The COARD Awards

Welcome to the first annual COARD Awards. A summer of fourteen movies reviewed by the brilliant tandem deserves a send off of an epic nature. Here's our layout: each reviewer is allowed to sponsor four/five award categories. The sponsor leads off, and the other reviewer is given a chance to respond with his nominee. Here we go!

Best Actor

Category Sponsored by Cody

Cody: Let's come out of the gates with a big one here. Why go straight for Best Actor? Because I needed an excuse to revisit The Many Shades of McConaughey, that's why. This was not the easiest choice; there were a few worthy candidates this summer. However, it was never going to be anyone other than the star of my favorite fictitious scrapbook. Since we made up these awards, I'm going to create the rule right now that applies to the entire event. Prior performances can weigh into our decisions. We're humans. We've been influenced by the past, and we've built up opinions of actors, directors, and so on. McConaughey has been crushing it, and he did no different in Free State of Jones, so he gets my nod here. Now let's all go see him in Kubo and call it a day here.

Roy: Well I can't just hand this thing to McConaughey; and no Cody, I don't care how good you think he smells. Because let's be completely honest. The dude probably smells like bong water and regret. Having said that, he is definitely in the conversation because Free State of Jones was fantastic, as was Matty in that movie. As I see it, the choice is between McConaughey, Collin Farrell, and Ryan Gosling. If I was trying to be a total hipster critic the award would go to Farrell because he was delightful in that wonderfully odd movie. But I'm going Gosling. It's hard for a man that good looking to make people believe he's kind of a boob. And Gosling did just that. I didn't see Gosling. I saw the character. And Cody can throw a fit if he wants. But he cannot deny how much he enjoyed The Good Guys, nor can he pretend that The Gosling didn't crush that role. All due respect to Russell Crowe, Gosling made that movie. He was constantly there making people feel things. Sometimes laughter, sometimes sadness, but always making you feel something. Further more, if there is one actor out there who can compete with McConaughey in the looks department, it is one Ryan Gosling.

Co-Winners: Matthew McConaughey and Ryan Gosling

Sponsor's Notes: I take no issue with Roy's nomination. Gosling was stellar. Plus he's Gosling. Quality pick, Roy. This momentous occasion is definitely being scrap booked in The Many Shades of McConaughey.

Best Actress
Category Sponsored by Roy

Roy: I have two words for you people. Emilia Clarke. We basically wet ourselves discussing her range. It's easy to forget just how bubbly she was in that movie, which is a drastic change from how we all know and love her as Danerys Targaryen. The best part about it was that she was so believable in this role. She made me enjoy a movie about assisted suicide armed with nothing but her charm, winning smile, and bumblebee tights. Cody, if you were a paraplegic and ending your life, and you had to have one person not named Matthew McConaughey by your side, is there anyone else you would choose? Let it be stated for the record that I really tried to give this award to one of the other ladies we reviewed over the summer. I spent five whole minutes trying to talk myself into Rachel Weisz's performance for The Lobster. And then I came to a conclusion. In this category, Clarke is Usain Bolt. No one can touch her. She took a sad film and made it incredibly lovely. Which cannot be an easy thing to accomplish, Without her in this role, people may have been hoping for the figurative, and, well, literal end so they could leave the theater.

A beacon of hope

Cody: Roy really wants to "not" be a hipster reviewer, but can't help but bring up The Lobster at every opportunity. You're artistic. We get it, man. For the record, McConaughey is more of an along for the ride kind of guy. At the end of everything, don't we all sort of want Matt Damon to be there? No? Just me? Well, anyway, Emilia Clarke is the obvious choice here, but is there a dark horse candidate that could take the crown? A certain, goggle wearing, ghost chasing, firecracker of a woman? Kate. McKinnon. Yes, I realize that Ghostbusters is a comedy, but you know what, as much as I am pretending differently in my head, these aren't the Oscars. So a comedy actress could win this award. I would defend the choice of McKinnon to the grave if I went that direction, and if it weren't for Clarke, I would go as far as calling McKinnon the runaway favorite. Unfortunately for her, we did review Clarke this summer, and she just cannot be denied. Lou Clark was possibly the most lovable character we reviewed, and it was all Emilia Clarke. Well done Danerys Stormborn.

Consensus Winner: Emilia Clarke

Sponsor's Notes: First of all, the cornerstone of The Lobster was its acting performances, and since we were handing out acting awards, I felt compelled to mention them. But that's just me. I clearly have more journalistic integrity than Cody, who would much rather open beer bottles with his toes and laugh at fart jokes. Also name one situation where Matt Damon doesn't make things better. You can't; because he's everything.  

That Idea Is Just The Worst
Category Sponsored by Cody, credit to Lego Movie

Cody: We already know that the worst idea of this summer, and possibly all time, was pets driving cars, so I challenge us to move beyond that. What movie screwed up the worst. Was the movie itself the worst idea? What about the casting decision for a particular character? Whatever goes! This could prove to be one of our more difficult categories, because the movies we reviewed were generally solid. The vacation scene in Me Before You comes to mind. Lou Clark had won us all over with her simple charm, and was suddenly at an all inclusive luxurious resort. Perhaps any of the ridiculous feats of one, Tarzan? As much as I would like to go there, I have to give this award to one of my favorite franchises, X-Men. As much as I love those films, I cannot forgive the egregiousness of the destruction in that movie. There is not a remotely logical path bath to another movie in the franchise. The world was irrevocably changed by the mutants. Making matters worse, all this happened "before" the events of the original trilogy. Meaning the chaos of X-Men Apocalypse rendered those movies impossible. I'm still salty. That idea was just the worst.
Roy: It's hard for me to move beyond animals driving cars. However, I'm going to be the bigger man here, while staying put in the general area. I'm giving this award to anyone and everyone involved in the process of The Secret Life of Pets. Which is not easy, I like a lot of the cast. But that doesn't excuse the ninety minutes that felt like three hours of my life that was stolen from me. You know what? I'm even including anyone who went to this movie and enjoyed it. If that's you, the reader, you get to take this award too. Congratulations. You have horrible taste in movies. Beginning to end this movie was terrible. And there are people out there who laughed hysterically at poop joke after poop joke, what's worse is there are people out there who wrote poop joke after poop joke and put them into this movie. And I'm generally a fan of poop jokes. You know why? Poop is funny. Go ahead, try it. Say "poop" and not smile. Do it now. ... See? Poop is funny. But when that is the foundation for your poorly made movie than you have wasted the time of everyone. And if my paragraph hasn't summed it up, this 28 second clip perfectly captures my feelings on the matter.

Consensus Winner: X-Men Apocalypse and The Secret Life of Pets

Sponsor's Notes: Roy couldn't help but dip back into the Pets well, and I am absolutely okay with it. It will live in infamy, much like Magneto's insane level of destruction would have for mankind.

Coolest Person In The History Of All Things Ever
Category Sponsored by Roy

Roy: There are more than a few characters who are throwing their hats in the ring on this one. Captain America, Tarzan, Magneto, Jason Bourne, either one of The Nice Guys... But really. If your name isn't James Tiberius Kirk you have zero shot at winning this title. Let's look at it this way. We throw all of these people in a pit and have them fight it out. The smart money is on Jason Bourne, because he's freaking Jason Bourne. But would you ever bet against Captain Kirk? Only if you're an idiot. Kirk always finds a way. You hear me?! ALWAYS. He can take a beating better than anyone on this list and just not give up. It's one of his best qualities. One of many. I know the award is coolest person, not toughest. But I don't see much of a difference here.

Cody: Before I get to my selection, I must quickly mention how ridiculous it is that Tarzan is on your short list. Did you see the other names there? Tarzan doesn't belong in that sentence, my friend. This without a doubt comes down to two Captains to me. I love Cap. He may be old school and corny, but he stands for everything I believe in. Plus, America is literally in his name. Can you get any more patriotic? Answer: yes, yes you can. Captain Kirk is everything that America is built on. Freedom, loyalty, perseverance, roguish handsomeness. All outstanding American qualities. James T. Kirk for president.

Consensus Winner: Captain James Tiberius Kirk

You're welcome

Sponsor's Notes: Tarzan was raised by gorillas and can call an army of animals to his aid on a whim. If that's not cool then I'm not sure you know what "cool" is. But you do... because Kirk.

Most Surprising Performance
Category Sponsored by Cody

Cody: Nominations in this category can go to any performance that surprised. Actor, actress, directing, movie, anything. Part of our journey this summer was to record our expectations in succinct poetry format. I had mixed thoughts on several movies, and actors as well. Gosling surprised me with his performance as Holland March. X-Men Apocalypse surprised me with how over the top the franchise became in a blink. However, I went into Money Monster fully expecting it to be disappointing. Instead, I got a wonderfully delightful hour and a half. This category is about the gap between expectations and reality. In that area, Money Monster knocked it out of the park. It went beyond just not being a disappointment. It became one of my favorite movies we reviewed this summer, and next to Nice Guys, might be the most re-watchable one on the list.

Roy: Excellent choice! And you're not wrong. Money Monster was well.... money. But you're not right either. I think the only answer to this question has to be Kate McKinnon. I walked into Ghostbusters not knowing what to expect. It could have been terrible. That whole reboot had an uphill battle ahead of them. Remaking a movie that is beloved and considered a classic in its own right can have disastrous results. But Paul Feig knew what he was doing. And part of that was giving McKinnon a pair of welding goggles, a proton pack, and allowing her to unleash herself on the world. I knew from her bright moments on SNL that she had the potential for greatness. Her performance in Ghostbusters proved that to everyone else. I'm handing out another award to her, even though Cody sponsored this category. She gets the Hired Gun award. Right now, if you need a woman to walk into a room and kill it, she is on your short list, right next to her two co-stars from this film, Melissa McCarthy and Kristin Wiig.

Co-Winnners: Money Monster and Kate McKinnon

Sponsor Notes: Kate McKinnon needed another mention in these awards, so I'm not just okay with your winner, I'm in fact ecstatic to see her get the nod in a category. #HoltzmannForever

Best Film We Did Not Review This Summer
Category sponsored by Roy

Roy: It should not surprise you to learn that between the two of us we see almost everything that comes out. Did we want to review everything we saw this summer? Sure we did. But when it really comes down to it, could we really write two thousand words on Central Intelligence? To answer your question. Yes we could, but we weren't sure we wanted to read our own thoughts on Central Intelligence let alone unleash said thoughts upon the internets in all of their glory. Some stuff we walked out of, happy that we choose not to review that dumpster fire we can never unsee... We're looking at you Independence Day Resurgence... Others we walked out of with a desire to run to our laptops. I narrowed my list down to three. The Shallows, The Conjuring 2, and Hell or High Water. All three were great. Had we reviewed The Shallows I would have handed the Most Surprising Performance award to it. I was not expecting much and was blown away. Just 90 minutes of intense fun. The Conjuring 2 was downright terrifying. It receives the coveted, Made a Grown Man Swear Loudly In Terror award. And my brother will never not live that moment down for the rest of his life. But the unequivocal winner is Hell or High Water. I cannot say enough about this brilliant film. Do not be surprised if this snags one of the best picture nominations come February. Every performance was heart felt and masterful. A 21st century western with authenticity oozing from every frame. Every thing is coming up Chris Pine this summer!

Cody: By "brother," do you mean "you?" And by "Swore In Terror," do you mean "peed yourself?" It's okay, you're in a safe place. You don't have to be afraid anymore. By the way, for what it was, Central Intelligence was totally, unequivocally, decent. It had some solid laughs, and I didn't completely hate it. Was it remotely a candidate for this award? Of course not. There are several movies that I enjoyed, but two rise above the rest as competitive within this category. Swiss Army Man and the aforementioned Hell or High Water. These two movies could not be less alike, but I absolutely loved them both. I highly suggest everyone see Swiss Army Man. It's entirely, completely, blissfully, unique. I also should warn you that it is profoundly weird. Know what you're walking into. But enjoy every second of that bonkers film. However, there is far and away a clear winner here. Hell or High Water isn't just the best film we reviewed this summer, it is the best film I saw all summer. It probably won't win best picture for whatever stupid reason, but it deserves the nomination. I really hope it wins for something. Maybe screenplay or cinematography, depending on what else is up? Regardless, go see this absolutely fantastic film.

Consensus Winner: Hell or High Water

Sponsor's Notes: Cody brings up a great point. Swiss Army Man deserves a mention. But is hands down the weirdest movie I've ever seen. If Hell or High Water doesn't get nominated for multiple categories, I will write an strongly worded open letter to Hollywood and sign Cody's name at the bottom. And just because my brother swore loudly in terror, doesn't also not mean I didn't completely not pee myself and pass it off as spilled cherry coke.

Best Director
Category sponsored by Cody

Cody: We didn't review any films likely to get a best director nod in the 2017 Oscars, but that doesn't mean we didn't have some talented folks at the helm of the films we reviewed. There's no doubt that Roy will be mentioning Yorgos Lanthimos here for The Lobster, and he isn't wrong to do so. Lanthimos was great as both writer and director. We gave an in review shout out to Jodie Foster, who kept Money Monster ticking along at a wonderfully entertaining pace. But you know what? I need to give an award to Ghostbusters, because it just plain deserves to get one from me! Paul Feig put together the best franchise reboot I have seen, and he did so without shining even the slightest negative shadow on the classic films. It may not be the most traditional choice, but he's my choice.

Roy: You're just daring me to go Lanthimos all over everyone! But I'm not taking your hipster bait. Deal with it. I'm also not going to argue your point. Feig took an impossible, no-win situation and got the win. Good for him. However, I am going a different way because I don't think he is the clear cut winner. I'm currently at war with myself. Justin Lin deserves this award for Star Trek Beyond. Shane Black also deserves this award for The Nice Guys. I'm not sure how I'm possibly expected to choose between the two. Lin framed every scene perfectly. Star Trek doesn't lag, doesn't waste your time, and punches you in the face with awesome at every turn. Black takes a buddy cop movie and allows a slow burn to take place. The action doesn't keep the same pace as Star Trek, but that is what's great about it. The Nice Guys moved along right as it should have. It was fun, it was methodical, it had collateral damage all over the place. I can't believe I'm doing this but I'm going with Shane Black! He wrote AND directed The Nice Guys and reminded us why he is the buddy movie king. It is at this point that I would like to point out the hypocrisy of Cody that I live with constantly. "Paul Feig put together the best franchise reboot I have seen." With one click everyone can see that Cody has already bestowed that honor to Star Trek. If not explicitly in those words, then in spirit. If Cody was a dog he would hump the leg of Star Trek every time it came over for dinner.

Co-Winners: Paul Feig and Shane Black

Sponsor's Notes: You being the one to point out my superlatives is like Ryan Lochte calling someone out for fibbing. Pot, kettle, black. Sure, I may have waxed a little to land my argument for choosing Feig, but do any of us actually consider Star Trek in the same world as other franchise reboots? Star Trek as a franchise, like Star Wars, never really ended. That's the best defense I've got, but seriously, how great was the director field this summer? Stacked!

Best Picture
Category sponsored by Roy

Roy: I really considered breaking every rule about this awards post and handing the hardware to Hell or High Water. Because that absolutely was the best film of the summer. Alas, I don't make the rules... Well maybe I do, but I'm not sure it's worth listening to someone whine about me going rogue. Then having to argue my position for a day and a half, especially when we already established our viewpoint on that movie. So instead I'm going to the second best movie I saw all summer. Star Trek Beyond. There is so much to like about this movie. The cinematography was superb. The directing was sublime. Captain Kirk was sexy. NO. I'm not sorry! You can have McConaughey, Cody. I'll take my boy James Tiberius Kirk. We both know you picked the wrong camp. In all seriousness people. If you haven't seen this movie yet you are missing out. Do yourself a favor and boldly go where a crap-ton of people have already gone this summer.

Cody: So which is it, Gosling over McConaughey or Kirk over McConaughey? Make up your man crush mind. You can't just have infinite options! I'm not sure if you're insinuating that I would have a problem with you suggesting Hell or High Water, because if so, that's blasphemous. All you readers need to see that movie. But you're right, Roy. There are obvious fake rules that apply to our contrived awards ceremony, and we're not about to break the rules that we didn't explicitly set. It's just the honorable thing to do. I can't. I won't. Is everyone convinced yet? I'm not convinced. Whew. What if I went with Suicide Squad? Just to see if our blog got blocked by certain IP addresses? I can only assume Disney wouldn't let this get out. I'm kidding, Disney! There's only one choice among the movies we reviewed. I must agree with my esteemed colleague. Star Trek Beyond slams through the door like Captain Kirk riding an old beat up motorcycle. Top to bottom, pound for pound, the undisputed champion of the summer. And that includes McConaughey (I'm so sorry, Matthew). Now we start the long dark wait to the next one in the franchise, and the safe bet is the wait will be worth every second.

Your 2016 COARD Awards Best Picture Winner

Consensus Winner: Star Trek Beyond

Sponsor's Notes: What I am most proud of is the fact that in true awards show fashion, we have gone way too long and delivered a bloated product to the masses. Not unlike any Avengers movie ever made. Wait. scratch that. What I'm most proud of bagging on the Avengers one last time before the summer season ends.


Post Script

Captain's Log, Stardate 2016.257.
We've completed our primary mission, and, if I may be candid, done so with absolute flying colors. The path of a blog writer is a winding one, but we navigated through the summer with precision and ease. The crew is weary. This reprieve will be necessary, though I sense their minds already at work, searching for what is next for The COARD. Always seeking to entertain, I can't imagine the crew staying put for too long. The movie galaxy is vast and, while finite, can often appear endless. There are many areas of the map left uncharted. Some have been visited by members of our crew, but not all. While others still remain untouched by anyone on The COARD. No, I think this crew will soon be setting off. Off to view and review movies to fill in the gaps of the iconic movieverse. Until next time.

The COARD: Suicide Squad

Have no fear, unlike the movie we are about to review... We are the good guys. We are not going to spoil this movie for you without warning you. Feel free to dive into this review wondering if we are going to trash this movie like every other critic alive, or if we actually liked it.

Avengers who? 

Roy: Suicide Squad is DC Comics' latest attempt to be relevant in a cinematic world that seems to be dominated by Marvel. This is their third attempt, and one could easily wonder why they continue to bother. There were a few who liked some of the things that Man of Steel did, but the over the top destruction was laughable. And nothing captured the world's response to Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice better than this fantastic peek into the soul of Ben Affleck. But Suicide Squad was going to be different. Or so we were all led to believe. It had an enormous amount of buzz attached it. And then the critics of the world got a hold of it. Cheese and crackers did they rip it apart. So where does that leave us? I won't presume to speak for my esteemed partner, but allow me to say, they are all so full of crap that I'm buying stock in laxatives. Suicide Squad was good people. In fact, it was better than anything Marvel has done recently not named Deadpool. Yes I know I gushed over Civil War not three months ago. This was better. So where is the disconnect? Why does everyone seem to hate it? The answer is, they don't. Real people liked all of these movies. How do I know? Man of Steel made 291 million dollars, Dawn of Justice made 330 million dollars. Suicide Squad has made 161 million in five days. And those are domestic totals, people. Critics don't like the DC universe. But why? One word. Disney. Disney owns everything. That laptop or phone you are using to read this article? Disney owns it. That Starbucks you're sipping on right now? Disney owns that too. What's my proof?! I don't need proof. Open your eyes! Disney needs to see DC fail in order to enjoy the continued success of Marvel. This is happening people. Disney has an active campaign to attack everything DC does regardless of how good it is. They understand Marvel is an inferior product so they are doing everything they can. But you know what?! They can't censor us! YOU HEAR ME DISNEY?! COME AT ME BRO. WE WILL NOT BE INTIMIDATED BY YOUR GESTAPO TACTICS. We're just a couple of guys with a blog, two laptops, and the truth. And we will shout it from the rooftops! SUICIDE SQUAD IS GOOD. What say you Cody?! Will you join me brother in the coming revolution?

Cody: If you're asking me if my pen is for sale, then I think William Wallace has a choice word for you. I am but a mere human. I have bias. I'm not above admitting that I have bias. However, it is my job as a highly legitimate, borderline professional movie critic to strive to remain objective. A principle I can't say is valued as highly by those that get paid for this. I have no dog in the Marvel vs DC fight. I love Spider-Man. Batman is that dude. I have allegiances on both sides of the aisle. Marvel is ahead in terms of quantity of decent content, but to act like DC is garbage by comparison is erroneous. I would put the quality of DC so far as just below the overall quality of Marvel, but that's basically blasphemous among movie reviewers. You know what, Roy, I'm glad we turned down that Rolling Stone contract. Once you accept their money, they can control your content. That's what Disney wants, man. They fear people like us. The mighty bloggers with our dozens of dedicated fans. The resistance begins here, but it doesn't end until the world knows that Disney is wiping our internet like a real life Gavin Belson. What? Comparing negative critic review to literally controlling what we see online is a bit dramatic, you say? Well then maybe you aren't cut out for this revolution, imaginary reader!! Anyway, Suicide Squad was solid. David Ayer did a good job of making it "not a superhero movie." It succeeded in being something different just like Deadpool and Guardians of The Galaxy did for Marvel. Comparing this movie to Captain America or other main universe Marvel films isn't a fair match. It's meant to be off to the side; a fun peripheral story set in the same universe as the Justice League family of movies. And that's what it is, simple as that.

Roy: Everyone was great in this movie, I have a hard time deciding who did the best job because all of them took their characters and did everything with them they possibly could. Before I get to Jared Leto and Margot Robbie, I am going to address one Will Smith. He needed to do this sooner. Not play a superhero, he's' done that to mediocre effect before. For the first time in his career he played a character with some moral ambiguity. He was supposed to play the title character in Quentin Tarantino's Django Unchained but turned it down. The scuttlebutt was that he wasn't comfortable playing a character who could be perceived as a "bad guy," even though Django was the hero. To be fair to Smith, he would have been the hero in a Tarantino film, with all of the implications and baggage that brings with it. So I was surprised he was going to play a villain in Suicide Squad. It was the best of both worlds for Smith however, because even though he was a villain, he was a sympathetic character who was the heart and soul of this movie. Margot Robbie and Jared Leto got to have all of the fun playing straight up crazy/evil. Smith kept this movie's feet on the ground and kept dolling out the feels along the way. It was delightful. I will let Cody drool over his lady love, and I will focus on Jared Leto's Joker. The Clown Prince of Crime is back and he might be better than ever. Cody and I began an argument yesterday over the merits of Leto vs. Ledger. I think it is hard to weigh this argument correctly because the untimely and tragic death of Ledger adds weight to his performance given the direct result it played in his passing. That being said, I think Leto was better. His Joker was more intentional. I know Ledger had a plan in The Dark Knight from beginning to end and played it out beautifully. But there is something about what Leto was doing here. From the bright green hair, to the purple shoulder holsters, to the tattoos, to the laughs he elicited from me. I loved every second he was on screen, and was clamoring for more.

Cody:  I just knew Smith and Robbie were going to crush it in this movie together! SEE! Will Smith absolutely turned in a classic Will Smith performance. The credit he deserves for leaving his comfort zone is minor, because he was by far the least bad baddie in this movie. I'll allow it, nonetheless, because it is by far the best role he's chosen in recent memory. He and Margot literally and figuratively carried the team. I think they are building a nice on screen chemistry. I mentioned earlier that I am not free of bias, and while I claim to be impartial in the apparent you-must-pick-sides DC/Marvel war, I cannot claim impartiality with this movie's actors. My man-crush on Will Smith may only be outclassed by my much more literal crush on Margot Robbie. Let me tell you, this girl can do anything. She and Smith both have scene stealing personalities, and it is impressive that Robbie can fit into any role while also being such a force on screen. Obviously Harley Quinn fits that mold perfectly, as she could be as over the top as she wanted and it fit her character perfectly. You're right that Leto and Robbie together were stellar. I'm on record as still being in favor of Ledger's performance, but the mere fact that it is worth debating is a big complement to Leto. I can't wait until they use Leto in a more prominent role in a Batman/Justice League movie. One can only hope that we get another dose of Robbie when that comes around. Or at least, that's what I'm hoping for. The other actors in this movie were solid. I certainly have no complaints on anybody's performance, but the three I've discussed here are the only ones that merit special attention. Yes, I realize they happen to be the biggest stars. and that I'm basically a star power slut. You're not wrong, but I stand by every word. But just to circle back to what really matters, #TeamLedgerForever

Roy: I know I'm definitely in the minority here. I broached this same subject with a couple of my sibling in-laws and I could just see the modicum of respect they once had for me escape their shocked faces. This was followed by a few poignant and hurtful memes, but I'll let that slide. Why? Because people love their Ledger Joker, and I can't fault them for that. I think what pushed me over the edge for #TeamLeto is that Ledger's Joker seemed to love only one thing. Chaos. Nothing else mattered. And as brilliant as that was, Leto's Joker definitely loves Harley, and her only slightly less than he loves himself. I think the Joker works better with that arrogant edge to him. Could Cody and I turn this whole review into a 3,000 word debate on the merits of the Joker? Sure, we're cinephiles duh. But we won't. So let me transition to the music in this movie. I don't have any appropriate superlatives to explain how great the music was. Every song they chose to introduce a new character fit perfectly. It wasn't just the famous songs they attached to this movie however, every mood that needed to be struck in this film was perfectly aided by the music played underneath it. It stood out but not in a, "over the top, in your face" kind of way. Suicide Squad passed what I now call the Star Trek Beyond test. I found myself smiling, a lot. That is the sign of a really good movie. It's just fun. And no amount of underhanded schemes that the world's largest corporation with the face of a friendly rodent concocts will sway my opinion.

Cody: At least someone else is willing to stand up to you and your errant opinions. Keep meme'ing, friends of sanity. The music was stellar. Did they straight up copy the premise of the soundtrack for Guardians of the Galaxy? Yes, yes they did, but I. Do. Not. Care. When it is a great idea, and you can provide a slight twist to make it your own, then by all means, run with it. The soundtrack made me smile on more than one occasion, to further confirm the movie passed Roy's test. It really comes down to the simple fact that this is not a superhero movie. The look, feel, and overall tone of the film needed to be different, and everyone involved succeeded in creating that. Guardians of the Galaxy remains supreme in my mind as the best recent (post-Nolan batman series) "hero flick." However, Suicide Squad was good enough for me to at least say, "hey, that came close." Which is a lot better recommendation than you're going to hear from anyone else on the internet, as we've so thoroughly discussed. Go see it, you won't regret it. After you've seen it, come back to this exact spot, because Roy and I are both about to answer the enticing question, "what was your favorite Suicide Squad moment?

Our spoiler section today will consist of one thing and one thing only. The two of us naming our favorite scene from the movie, and why we chose it. Do you agree with us? If not, I'm sorry that you're wrong.

Roy: One? I have to pick just one? I reject your arbitrary rule! How can I choose just one? You know  what? No. YOU DON'T GET TO TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE CODY! Truthfully, I think the strength of this movie is in the overall story, performances, and the dialogue. That action was good but not anything to lose one's mind over. I keep coming back to one scene that was powerful within the story. Much of this movie is told through flashback. We get back stories for each character that help us understand why they are. The Joker is asking Harley how committed she is to him. To prove her love and devotion she willingly falls hundreds of feet into a vat of acid to transform herself to be like the Joker. He watchers her fall and dives in after her. The music of the moment highlights the tension and actions of the characters perfectly. We see the Joker and Harley embrace and kiss. This is one of those moments that helped to solidify my controversial opinion. It was intensely cool to see this type of emotion from an arch villain who usually only shows his drive to destroy Batman.

Cody: There were a lot of great moments and one liners in the movie. Mostly trailer fodder, but I enjoyed most of it nonetheless. One particular moment was when Deadshot (Will Smith) was asked to shoot and kill Harley. Dude has literally never missed in his life, but he "misses" Harley. Those fun acts of defiance and the quips that followed were an entertaining part of the movie. However, they are not my favorite moment. (See Roy, that's how you get away with more than one moment). I'm going to go with the progression of Deadshot, and the ultimate respect between he and Rick Flag (Joel Kinnaman). Each villain was truly bad, but also had legitimate motives behind their actions. Flag had his own selfish motives propelling him as well. Remember back to when we reviewed The Nice Guys and we talked about the joy of watching two initial enemies become friends through common interest? This may not have been a buddy cop movie, but the arc was still the same. That final scene in the movie where Flag respects Deadshot's time with his daughter was the culmination of my favorite story line throughout the movie. Deadshot and Flag, bros for life.

The COARD: Jason Bourne

Jason Bourne. David Webb. CIA. "Assets." Fighting and chase scenes and action! Welcome to the non-spoiler section, where we discuss Bourne in small detail, before we dive into how awesome he continues to be.

Cody: The fourth Jason Bourne movie was exactly the same as the other three Jason Bourne movies. That is to say it was constant wonderful action and suspense. And yet. Three films may have been our sweet spot. Of course Jason was amazing. Of course the action sequences were as unique and thrilling as they've always been. But how unique can something be the fourth time we're seeing it? Paul Greengrass (writer and director) gave an absolutely valiant effort, and I commend him with a ribbon for trying (this is America after all). I wasn't at all disappointed leaving the theater, but I wasn't stoked either. My first thought was this, "I really just want to go back and watch The Bourne Identity again..." Which, isn't a bad reaction for fans to have if you're the people behind the Bourne franchise. However, I probably shouldn't feel like a better version of the movie I just saw already exists. Do you see where I'm coming from here, Roy?

To be fair, who wouldn't fudge their pants a little?
I need to do a quick shorts check just staring at this picture

Roy: I do. This movie was fantastic, Every second was great. In typical Bourne fashion it does not take long for the action to start. We are immersed quickly into this world of intrigue and betrayal at a break-neck pace. This is exactly why we go see Jason Bourne. To get anything less would be massively disappointing. That being said, as this is the fourth Bourne installment, this is the third movie with roughly the same story arc. I say story arc and not plot because each movie has done great at presenting a different plot. But the story arc is exactly the same. Bourne is off the grid hiding from the CIA. Something drags him into the light. The CIA fudges their pants a little when they realize who they are up against... I will avoid saying more because it belongs in the spoiler section, but I think you can all see where I am going from here. Could Greengrass make another successful chapter in this franchise? I have zero doubts. But I'm not sure he should. Cody I don't want to misrepresent this movie to our COARD peeps. You guys should definitely go see this movie. Just don't expect to get anything different than you have gotten three times before.

Cody: The philosophical debate of money/success vs. art has already been decided in Hollywood. And to be honest, most of us are okay with it. As evidenced by the fact that movies like Jason Bourne come out and rush to what is $122 million so far. Because of money, Greengrass will likely head up Jason Bourne: Dead Men Tell No Tales. Wait, Pirates already has that title for their latest movie that doesn't need to exist? Fine. Jason Bourne: Rogue Nation. Seriously?? Goodness. At least they haven't made five Die Hards. OH COME ON! Well jeez. The real debate is which action franchise is going to have their sixth installment first? Mission Impossible seems to be pumping them out lately, so I'm putting my money there. I'm generally okay with franchises that keep ticking along, but Bourne really irked me. The movies and the character are simply more sacred to me. Roy is usually the one claiming to be older and more cultured around here, but allow me to fill his shoes. I liked the Bourne stories from my childhood. I didn't need more than the trilogy. Ultimately, though, it's freaking Jason Bourne. Here's my money. Chalk another one up for money over art. I am part of the problem, and for Jason Bourne, I'm okay with that.

Roy: I too am part of the problem, I was happy to give them my money. Not only that... I have some friends who haven't seen this yet and the odds are good I will pay to see this twice, and I won't consider it a waste. Where does that leave us? It leaves us deep in the clutches of the studio heads of Hollywood, and there is nothing we can do about it.

Cut to a dark room filled with computers and hi-tech screens lining the walls. There are CIA hackers behind all of the computers feverishly searching for Roy and Cody. Someone has something... They enhance the picture. Cue the leader saying, "Oh my God... It's the spoiler section."

Roy: Where do I even start? I guess I should start at the beginning. Of course Jason Bourne becomes an underground international boxing champion while living off the grid. What else is he going to do? He tries hard to not kill anyone, but to quote Liam Neeson, "Jason Bourne has a very particular set of skills." Makes sense this is where he would end up. Poor Nicky finds him and doesn't listen to him when he tells her that trying to expose the new iterations of Treadstone will get her killed. So of course she catches a bullet with her skull.. Good night sweet Nicky, we appreciate everything you've done for our boy. We always knew you had to go this way, it doesn't make it any easier to watch when it happens though.

"If you tell me what to do, I may murder you. Actually...
I'll probably just murder you and take your job anyway"
-Heather Lee

Cody: Enter Heather Lee, played by Alicia Vikander, this movie's version of the internal CIA woman who thinks there are more to Bourne's motive than meet the eye. Nicky created that role, and now Heather coolly eliminates her via field asset to assert herself. That's not the only place Heather was asserting herself. We also have our token old white guy who kills with ease and has extreme tunnel vision on Bourne's case, played this time around by Tommy Lee Jones and named Who Cares. What's important is that Heather is not taking any of his crap! Unlike previous females in the series, her ambition and intelligence allowed her to overrule Jones' decisions. She had her own agenda, and she played it extremely well. Although, as the movie was closing, after her entire road map had been played out, she still was no match for the wits of Jason Bourne. It was nice to have a female who truly got crap done, but at the end of the day, there's no beating Jason Bourne. These are the laws of the universe.

Roy: The thing was I am still unsure of her motives. Does she really care about our boy? When she told her new boss that she was perfectly willing to have Bourne killed if he didn't play ball, was that just so her boss would let her complete her agenda? Or is she yet one more person in a long line of CIA scumbags who think they are smarter than David Webb? The only thing we know for sure is the look on her face was priceless when she was immediately shown that she was in fact, way, way dumber. Here is the thing. No one can ever outsmart Jason Bourne. The reason for this is he trusts no one. It doesn't matter how much that person just spent the last two hours helping him. He trusted two people, Marie and Nicky. And both of them were killed by lesser versions of Jason Bourne. I do want to bring up one small complaint though. I wanted more hand to hand combat. The car chases were superb. The shooting scenes were fantastic. I only got one great fight scene and it ended in one of the most anti-climactic ways it could. Strangulation.

Cody: The movie arced from Heather starting as the friendly female CIA officer, to ultimately her usurping the old white guy directors who hate Bourne. This was all #GirlPower. We've done four movies of old white guys trying to kill Jason. It's time we let a woman be arrogant and get embarrassed by Jason. It's an amazingly ironic side effect of the feminism trend. Sometimes that lead dude role is not one you want, ladies. Now, she could just as easily be anti death programs and pro Jason Bourne next movie, and at which point I will gladly eat crow. Although, let me ask you this audience, if she truly is Team Bourne, how can the fifth movie be an actual Jason Bourne movie? Exactly. Mull that one over. Before we wrap this up, can I just point out how dark Jason got at the end there? I get he was going for vengeance for his dad, but that last fight scene with the asset was brutal. Almost Game of Thrones level hard to watch. Jason has always been
a cold blooded killer. But MAN is he a cold blooded killer. This is not Captain America we're dealing with here, people. Dude is hardcore. And I'll be there in a couple years when a nearly 50 year old Matt Damon is back to kick butt and make money.

The COARD: Star Trek Beyond

We promise not to spoil this amazing movie for you, but not without fair warning that we are about to gush over it like a couple of school girls giggling over the brand new boy in our class. The cute one, with the mysterious past and the sad eyes. 

Kobayashi Maru, Kahn, Altamid...
All just words to James T. Kirk

Roy: Holeee. Crap. You people do not even understand. This movie was great. For the first time all summer I have zero complaints about the movie we are reviewing. It wasn't just the superb acting, or the action sequences, or the story, or even the cinematography. It was all of those things together. Allow me to explain to everyone how beautiful this movie is. In moments it reminded me of Christopher Nolan's gorgeous Interstellar. Director Justin Lin gave us shots of the Enterprise as a small object on the screen which allowed us to understand the enormity of what the intrepid crew was facing, or what the ship looks like traveling at warp speed. Lin was able to pull this off without it feeling like he was stealing from Nolan. It wasn't just space though, everything in this movie was aesthetically pleasing, right down to the cast. Speaking of the cast, I have a confession to make. I heart captain James Tiberius Kirk. Let's be clear, this is not a Chris Pine man-crush. Pine is a fine actor and an attractive man, but James Kirk might be one of the coolest characters ever created. He's a man who doesn't believe in no win scenarios, who will risk everything to save those whom he is responsible for. All the while maintaining a roguish air that Han Solo would be proud of. And Pine has captured the soul of this character and absolutely shines in this role.

Cody: You make an excellent point. Kirk is simply the coolest. He is everything you could ask for in a hero, and the Pine casting was, and remains, fantastic. The crew made up of stellar actors yet again put in another great performance. The writing was superb, as it always is (shout out to Simon Pegg for the writing credit!). You may notice a trend forming among my comments. I think everything about this movie was great. But not just this film, everything has been great every film. We're at the third installment of the Star Trek reboot. This is a point where you normally expect a franchise to take a big step back. That is, if they even made it past movie two without serious slippage. Think about reviews we've done just this summer. Captain America, X-Men, and oh I don't know, Finding Dory? All movies that are part of a franchise. All were lesser versions of their predecessors, some more than others (looking at you, Dory). These are just a few examples from this summer, but stack Star Trek against any franchise since around its inception in 2009. Hunger Games and Hobbit, two mega franchises, both lost steam as they went along. Yet with Star Trek, I walked into the third movie in a franchise with zero fear. I had complete confidence that I would leave the theater satisfied. That experience is unheard of. That's Star Trek.

Roy: I'm going to boldly go where no writer has gone before (admit it, you're impressed by that) and take it a step further. Perfectly good franchises have been forever tarnished because a poorly made third movie takes down the whole thing by pooping the bed. Does anyone remember a movie called The Matrix? Completely fantastic movie that was ruined by a sub-par sequel and a third movie that was as ridiculous as it was stupid. Let's go even further, yeah... I'm saying it. Godfather. Arguably two of the best movies ever made, and with one fail swoop, Sofia Coppola showed up and made us all feel like we were caught in the worst tollbooth in the history of anything ever. So even though you weren't scared walking in, I had a small nagging fear. Not because I didn't believe in J.J. Abrams or the cast, but because history has taught us that too often movies cannot survive the dreaded third installment. Star Trek Beyond didn't just survive, it enhanced the whole franchise. This film showed everyone that they are able to stand entirely alone. If one wanted to find something to criticize Star Trek and Star Trek Into Darkness about, it could be that it stood almost completely on the shoulders of its own history. Featuring Leonard Nemoy heavily in the first movie, and flat out remaking The Wrath of Khan. Which are ridiculous arguments because regardless of the small merits of those points, both of those movies were great on their own. Star Trek Beyond is a completely original story, and it was executed as well as any movie could hope for.

Cody: Beyond did fully stand on its own, and that is impressive not just as a reboot, but also as a third movie in a franchise. J.J. Abrams is clearly a man after our own hearts, but we need to recognize Justin Lin as well. The Fast and the Furious franchise has been so successful that they've been able to produce 42 (read: seven) movies. Justin Lin directed four of those. Clearly the dude knows a thing or two about keeping a franchise fresh as it continues to grow. Now time for your Fun Fact of the Week. Justin Lin directed the first two episodes in season two of True Detective. I clarify first two so that you know he directed episodes before the season completely went down the toilet. Guy has range! Ultimately, we must come full circle to Roy's opening statements. Star Trek is about being in space. The vast final frontier. Where the possibilities are limitless. To capture this and make you feel like you are a part of the journey, it takes incredible cinematography. Stephen F. Windon. A guy we've all probably never heard of. Bravo sir. I know the action/adventure genre doesn't often get Oscar nods, but it isn't too far-fetched that Windon could get a nomination. The movie was that beautiful.

We are totally about to pee our pants over the details of this movie. You should stay and read. It's Star Trek for goodness sake. It's not like we don't know what happens in this movie, everyone almost dies, then Kirk saves them. So stay and read. It was SO good.

Roy: I don't even know where to begin. I love how this movie opened. A wore out Captain Kirk, emotionally and mentally exhausted not sure if he can continue being in deep space for such a long time. I haven't really given much thought to this issue, but I can completely understand it. It would be a grind, so I didn't blame Kirk at all for seeking out an Admiral's position on what can only be described as the coolest star base ever thought up by anyone ever in the history of all time. I was seriously impressed by that. A dome in space that simulates gravity and atmosphere. I wasn't just that though. It was the use of space within the dome. If one looked up to the sky, they were as likely as not to see a different section of road or buildings above them. In a world where gravity can be simulated there is no reason why this wouldn't happen. I find it interesting that we have not seen more of this. The other thing I found charming about this movie is that for a Star Trek film, it was mostly not in space. There were space things at the beginning, and more space things at the end, but in the middle it was all outside of a star ship. But that didn't change the feel of the movie. Every second you knew where you were. With the crew of NCC-1701-A.

I'm good at three things: fighting, comedic relief,
and fixing spaceships. I've already fixed
a spaceship, so what's it gonna be?

Cody: It was absolutely the right direction to take the movie in spending most of the time on the ground. We already saw the Enterprise take on two highly advanced ships in the previous two films. It was glorious, but it was time to switch things up. It gave us characters in a different setting, and that allowed for more robust interactions. The most underrated thing about this movie is the dialogue between characters we haven't seen a lot of together in the previous two iterations. Spock and Bones wandering the wilderness together? Brilliant. Uhura and Sulu leading a prison break? Fantastic. Scottie, Kirk, and Chekov hatching plans with new found bad girl buddy Jaylah? Sign. Me. Up. There was light humor, there was back tapping, and there was general camaraderie. Because the actors have been working together for years, it legitimately felt like the characters had been too. After all, they were supposed to be on a five year mission in space together. Having paired off characters this way kept things fresh. Having fine actors working together on their third project made things great.

Roy: Let's not forget one of Jaylah's most redeeming qualities, an affinity for old-school rap. It's interesting, I was sitting there and the movie was headed towards its climax. I was thinking, "This movie can't possibly get any better." I was wrong. Because then. Sabotage. The crew of the Enterprise had to find a way to disrupt a hive mind of thousands of tiny ships from carving their current ship up like a roast. There was really only one solution. The Beastie Boys: Saving lives since 1980. It was such a great move in this film. Kirk got a sly smile on his face once he heard the opening guitar licks, and suddenly we all knew what we were in for. Rarely do I just sit in a movie and smile. That happened with this film. It was one of those unforgettable moments in an already stellar movie. I could easily write another 500 words on this movie, but I won't. Everyone needs to go see this, especially if you just love movies. I don't mean to be a buzzkill, Cody, but I want to mention one last thing before I throw it back to you. Towards the end of the movie, Kirk raised a toast to departed friends, and the camera lingered on Anton Yelchin's Chekov. Could have been clever editing after the tragedy occurred, could have been fate, or it could have been my imagination. But it was a small nod to the loss that this cast and crew suffered in real life.

Cody: We couldn't possibly be more on the same page. I too sat smiling in the theater while Sabotage played and ruined those annoying bee ships. It was pure, bottled enjoyment. I choose to believe that the camera linger was intentional. It was the perfect gesture in the perfect moment. The symbol of a tight knit crew that lost one of their one. There was another moment in the movie that really hit home for me though. As you mentioned, Kirk was beaten down and considering an admiral position. Giving up the Enterprise. Simultaneously, Spock is considering leaving the Enterprise to become Ambassador Spock. Neither one tells the other. By the end of the movie, they separately decide to run it back together one more time. The connection these two once in a lifetime friends share kept them together when other avenues threatened to pull them apart. All of us have best friends in our lives. There's always that opportunity to let things slide. You can drift. But true friendship pulls us together. Relationships are what drive the human race. Kirk and Spock have one of the best cinematic friendships of all time. And they chose each other and the Enterprise over all other options. There's hope in that for all of us. That's what movies are all about.

The COARD: Ghostbusters

If there's something strange, in your neighborhood.

Who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters.

If you want a cool review, of a movie reboot.

Who ya gonna call? COARDwriters.

My patronus takes the form of
Kate McKinnon in goggles

Cody: Well done, ladies. Well done. This reboot was exciting throughout, and sprinkled in just the right amount of laughs. And I don't know what you're talking about, I wasn't legitimately scared at some points. It's basically a parody film. Only a wimp would be afraid during this. So clearly I was wasn't afraid. Lady Power enthusiast Paul Feig did a fantastic job as writer/director. Two of his favorite actors, Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy were great costarring in this. However, none of

these things matter in comparison to the shining star that is Kate McKinnon. She is the current answer to the question, "which Saturday Night Live cast member is most likely to make everyone in the scene break?" Which, for the record, is the most prestigious fake award I ever bestow on SNL casters. I had a great time watching this movie, and McKinnon's hilarity was the biggest reason among several other worthwhile reasons. Bravo Busters.

Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!

Roy: I think that Cody enjoyed this movie just a tad more than I did. I really liked it, but I didn't love it. My biggest peeve with this movie was I expected more laughs. I'm fully aware this is my own fault. You all should understand something. I'm 36 years old. How is this relevant? I'm an 80's child, unlike my millennial partner. It's safe to say that the original Ghostbusters is not only one of my favorite movies from my youth, but also one of my favorite 80's movies. It doesn't get better than Murray, Akroid, and Ramis. There was so much to like about it, not the least of which was the chemistry, which was off the charts. So this remake had a lot to live up to. About halfway through I realized this movie was not going to live up to my comedic expectations. But I was still really enjoying it. The ladies also had fantastic chemistry and there was more to like about this movie than there was to dislike. Did I like this more than the original? No. But I had a good time, and really that was all I should have asked from this film.

Cody: I did enjoy this movie more than you, and that is because I was capable of accepting it for what it is. This is new Ghostbusters. Feig paid homage to the original, while making this movie stand on its own. He and the producers knew that people over the age of 35 were going to be impossible to please. I commend you for keeping your mind open enough to actually enjoy yourself. Many your age will not have the same attitude. I'm not going to deny the advantage of my age. I was negative seven years old when the original came out. I walked into this reboot without having had my childhood drastically impacted by what came before (for what it's worth, I have seen the original, and I do not consider it to be any funnier than this new version *cue Gen X throwing things at their screens*). The key to a reboot is self-awareness. One must say, the original is the original, and what we're doing here is adding to that brand, not overwriting it. Jurassic World knocked it out of the park with a new premise but a few timely throwbacks. Ghostbusters and, well, Ghostbusters have similar equations, new feel (ladies!), and the latest iteration features the right number of timely throwbacks. If you watched the original dozens of times as a kid, then you're never going to fawn over the new one. However, if you follow Roy's lead and give it a chance, you might find yourself with a lovable third film to add to your collection of ghost hunting comedies. And that all Feig is asking from you.

Roy: Let me just say, that in 11 years, when they remake Speed and you want to burn the world down, I will send you the link to this review. And then laugh. You brought up Jurassic World, but the difference is that was a sequel, not a remake. That being said, you're right. They didn't try to reinvent the Ghostbusters wheel. Feig just added some spokes and gave it another spin for funsies. And it worked. He accomplished this through many nods and every important cameo one can think of minus Rick Moranis because he doesn't like to have fun anymore apparently. Even the late Harold Ramis got a cameo in the form of a bust in the halls of Columbia. But it wasn't just the cameos that made this a thoroughly enjoyable Ghostbusters experience. This entire move felt like Ghostbusters. From the cinematography to the story, every second of this film you know where you were. You were in New York, and in the presence of scientists who found themselves in over their heads when it comes to the dead running amok in their fair metropolis. I could gripe about how most of the laughs in this film were in the trailer, but I won't. Instead I am going to focus on one of the things I thought worked best in this film. The role reversal of the hot bimbo. This is very old hat in movies. Men employ a horribly under-qualified and wildly idiotic woman because she possesses certain "assets" they enjoy looking at. More than that, they refuse to fire her for all of the same reasons. The fact that these ladies hired Stupid Chris Hemsworth and even went into danger to save him because he, "was just starting to learn the phone system" worked beautifully. This is an antiquated trend that was ripe for parody. The best thing about it is they didn't do it to prove a point, although they could have and would have been justified. They did it because it was funny. And let me tell you. It was all of that. 

If you're spooked by spoilers, then you should turn back now, as we're about to enter the spoiler zone.

Cody: Heh, see what I did there, everybody? You can't let your ghost puns just lie around, you have to exorcise them. Oh man, I am on a roll. Silly Roy, you can't remake a Keanu movie. He's Keanu. There is nobody in this world that could be Keanu. What's that you say? They already remade Point Break? Sweet strawberry molasses, Hollywood. What's next? Trying to remake Arnold films with exceedingly non-Arnold actors? Wait....what? You have got to be freaking kidding me! Let me try to collect myself here. Okay. Roy didn't give anything too dramatic away up there, but I still want to talk about Chris Hemsworth. He was fantastic, but the interactions between him and Kristen Wiig. Fan-tastic. She was incredible as a drooling idiot who kept stepping on herself because of how hot Hemsworth was. When she drank out of the coffee he spit back into the mug, I rolled (for the record, this was a great laugh that was not in the trailer, not that I'm tracking them or anything). I liked how they wove in Wiig's character's insecurities around other people's opinions. They kept those moments light and funny, but her ultimate acceptance of who she is added a nice heartwarming touch. On the other end of the heartwarming spectrum, Rowan North. What was up with the villain? That character is probably my only complaint with the movie. I got the sense that Neil Casey played him exactly as Feig wanted him to. It all felt intentional, so I'm not saying they screwed something up along the way. I just didn't get it. The character seemed so dumb to me. My movie senses tell me that the villain was supposed to be as much a loser as the four ghostbusters. I found him to be...too much of a loser? I don't know, okay? He sucked. He sucked and I hated him. Ghostbusters 2 needs Will Ferrell as a villain or something.

I want to go to there.

Roy: Hollywood gets this wrong way more than they get it right, Cody. I just bought the original Point Break last week to celebrate its 25th anniversary, (dear God I'm old). As I was watching it and enjoying literally every second I made the decision to refuse to ever see the remake. I'm not going to taint Keanu and The Swayze at the height of their power with that piece of feces Hollywood plopped on us. ... So it appears I have painted myself into a corner here. And I have no exit strategy! ....WAIT. I have one! That's why I was really nervous going into Ghostbusters, given the history of remakes, we had no business expecting this movie to be good. Bam! Landed that beast! The villain didn't really bother me. I don't think he was meant to be a major player though. Think about it. The original Ghostbusters didn't have a human villain. North was meant to be the catalyst  for releasing ghosts into New York and not much more. And he performed in this task adequately. The real problem was he couldn't compete with the star power already there. Especially when you consider how great everyone in this movie was. He was a means to an end. I don't really have any huge spoilers to discuss. This movie doesn't really warrant that. It all just worked, really well. I do want to give a few more pats on the back though. You fawned over Kate McKinnon, and rightfully so, but all of the ladies in this movie were great. Kristen Wiig is wonderful doing everything you'd expect from Kristen Wiig. And that's not a negative. I never tire of her act. Leslie Jones was captivating in all of her sassy glory, and Melissa McCarthy also handed in a stellar performance. The casting was so well done in this movie. You get the wrong four ladies and the whole thing gets thrown out of balance and falls flat. They found the perfect cast and because of that gave us a very enjoyable two hours. I would encourage everyone to go see this. This isn't going to replace the brilliant original, but it will look really nice in your blu ray collection snuggled up beside of it.

The COARD: The Secret Life of Pets

Against our better judgment we are going to split this up between non-spoilers and spoilers. Sometimes in life, we commit to things. And after completing half of the task we realize that we are only finishing because we have committed to said task, regardless of how stupid it is. That's us and this movie. We are officially writing this review under protest.

Roy: The Secret Life of Pets is exactly like Toy Story. Except it's about pets, and it sucks. Cody?

Cody: Remember when we thought that this movie would be so good it would force us to hate on Dory even more by comparison? Those are happy memories. They were better times, Roy. Better times.

Dane Cook being mildly funny in front of what we used
to consider a large crowd

Roy: Finding Dory. I would happily watch that dumb little fish swim around in a fictitious bay again if it meant I never had to be subjected to Louis C.K. trying to be funny without swearing. I shouldn't fault the actors, though. They did what they could. In fact, if I had to find a bright spot in this movie it would have to be Kevin Hart. I didn't hate his character. Truthfully, I used to loathe him and the movies he made. But then I watched his episode of Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee, and I had instant respect for him. I suppose it's possible I was basking in the Jerry Seinfeld glow and some of it rubbed off on Hart. However, I caught a glimpse of how hungry he still is as a comedian. Then I saw the trailer for Kevin Hart: What Now? and oh my sweet goodness. This dude sold out a football stadium... to his stand-up act. Is everyone understanding what I just said?! Don't believe me? LOOK. How can you not be impressed by that? Remember 10 years ago when we all saw Dane Cook sell out a semi-large "arena" and we were blown away? Hart makes that look like Dane was doing stand-up at a small night club in Bemidji, Minnesooota. Did I just write 220 words about Kevin Hart to avoid talking about this turd of a film? I resent the implication!

Cody: Kevin Hart was definitely the bright spot of this movie. Well, more like dimly lit lamp. But a dimly lit lamp looks like a beacon when all you know is darkness. You're right, we can't blame the actors here. It's an animated movie after all. They can only work with what they are given. What they were given was a movie for toddlers. Yes, I realize it is an animated movie about animals. I know how I sound. Have you seen Zootopia, though? Zootopia is filet mignon. Pets is whatever they pass as steak at Taco Bell these days. We all had reason to expect more from this. Zootopia was charming, clever, and funny. It had an important and simple message that both children and adults could learn from. It was everything you hope for when you watch an animated movie. So there's this adorable rabbit, and this wily fox. They are natural enemies, but they grow to be friends despite their differences. But then there....what's that, you say? I'm not reviewing Zootopia? I'm reviewing Taco Bell? Well, then I've lost all interest in this section.

Roy: In all seriousness though people. If you want to waste 90 minutes that feels like three hours, you can... But I suggest you do something more productive with your time, like watch the Point Break remake.

Here in lie the spoilers. As you may have guessed, they are not going to go well for the poor poor Life of Pets. Enjoy the rant.

Cody: Alright, first and foremost, what in the biscuits was that sausage factory scene? I was already about 80% tuned out due to the glaring lack of plot and annoying animal characters, but that really put me over the top. I quite honestly have not the first clue what that scene was actually supposed to be. My instinct told me the dogs eating the sausages was a similar experience as being on acid. But every other piece of this movie was tailored for toddlers, so that doesn't add up. The only conclusion I can come to is that they just kept throwing stuff at the wall to see what stuck. Including having pets continuously do ridiculous feats, clearly for the entertainment of aforementioned toddlers. So, this is the "secret" life of animals? We're to believe these are animals that exist in the real world. And yet. They accomplished so many asinine tasks right out in the open in front of humans. A maniacal rabbit stops traffic on a major New York bridge, a small dog uses karate to knock unconscious several other assailant animals, and the rabbit dives into the depths of the Hudson to unlock a cage and rescue a dog. The climactic stretch that was a microcosm for this entire movie. Maybe it should have been called the Implausible Life of Pets. At least our expectations would have been re-calibrated. However, nothing could have adequately prepared us for that stink bomb we walked into.

I hate people

Roy: I DEMAND ANSWERS. I want names. Specific names. Who in the name of Ricky Bobby was the individual that decided to put yet one more animal behind the wheel of a freaking vehicle?! I declare an official moratorium on all animals driving. Forever. Death will come on swift wings for any and all guilty parties involved. How did this happen? I'll tell you how. I envision a situation not unlike a scene from Mad Men. Peggy, who now works for Cutler Gleason & Chaough is talking to Stan, who is still at SCDP.  They are trading war stories and commiserating over their problems while on the phone with one another. And if you are sitting there telling me that you are unfamiliar with Mad Men then I cannot help you. You hate great television which speaks to a larger issue about you as a person... But I digress.  So. We have one person at Dreamworks and one at Pixar. The Dreamworks guy has no idea how to save the stupid dogs who are currently drowning at the bottom of the Hudson River. The Pixar guy says, "We had a similar problem. But we just made the octopus drive a truck..." This is how the world dies people. I have to respectfully disagree with both T.S. Elliot and Queen Amidala. The world doesn't die with a whimper or to thunderous applause. It dies when a bunny decides to drive a car to save his dog friends, whom by the way, he spent the last hour trying to murder. If that wasn't enough, I will leave you with more proof of how terrible this movie was. I went to Pets with the target demographic. I took my 9 year old daughter and 7 year old son. After the first 20 minutes I noticed something and began to keep track. Twice. Twice in 90 minutes did my children laugh out loud at this movie. Of course they said they liked it but what are they supposed to say? They're kids. But they didn't laugh. And it didn't matter how much the packed theater roared over the constant and literal poop jokes this movie threw at us. My kids didn't laugh, and I couldn't be more proud of them for that. 

The COARD: The Legend of Tarzan

Back to our regularly scheduled programming of general review, then spoiler included discussion. Although, do you really need me to avoid spoilers here? Couldn't you probably just guess what happens? Okay, fine. I'll do the song and dance here. It is what I promised to do after all.

Cody: I can sense Roy's fear. He knows I have the first word here, and it is eating him alive inside. Trust me, I have a knack for these things. I was raised by animals. Okay, not really, but I had to start with poking fun at the concept of Tarzan. I am a person who genuinely enjoys superhero movies, so I swear that will be the only time I question the underlying premise of the movie. I may be a lot of things, but a hypocrite is only sometimes one of them. Overall, I thought this was a perfectly enjoyable summer flick. Nothing special, but not completely terrible either. I've always liked Skarsgard, and he was well cast as Tarzan. Or sorry, was it John Clayton? Clayton seemed to take the name as an insult, but he sure embraced his Tarzan side. Either way, I give Skarsgard a solid B- for his performance. In fact, you know what, let's make this easy. Everybody except Samuel L gets a B- for their roles. Sam earned himself an B+, even if that was because of the decent comedic relief writing they threw his way. So which of us was right and which was wrong? Well, my expectations were met pretty closely, but I'll concede it was slightly better than I expected. Roy?

Sam is just Sam. Always. Never not Sam. Not on a plane,
not as a slave, not with one eye, not as a Jedi

Roy: It was exactly as I suspected. Which is to say I enjoyed this movie immensely. Everyone did well in this movie, even Cody's beloved Margot Robbie. Which is no surprise as she is a really talented actress and looks to set the world on fire in about a month with Suicide Squad. Christoph Waltz did Christolph Waltz things and that is always a plus. But let's talk Sam for a minute Cody. I agree that he was quite good in this movie. But halfway through when he had a solid back and forth with Tarzan something hit me. And actually, it has been a small theme through this summer's odyssey. Way back in our X-Men review we discussed how J-Law always seems to be J-Law no matter what character she plays as long as she is not in a David O. Russell film. We touched on this subject again citing that Emilia Clarke is the antithesis of this phenomenon. But if there is a king of this rule, that crown belongs to one Samuel L. Jackson. And you know what? That's a good thing. Go ahead, check his IMDB page. I'll wait. I dare you to find a film where he doesn't play himself. But that is exactly why he gets hired for jobs. This man does what he does and we love him for it. I'm not so sure that the following thing doesn't happen all the time in writer rooms... "You know what we need in this movie? Some style. Some attitude. Is Sam available? Excellent." Any movie that he is in I think that if all else fails, Sam will be good.

Cody: While Margot was good, I expect quite a bit more from her as Harley Quinn. Legitimately excited to see her steal that movie. Plus it could be the on screen redemption for Robbie and Will Smith after a meh performance together in Focus. But enough about what may or may not be future COARD material. You're absolutely right about Samuel L. There may be some that do it just as well, but nobody has been themselves so successfully for so long. I'm with you on that feeling too. You know what you're going to get from Sam, and what you're going to get is fun. This wasn't a classic Samuel L. movie by any stretch, but he did stick out among mostly mediocrity. The soundtrack fit the movie fine, and was even noticeably good in spots. The directing by Yates felt pretty similar to Harry Potter, but the subject matter wasn't nearly as fun. The cinematography was choppy and somewhat hectic. Christoph Waltz was the villain, which means the villain was good, but Leon Rom could have been more. In the midst of it all, George Washington Williams, the just and moral partner of Tarzan. There to counterbalance the brutish nature of the hero by just being Samuel L. Jackson. Had he not been here, I may not have been able to keep it together until the spoiler section. Sam keeps me strong. I won't attack the plot util later.

Roy: I thought the soundtrack was excellent. I love the African vibe the movie opened up with and I found the music during the many action sequences fit perfectly. Hozier closing the movie with the superb Better Love was so good that I wanted to sit and watch the credits role just to finish listening to the song. I am obviously way more impressed with this movie than you are. So allow me to throw my cards down on the table. I thought this movie had a lot of heart in it. I cared about the characters. Especially when Tarzan squared off with one of his enemies in the movie. What I expected to be an easy situation to root for Tarzan and against a clearly evil chief turned out to be far more complicated. And that was just one instance where this movie showed heart. There were many things to like about it. I thought Christoph Waltz stayed right where his character needed to be. He was an unfeeling man who was hyper focused on his goals and nothing was going to stand in his way, especially innocent life. He was great as a puppet master who was trying to satisfy the men he was working for while accomplishing his own goals at the same time.

Cody: If you're bored and you want to see a high production value summer flick that won't leave you completely disappointed, then you can do a lot worse than Legend of Tarzan (e.g. Huntsman: Winters War). This has been A Review in 30 Words or Less, with Cody Potter. Thanks for stopping by. If you'd like to see my thoughts on Deus Ex Animal, you can find them in the spoiler section below.

Welcome to the spoiler section. Here is a mini-spoiler about what follows. Cody is going to work really hard to go full Dory on this movie, Roy is going to point out that he is full of crap. All while not caring what we ruin about this movie. You've been warned.

Roy: You know what I really liked about this movie? How it wasn't what I expected for a first Tarzan reboot. Typically one would expect that you see him as a baby and you will get a story how he grows in the jungle, finds Jane, falls in love, blah blah blah. The Legend of Tarzan begins with John Clayton as a noble in London living his life with Jane. All of the fun little bits you get from the typical first Tarzan movie were still given to us but told via flashbacks. Unless you have been living under a rock, you know the story of Tarzan. So they took the best parts and dropped them into a movie with an interesting premise that I did not see coming. I thought it was a really good move. It made the movie interesting. As opposed to what it could have been. A remake of a Disney cartoon minus the dose of Phil Collins.

Cody: Subtracting Phil Collins is not a promising move for any movie, so that would have been a big hill to climb. I'll give it to you here. The premise of John Clayton already being past Tarzan was an intriguing move. I followed the plot as it was developing in front of me. I got sucked in. I was, gasp, enjoying myself. But then it happened. The first moment that pulled me back to reality was when Tarzan and crew needed to board a moving train. They swung on ropes that seemed to stretch for hundreds of yards and landed on a train moving full speed ahead. I had a sense that this movie was going to leave some serious plot holes in its wake. This was the first, but it definitely wasn't the last. It's funny that you mention Dory, because I think the writers tried about as hard for realism here as others did in a movie about an animated fish. These moments kept pulling me away from a movie I was actually enjoying, and that's what ultimately left me lukewarm.

Roy: Since you threw me a bone I shall do the same. There wasn't much that bothered me about this movie. But. I couldn't even with ant stitches. Like, if I was in a giant jungle tree, and "even" was a speeding train below me there was zero chance of me making that train. After Tarzan was bitten in a fight with a gorilla, he had to close the wound. Being Tarzan, and in the jungle, one would assume he could concoct some jungle paste to lather on his wound and then it would be all better, right? Nooooope. He and our boy Sammy sat down and grabbed ants and waited for them to bite Tarzan around his wound. After this happened he would remove the bodies from the head and bam, instant ant stitches. They just tried way too hard, and they didn't need to, because this movie was entirely enjoyable. But unlike my friend, this is where my complaints end.

Lieutenant Colonel Akut and the Gorilla Infantry
save the day

Cody: Deus. Ex. Animal. God from animal. My own spin on the common story trope, deus ex machina. I had a good feeling when I sat down to write that haiku, and I have never been more spot on. Tarzan has been bitten and could die! Ants save the day in an impossible way. Deus ex animal. It got so much worse though. They fully admit in the movie that Tarzan doesn't actually communicate with animals, he just understands them. Fast forward to Tarzan and Chief Mbonga at a Mexican standoff, neither willing to give an inch. I was so on board with this side plot, by the way. Great drama. Will these two men realize they are more alike than they think? Can they find respect and put down their weapons? Sure, but not before the Gorilla Infantry arrive. On cue, at the height of the suspense, several gorillas come from no where to jump into the scrum. Like the Riders of Rohan at
Minas Tirith or Knights of the Vale at Winterfell, they swung the battle in Tarzan's favor. Unlike the aforementioned armies, they, ya know, can't take orders. They're animals. Even if they followed Tarzan all that way on their own volition, how would they know to sit back and wait to see if they were needed when things got really dire? I'll tell you how. Lazy writers. Deus. Ex. Animal.

Roy: First of all, deus ex animal is a bit of a leap. You said yourself in your opening remarks that this is basically a super hero movie. A point that I agree with. If you are going to watch a super hero movie you enter into a binding social contract to suspend some form of reality in order to enjoy what you are seeing. This movie was no exception. If you are going to accept the premise that a baby was raised by gorillas in the heart of the Congo and developed special abilities through this lifestyle; then by extension you have to accept that within the framework of this story, animals will have higher cognitive functions than they actually have in real life. Complaining about the animals helping Tarzan in this movie is like whining that Iron Man cannot be real because the technology he uses does not exist. Furthermore, one of us really liked Disney's real life adaptation of The Jungle Book, and the other did not. How can one person be completely fine with wolves raising a child in the jungle and animals singing to each other, but swinging on a Spider-Man like vine and using gorilla family members in a fight be too much?? Because I would like to point out, at least the animals in Tarzan didn't physically talk to each other... in English.

A black panther, a grizzly bear, and an Indian child just chilling in a
tree as besties, about to break into song

Cody: I had a feeling you were going to throw The Jungle Book in my face. If you didn't enjoy Christopher Walken as a singing giant Orangutan, then there's no hope for you as a human being. It was pure brilliance. Furthermore, that movie is meant for the imaginations of children. This was clearly targeted at an older audience, thus is held to a higher standard. When panthers, wolves, and bears all join forces to raise a child through song, that's an adorable children's story. However, when lions, gorillas, and men join forces to destroy an entire town and army, that's a bit ridiculous. Superheroes are impossible, that's for sure, but they stick to the general set of 'rules' laid out in the creation of that particular super hero. Spider-Man doesn't suddenly start communicating with spiders without any previous indication of that power existing. Tarzan's animal friends shouldn't be able to suddenly start following organized plans when it was previously stated he can't actually communicate with them. Consistency. That's all I'm asking for here. The writers just kept taking the easier and easier way out as the movie went on, culminating in the aforementioned animal organized water buffalo stampede. It went over the top, and I went into eye roll mode.

"You're 'opeless"

Roy: You're taking the whole, "it was explained he can't communicate with the animals" thing way too literally. Could he carry on a conversation about how their day is going? No. But could he make them understand that he wanted to attack a herd of water buffalo? Yeah, I think that is easily within Tarzan's skill set. Now, if he had told the water buffalo to stampede into the town you would have a point. And the gorillas would fight for him because they considered him family. This is your "ant head stitches" moment. You're just trying too hard. However, we have been friends a very long time. And I'm not dumb enough to think that you will ever acquiesce to my superior logic. So in the words of yet another great Sam....

Cody: You're right that I'm not going to budge, but wrong that this is my ant head stitches moment. It's the cumulative effect of several ant head stitch moments that ultimately entrenched me in this position. When you're at the theater, you want to be lost in the movie. It's these plot fixer deus ex animal moments that continued to push me back out. Like I said before, you can do a lot worse than Tarzan. It wasn't bad by any stretch. It just wasn't great either. Middle of the road. Forgettable.

Roy: You know what?! You're forgettable.