The COARD Awards

Welcome to the first annual COARD Awards. A summer of fourteen movies reviewed by the brilliant tandem deserves a send off of an epic nature. Here's our layout: each reviewer is allowed to sponsor four/five award categories. The sponsor leads off, and the other reviewer is given a chance to respond with his nominee. Here we go!

Best Actor

Category Sponsored by Cody

Cody: Let's come out of the gates with a big one here. Why go straight for Best Actor? Because I needed an excuse to revisit The Many Shades of McConaughey, that's why. This was not the easiest choice; there were a few worthy candidates this summer. However, it was never going to be anyone other than the star of my favorite fictitious scrapbook. Since we made up these awards, I'm going to create the rule right now that applies to the entire event. Prior performances can weigh into our decisions. We're humans. We've been influenced by the past, and we've built up opinions of actors, directors, and so on. McConaughey has been crushing it, and he did no different in Free State of Jones, so he gets my nod here. Now let's all go see him in Kubo and call it a day here.

Roy: Well I can't just hand this thing to McConaughey; and no Cody, I don't care how good you think he smells. Because let's be completely honest. The dude probably smells like bong water and regret. Having said that, he is definitely in the conversation because Free State of Jones was fantastic, as was Matty in that movie. As I see it, the choice is between McConaughey, Collin Farrell, and Ryan Gosling. If I was trying to be a total hipster critic the award would go to Farrell because he was delightful in that wonderfully odd movie. But I'm going Gosling. It's hard for a man that good looking to make people believe he's kind of a boob. And Gosling did just that. I didn't see Gosling. I saw the character. And Cody can throw a fit if he wants. But he cannot deny how much he enjoyed The Good Guys, nor can he pretend that The Gosling didn't crush that role. All due respect to Russell Crowe, Gosling made that movie. He was constantly there making people feel things. Sometimes laughter, sometimes sadness, but always making you feel something. Further more, if there is one actor out there who can compete with McConaughey in the looks department, it is one Ryan Gosling.

Co-Winners: Matthew McConaughey and Ryan Gosling

Sponsor's Notes: I take no issue with Roy's nomination. Gosling was stellar. Plus he's Gosling. Quality pick, Roy. This momentous occasion is definitely being scrap booked in The Many Shades of McConaughey.

Best Actress
Category Sponsored by Roy

Roy: I have two words for you people. Emilia Clarke. We basically wet ourselves discussing her range. It's easy to forget just how bubbly she was in that movie, which is a drastic change from how we all know and love her as Danerys Targaryen. The best part about it was that she was so believable in this role. She made me enjoy a movie about assisted suicide armed with nothing but her charm, winning smile, and bumblebee tights. Cody, if you were a paraplegic and ending your life, and you had to have one person not named Matthew McConaughey by your side, is there anyone else you would choose? Let it be stated for the record that I really tried to give this award to one of the other ladies we reviewed over the summer. I spent five whole minutes trying to talk myself into Rachel Weisz's performance for The Lobster. And then I came to a conclusion. In this category, Clarke is Usain Bolt. No one can touch her. She took a sad film and made it incredibly lovely. Which cannot be an easy thing to accomplish, Without her in this role, people may have been hoping for the figurative, and, well, literal end so they could leave the theater.

A beacon of hope

Cody: Roy really wants to "not" be a hipster reviewer, but can't help but bring up The Lobster at every opportunity. You're artistic. We get it, man. For the record, McConaughey is more of an along for the ride kind of guy. At the end of everything, don't we all sort of want Matt Damon to be there? No? Just me? Well, anyway, Emilia Clarke is the obvious choice here, but is there a dark horse candidate that could take the crown? A certain, goggle wearing, ghost chasing, firecracker of a woman? Kate. McKinnon. Yes, I realize that Ghostbusters is a comedy, but you know what, as much as I am pretending differently in my head, these aren't the Oscars. So a comedy actress could win this award. I would defend the choice of McKinnon to the grave if I went that direction, and if it weren't for Clarke, I would go as far as calling McKinnon the runaway favorite. Unfortunately for her, we did review Clarke this summer, and she just cannot be denied. Lou Clark was possibly the most lovable character we reviewed, and it was all Emilia Clarke. Well done Danerys Stormborn.

Consensus Winner: Emilia Clarke

Sponsor's Notes: First of all, the cornerstone of The Lobster was its acting performances, and since we were handing out acting awards, I felt compelled to mention them. But that's just me. I clearly have more journalistic integrity than Cody, who would much rather open beer bottles with his toes and laugh at fart jokes. Also name one situation where Matt Damon doesn't make things better. You can't; because he's everything.  

That Idea Is Just The Worst
Category Sponsored by Cody, credit to Lego Movie

Cody: We already know that the worst idea of this summer, and possibly all time, was pets driving cars, so I challenge us to move beyond that. What movie screwed up the worst. Was the movie itself the worst idea? What about the casting decision for a particular character? Whatever goes! This could prove to be one of our more difficult categories, because the movies we reviewed were generally solid. The vacation scene in Me Before You comes to mind. Lou Clark had won us all over with her simple charm, and was suddenly at an all inclusive luxurious resort. Perhaps any of the ridiculous feats of one, Tarzan? As much as I would like to go there, I have to give this award to one of my favorite franchises, X-Men. As much as I love those films, I cannot forgive the egregiousness of the destruction in that movie. There is not a remotely logical path bath to another movie in the franchise. The world was irrevocably changed by the mutants. Making matters worse, all this happened "before" the events of the original trilogy. Meaning the chaos of X-Men Apocalypse rendered those movies impossible. I'm still salty. That idea was just the worst.
Roy: It's hard for me to move beyond animals driving cars. However, I'm going to be the bigger man here, while staying put in the general area. I'm giving this award to anyone and everyone involved in the process of The Secret Life of Pets. Which is not easy, I like a lot of the cast. But that doesn't excuse the ninety minutes that felt like three hours of my life that was stolen from me. You know what? I'm even including anyone who went to this movie and enjoyed it. If that's you, the reader, you get to take this award too. Congratulations. You have horrible taste in movies. Beginning to end this movie was terrible. And there are people out there who laughed hysterically at poop joke after poop joke, what's worse is there are people out there who wrote poop joke after poop joke and put them into this movie. And I'm generally a fan of poop jokes. You know why? Poop is funny. Go ahead, try it. Say "poop" and not smile. Do it now. ... See? Poop is funny. But when that is the foundation for your poorly made movie than you have wasted the time of everyone. And if my paragraph hasn't summed it up, this 28 second clip perfectly captures my feelings on the matter.

Consensus Winner: X-Men Apocalypse and The Secret Life of Pets

Sponsor's Notes: Roy couldn't help but dip back into the Pets well, and I am absolutely okay with it. It will live in infamy, much like Magneto's insane level of destruction would have for mankind.

Coolest Person In The History Of All Things Ever
Category Sponsored by Roy

Roy: There are more than a few characters who are throwing their hats in the ring on this one. Captain America, Tarzan, Magneto, Jason Bourne, either one of The Nice Guys... But really. If your name isn't James Tiberius Kirk you have zero shot at winning this title. Let's look at it this way. We throw all of these people in a pit and have them fight it out. The smart money is on Jason Bourne, because he's freaking Jason Bourne. But would you ever bet against Captain Kirk? Only if you're an idiot. Kirk always finds a way. You hear me?! ALWAYS. He can take a beating better than anyone on this list and just not give up. It's one of his best qualities. One of many. I know the award is coolest person, not toughest. But I don't see much of a difference here.

Cody: Before I get to my selection, I must quickly mention how ridiculous it is that Tarzan is on your short list. Did you see the other names there? Tarzan doesn't belong in that sentence, my friend. This without a doubt comes down to two Captains to me. I love Cap. He may be old school and corny, but he stands for everything I believe in. Plus, America is literally in his name. Can you get any more patriotic? Answer: yes, yes you can. Captain Kirk is everything that America is built on. Freedom, loyalty, perseverance, roguish handsomeness. All outstanding American qualities. James T. Kirk for president.

Consensus Winner: Captain James Tiberius Kirk

You're welcome

Sponsor's Notes: Tarzan was raised by gorillas and can call an army of animals to his aid on a whim. If that's not cool then I'm not sure you know what "cool" is. But you do... because Kirk.

Most Surprising Performance
Category Sponsored by Cody

Cody: Nominations in this category can go to any performance that surprised. Actor, actress, directing, movie, anything. Part of our journey this summer was to record our expectations in succinct poetry format. I had mixed thoughts on several movies, and actors as well. Gosling surprised me with his performance as Holland March. X-Men Apocalypse surprised me with how over the top the franchise became in a blink. However, I went into Money Monster fully expecting it to be disappointing. Instead, I got a wonderfully delightful hour and a half. This category is about the gap between expectations and reality. In that area, Money Monster knocked it out of the park. It went beyond just not being a disappointment. It became one of my favorite movies we reviewed this summer, and next to Nice Guys, might be the most re-watchable one on the list.

Roy: Excellent choice! And you're not wrong. Money Monster was well.... money. But you're not right either. I think the only answer to this question has to be Kate McKinnon. I walked into Ghostbusters not knowing what to expect. It could have been terrible. That whole reboot had an uphill battle ahead of them. Remaking a movie that is beloved and considered a classic in its own right can have disastrous results. But Paul Feig knew what he was doing. And part of that was giving McKinnon a pair of welding goggles, a proton pack, and allowing her to unleash herself on the world. I knew from her bright moments on SNL that she had the potential for greatness. Her performance in Ghostbusters proved that to everyone else. I'm handing out another award to her, even though Cody sponsored this category. She gets the Hired Gun award. Right now, if you need a woman to walk into a room and kill it, she is on your short list, right next to her two co-stars from this film, Melissa McCarthy and Kristin Wiig.

Co-Winnners: Money Monster and Kate McKinnon

Sponsor Notes: Kate McKinnon needed another mention in these awards, so I'm not just okay with your winner, I'm in fact ecstatic to see her get the nod in a category. #HoltzmannForever

Best Film We Did Not Review This Summer
Category sponsored by Roy

Roy: It should not surprise you to learn that between the two of us we see almost everything that comes out. Did we want to review everything we saw this summer? Sure we did. But when it really comes down to it, could we really write two thousand words on Central Intelligence? To answer your question. Yes we could, but we weren't sure we wanted to read our own thoughts on Central Intelligence let alone unleash said thoughts upon the internets in all of their glory. Some stuff we walked out of, happy that we choose not to review that dumpster fire we can never unsee... We're looking at you Independence Day Resurgence... Others we walked out of with a desire to run to our laptops. I narrowed my list down to three. The Shallows, The Conjuring 2, and Hell or High Water. All three were great. Had we reviewed The Shallows I would have handed the Most Surprising Performance award to it. I was not expecting much and was blown away. Just 90 minutes of intense fun. The Conjuring 2 was downright terrifying. It receives the coveted, Made a Grown Man Swear Loudly In Terror award. And my brother will never not live that moment down for the rest of his life. But the unequivocal winner is Hell or High Water. I cannot say enough about this brilliant film. Do not be surprised if this snags one of the best picture nominations come February. Every performance was heart felt and masterful. A 21st century western with authenticity oozing from every frame. Every thing is coming up Chris Pine this summer!

Cody: By "brother," do you mean "you?" And by "Swore In Terror," do you mean "peed yourself?" It's okay, you're in a safe place. You don't have to be afraid anymore. By the way, for what it was, Central Intelligence was totally, unequivocally, decent. It had some solid laughs, and I didn't completely hate it. Was it remotely a candidate for this award? Of course not. There are several movies that I enjoyed, but two rise above the rest as competitive within this category. Swiss Army Man and the aforementioned Hell or High Water. These two movies could not be less alike, but I absolutely loved them both. I highly suggest everyone see Swiss Army Man. It's entirely, completely, blissfully, unique. I also should warn you that it is profoundly weird. Know what you're walking into. But enjoy every second of that bonkers film. However, there is far and away a clear winner here. Hell or High Water isn't just the best film we reviewed this summer, it is the best film I saw all summer. It probably won't win best picture for whatever stupid reason, but it deserves the nomination. I really hope it wins for something. Maybe screenplay or cinematography, depending on what else is up? Regardless, go see this absolutely fantastic film.

Consensus Winner: Hell or High Water

Sponsor's Notes: Cody brings up a great point. Swiss Army Man deserves a mention. But is hands down the weirdest movie I've ever seen. If Hell or High Water doesn't get nominated for multiple categories, I will write an strongly worded open letter to Hollywood and sign Cody's name at the bottom. And just because my brother swore loudly in terror, doesn't also not mean I didn't completely not pee myself and pass it off as spilled cherry coke.

Best Director
Category sponsored by Cody

Cody: We didn't review any films likely to get a best director nod in the 2017 Oscars, but that doesn't mean we didn't have some talented folks at the helm of the films we reviewed. There's no doubt that Roy will be mentioning Yorgos Lanthimos here for The Lobster, and he isn't wrong to do so. Lanthimos was great as both writer and director. We gave an in review shout out to Jodie Foster, who kept Money Monster ticking along at a wonderfully entertaining pace. But you know what? I need to give an award to Ghostbusters, because it just plain deserves to get one from me! Paul Feig put together the best franchise reboot I have seen, and he did so without shining even the slightest negative shadow on the classic films. It may not be the most traditional choice, but he's my choice.

Roy: You're just daring me to go Lanthimos all over everyone! But I'm not taking your hipster bait. Deal with it. I'm also not going to argue your point. Feig took an impossible, no-win situation and got the win. Good for him. However, I am going a different way because I don't think he is the clear cut winner. I'm currently at war with myself. Justin Lin deserves this award for Star Trek Beyond. Shane Black also deserves this award for The Nice Guys. I'm not sure how I'm possibly expected to choose between the two. Lin framed every scene perfectly. Star Trek doesn't lag, doesn't waste your time, and punches you in the face with awesome at every turn. Black takes a buddy cop movie and allows a slow burn to take place. The action doesn't keep the same pace as Star Trek, but that is what's great about it. The Nice Guys moved along right as it should have. It was fun, it was methodical, it had collateral damage all over the place. I can't believe I'm doing this but I'm going with Shane Black! He wrote AND directed The Nice Guys and reminded us why he is the buddy movie king. It is at this point that I would like to point out the hypocrisy of Cody that I live with constantly. "Paul Feig put together the best franchise reboot I have seen." With one click everyone can see that Cody has already bestowed that honor to Star Trek. If not explicitly in those words, then in spirit. If Cody was a dog he would hump the leg of Star Trek every time it came over for dinner.

Co-Winners: Paul Feig and Shane Black

Sponsor's Notes: You being the one to point out my superlatives is like Ryan Lochte calling someone out for fibbing. Pot, kettle, black. Sure, I may have waxed a little to land my argument for choosing Feig, but do any of us actually consider Star Trek in the same world as other franchise reboots? Star Trek as a franchise, like Star Wars, never really ended. That's the best defense I've got, but seriously, how great was the director field this summer? Stacked!

Best Picture
Category sponsored by Roy

Roy: I really considered breaking every rule about this awards post and handing the hardware to Hell or High Water. Because that absolutely was the best film of the summer. Alas, I don't make the rules... Well maybe I do, but I'm not sure it's worth listening to someone whine about me going rogue. Then having to argue my position for a day and a half, especially when we already established our viewpoint on that movie. So instead I'm going to the second best movie I saw all summer. Star Trek Beyond. There is so much to like about this movie. The cinematography was superb. The directing was sublime. Captain Kirk was sexy. NO. I'm not sorry! You can have McConaughey, Cody. I'll take my boy James Tiberius Kirk. We both know you picked the wrong camp. In all seriousness people. If you haven't seen this movie yet you are missing out. Do yourself a favor and boldly go where a crap-ton of people have already gone this summer.

Cody: So which is it, Gosling over McConaughey or Kirk over McConaughey? Make up your man crush mind. You can't just have infinite options! I'm not sure if you're insinuating that I would have a problem with you suggesting Hell or High Water, because if so, that's blasphemous. All you readers need to see that movie. But you're right, Roy. There are obvious fake rules that apply to our contrived awards ceremony, and we're not about to break the rules that we didn't explicitly set. It's just the honorable thing to do. I can't. I won't. Is everyone convinced yet? I'm not convinced. Whew. What if I went with Suicide Squad? Just to see if our blog got blocked by certain IP addresses? I can only assume Disney wouldn't let this get out. I'm kidding, Disney! There's only one choice among the movies we reviewed. I must agree with my esteemed colleague. Star Trek Beyond slams through the door like Captain Kirk riding an old beat up motorcycle. Top to bottom, pound for pound, the undisputed champion of the summer. And that includes McConaughey (I'm so sorry, Matthew). Now we start the long dark wait to the next one in the franchise, and the safe bet is the wait will be worth every second.

Your 2016 COARD Awards Best Picture Winner

Consensus Winner: Star Trek Beyond

Sponsor's Notes: What I am most proud of is the fact that in true awards show fashion, we have gone way too long and delivered a bloated product to the masses. Not unlike any Avengers movie ever made. Wait. scratch that. What I'm most proud of bagging on the Avengers one last time before the summer season ends.


Post Script

Captain's Log, Stardate 2016.257.
We've completed our primary mission, and, if I may be candid, done so with absolute flying colors. The path of a blog writer is a winding one, but we navigated through the summer with precision and ease. The crew is weary. This reprieve will be necessary, though I sense their minds already at work, searching for what is next for The COARD. Always seeking to entertain, I can't imagine the crew staying put for too long. The movie galaxy is vast and, while finite, can often appear endless. There are many areas of the map left uncharted. Some have been visited by members of our crew, but not all. While others still remain untouched by anyone on The COARD. No, I think this crew will soon be setting off. Off to view and review movies to fill in the gaps of the iconic movieverse. Until next time.