cooler?? I will answer that for you. It can’t. None. None cooler.

Cody: Movie Dreams Come to Life Special Exhibit: Alien, experience the feeling of a baby alien ripping its way out of your stomach! *Thinking* Hmm...you’re right, we COULD take it too far.  Regardless, this is just the best idea.  Now we just need private funding.  Who reading this is insanely wealthy?  Eh?  Anyone?  Here is the most important question about Tombstone though, who is more awesome: Doc Holiday or Wyatt Earp?  On the one hand you have a wonderful anti-hero with amazing lines, on the other you have a perfect protagonist.  Shockingly, I am going to choose Doc Holiday, anti-hero extraordinaire.

Roy: It shouldn’t surprise you that I’m going with Wyatt here. The man who horsewhipped a guy in the face during the first five minutes of the movie because he was being cruel to said horse, then promptly moved on to pimp-slap a mean, yet pathetic, card dealer three times only to then ask him if he was “going to do something or just stand there and bleed.” Finally we have him walking into a hail of bullets unscathed to kill Curly Bill prompting the following conversation from his cohorts…

You ever see anything like that?

Hell… I never even heard of anything like that…

It’s Wyatt all the way. We could easily write five thousand words on this movie. But we won’t do that to you. If you haven’t seen this movie and don’t want to fail at life then stop what you are doing and go right now and watch Tombstone. You’ll be happy you did.

Cody: More to the point, this movie deserves five thousand words.  Instead, I will simply echo Roy’s sentiment; run, don’t walk, to Tombstone.

Editor’s Note: I concur on everything.  I love this movie.  Also, I find much more passion and believability in Kurt Russell’s Wyatt Earp than I did in Kevin Costner’s.  Neither of you mentioned Kurt’s superb portrayal. And it’s probably safe to say that this was Val Kilmer at his best….I literally forgot it was Val Kilmer on screen. It’s my job as editor to keep you two legit.

Roy: Our gift. To you.