We solemnly swear that we will not spoil X-Men Apocalypse for you. What follows is a spoiler-free review and overview of the movie. We will then get into all the action and plot points (assuming there were any worth mentioning...not to give away my opinions or anything, but...yea...)
Cody: For the first time in the revamped COARD, my opinion of a movie exactly matches my preview haiku. Boy, that was a whole lot of empty destruction. Did I enjoy this movie? Yes, sure I did. The X-Men are freaking cool and the new cast of actors is filled with big names and mostly big performances. Michael Fassbender continues to be phenomenal as Magneto, and he isn't the only one worthy of a shout out for his acting chops in this. Those couple sentences will likely be the nicest you get from me in this review. It wasn't like this was a particularly bad movie; it just wasn't particularly good either. Remember when Roy mentioned all the things he has disdain for in the Avengers films? That's exactly how I feel about this X-Men film. It was two hours and twenty minutes long, and that was somehow simultaneously too long and too short. They tried to fit so much into one movie, that some pieces felt a little haphazard. Meanwhile, some of the peripheral characters and scenes could have been cut. So that's where I'm at with it, let's see if Roy was on a similar page.
Roy: Well this is awkward... I was fully prepared to lay out a scenario in which I was going to explain to everyone that this movie was much better than anything the Avengers had done. But then I read your paragraph. And you're not wrong. How can I just trash Avengers for all of their empty destruction and action and walk away from the X-Men feeling completely different about a movie that broke all of the same rules? I believe I have arrived at an answer. It came down to two things. One of them completely drives the other. Acting and story. As Cody said, the acting is great in this movie. Fassbender is brilliant, but so is James McAvoy. He nails the humanity in Charles Xavier which is the core of who that character is. The performances in this film drive the story of these characters and it's easy to look past all of the gratuitous destruction because it is done to help tell an interesting story. Is it too much? Absolutely. But they have something the Avengers didn't. X-Men has a good story to tell. Where the Avengers have no story at all.
Cody: I wholeheartedly disagree with Roy on the point about the story. I'm going to hold out until the spoiler section so I can fully eviscerate his misguided opinions. I will give McAvoy his credit for another quality performance as Professor Xavier. Going back to the original X-Men films with Sir Ian Mckellen and Patrick Stewart, X-Men has always been at its best when Xavier and Magneto share the screen. This remains true with McAvoy and Fassbender. Something about two men who are quasi-enemies with true respect for each other. It just works. So there, I said some more nice things about the movie, even if I did have to go back to 2000 to make it work. Acting wise, you know who seemed really out of place? Jennifer Lawrence. Obviously, Lawrence is a talented actress, but she's never really fit as Mystique. I'm willing to accept this point as pure personal opinion, because I'm about to dig into how I think the character should be played. Lawrence brings a certain bravado to every role she plays, whereas, Mystique takes a bit more finesse. I mean, for goodness sake, look at the character's name! That alone suggests she should be played less audacious and more sly. And yes, I realize that I'm writing about the complexities of a blue mutant lady. I can pontificate on literally any subject, and in the words of Ron Burgundy, don't act like you're not impressed.
Roy: While I mentally prepare to destroy Cody and his unbridled pretentiousness later in the review, I will agree with him about J-Law. I kept waiting for her to begin shouting that she has to save Peeta and then run off screen to do just that. Is it because she has become type-cast as Katniss Everdeen? No. But Cody said something to me the other day that fits perfectly in this discussion. It feels like the majority of the roles she plays are Jennifer Lawrence doing Jennifer Lawrence doing her character. And maybe I am being unfair and painting her with too broad of a brush but she definitely feels this way when playing Mystique. Sooo... Is it cool to gush over Evan Peters as Quicksilver yet? Because let me tell you, this guy stole the entire movie. And we already stated how well the performances (minus Mystique) were in this film, so it was not an easy thing to do. Every time Peters was on screen I found myself wishing he had more screen time. He hit all of his lines perfectly and also had a fairly interesting part of the story... Yes. STORY Cody, to tell.
Cody: It's like you are begging me to drive my spoiler train right into Spoilerville and crash right into the Spoilerville town square killing hundreds in a fiery explosion after the spoiler train comes off the tracks because of a loose bolt because trains are the most dangerous evil creations of all time. Wait. What just happened? It's like my thought process got...derailed *cue rim shot.* Anyway, Quicksilver. Peters was fantastic, as he was in Days of Future Past. He's one of those actors that you can tell had a ton of fun portraying the character, and that kind of energy is contagious for the audience. I wish he had all of the screen time. All of it. Make a freaking Quicksilver movie. Why not? It would probably fall backwards into $100 million just by being a Marvel/X-Men movie. Since it's a Marvel movie, they could probably write the script, film it, and have it in post-production by August.
Roy: It's almost like you chose to write 100 words of complete nothing about trains in a feeble attempt to avoid talking about a movie that you claim to "like," even though all you have been doing is pooping in its cheerios...
Cody: I'm just here so I don't get fined.
Warning. You are about to wander into spoiler territory. For the rest of this review you will be subjected to Cody whining about what he believes is a sub-par story, while Roy will save the day by poking holes in Cody's pathetic and illogical arguments. All of this will take place while discussing details of the movie. You've been warned.
Roy: Before our review gets hijacked by Cody and turns into the Thunderdome I am going to hit on the particular bits I liked the best. Literally any point where time was slowed and they showed Quicksilver running around in normal speed saving people or fixing things was just the best. In particular when the school was blowing up and he ran through every room and saved everyone, including any and all goldfish, before the explosion claimed any lives.... Well, except poor stupid Havoc, but he can't save people from being idiots. I know we said it earlier but we need more of Peters. It was nice to see Sophie Turner play a character where she wasn't completely useless; because for five seasons of Game of Thrones that is all she has had to work with, and I think she is a really good young actress. Speaking of useless. The team members that Apocalypse surrounded himself with not named Magneto. Storm who spent most of the final battle just watching things happen, Angel who had metal wings that shot knives at people, and Psyloche, who was a big disappointment because her super power was being a less cool purple-electric Indiana Jones. It reminded me of what a high school basketball team looks like with a blue chip recruit. They can throw any random JV squad trash on the court and as long as Magneto is up there handling his business they have a shot to win.
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| They didn't even try to hide it |
Roy: Woah... I can't... It's just that... I mean. I know you're not intentionally trying chuck our beloved Star Wars into a dumpster fire but it feels like that is exactly what you're doing. Or maybe... you knew I would lose all perspective and run off on a tangent explaining that we all need to just be thankful Disney and J.J. rescued us from the dumpster fire the prequels actually were and be happy that Star Wars is back...But I'm not going to do that. Clever Cody. You almost won. But yes, a recurring theme in X-Men is Magneto and Charles' anxiety over the fact that humanity will never truly embrace the mutants and Magneto is more willing to fight a war to insure his survival while Charles takes an optimistic approach. But that is interesting. Further more, I do not believe we have ever seen Magneto live the Charles Xavier method before. Watching him try to live a normal life in a charming Polish village only to watch his adorable family die at the hands of idiot and puny humans was one of the high points of the whole movie. It makes him even more of a sympathetic character than he was to begin with. I think this revamped X-men trilogy does an incredible job with Magneto. Don't get me wrong. Magnedalf (Ian Mckellan) was great. But the story is better in the revamped series.
Cody: I would have gladly sacrificed this entire review just for the satisfaction of watching you tear yourself apart trying to defend both Star Wars and X-Men at the same time. I will give you credit; you found a good original piece of this movie. I have not seen Magneto that dedicated to living a human life. And! He only gave up that human life because he used his powers to save someone from certain death. Freaking humans, man. They give the mutants so many reasons to hate them. So, well done with that point. To counter, I'm going to bombard you with a list of pointless things from this movie, in no particular order. Moira Mactaggert, Charles having a schoolboy crush on Moira, Quicksilver being Magneto's son but being too big of a chicken to tell him, Olivia Munn, force feeding William Stryker and Wolverine into the story, and, of course, everything Scott Summers has done ever, This is where I tie it back to my initial point. Let's get rid of Moira, Stryker, and Wolverine. That probably saves us 25-30 minutes. Now the movie is under two hours, but we could push it back up over two hours with a dash of Quicksilver and a whole bunch of better plot surrounding our main villain, Apocalypse. Maybe, and I'm just spit balling here, we add a scene where Apocalypse further explains how he has controlled life throughout the millennia. I get that he wants world domination, but I think there could be more motive. Magneto is such a rich character, whereas Apocalypse was kind of blah. So anyway, in this scene, Apocalypse explains he has to have a mutant sacrifice as part of his ancient rituals. He then vaporizes Scott Summers as a sacrifice in the name of the one true god, himself. See? I just made this movie way better!
Roy: I also have to concede. You picked the most meaningless part of the movie in bringing up Moira Mactaggert. I thought we were done with her because she disappeared after X-Men: First Class. But all of a sudden she inadvertently causes the destruction of the world because she let sunlight into an underground cavern... Maybe my "this is a good story" argument isn't holding up as well as I initially planned. BUT! She is a secondary character who doesn't matter. Anytime we are back to our two main characters things were good. And yeah, Apocalypse was kinda meh. But I do disagree with you on the Quicksilver being Magneto's son aspect. I think that was a nice touch, although there was no reason for him to not tell Magneto. Also I'm a sucker for Wolverine. I love that we saw him in this movie with adamantium claws intact! Seeing him really didn't add more than five minutes to this movie. They had to escape from the military anyway. Why not give us five good minutes of Logan ripping the innards out of over-matched soldiers? Everyone wins there. Speaking of every one winning. The Cyclops human sacrifice is a brilliant idea. How much less pouty and angsty would the mansion be if he just wasn't there anymore? Then Logan and Jean could finally be together they way they should be! Excellent idea.
Cody: I should clarify, I didn't hate Wolverine's appearance. Because. Wolverine is freaking awesome. But why must the military capture them in every single movie? Why must Stryker always be involved? Couldn't they have created drama in a different way this time around? There was really no explanation of why it was specifically Stryker's group that captured them. Basically they wanted to bring in familiar characters, so Stryker captured them, and of course he has Wolverine locked up. But it sure was fun to see Wolverine go on that gratuitous over-the-top killing spree. Speaking of over the top, the level of destruction in this movie. Was that Man of Steel I just watched? Charles Xavier believes in a world where humans and mutants can live in harmony. Magneto and Apocalypse just crushed that world into oblivion. There literally can't be a movie after this one. They destroyed everything. It's all gone. Magneto pulled up pieces of the actual earth and ruined entire cities. A single mutant. Suddenly, I'm sympathizing with the humans. How can you let these people roam around unchecked when one of them is capable of destroying the planet. Where do you go from here? Do they travel to outer space or something? They've painted themselves into a corner. That was about as grandiose as you could possibly get. The world decided to put shackles on the Avengers because they dropped a city from the sky. What does the world do when a group of people nearly rip the planet apart? In real life, you would Navy Seal that group and shoot on site.
Roy: Somewhere Kathryn Bigelow is reading this review and started working on her next script. Way to just hand more money to Hollywood bro. Yes. you are correct. And this is a problem that is larger than X-Men and unfortunately is a by product of the superhero genre which has taken over the world. The point of superhero movies is to see them do cool stuff typical humans cannot do. This can't be done without massive destruction. As these movies get larger they have to keep pushing the envelope. The pendulum really can't swing any farther. At least with Man of Steel there was a purpose. They knew they were gong over the top with the destruction but that was done to set up Dawn of Justice. At least there was a plan involved and it was part of a larger narrative. It's possible that is the plan for the next one but at this point that theme has been done by Batman vs. Superman and The Avengers. X-men missed the boat on that being an original take. In the final scene, Jean and Magneto are repairing Xavier manor in a matter of seconds. Here's just a thought... Maybe they should have done that to the city they destroyed fighting each other first? Maybe they did and we just weren't shown that? Who knows. As much as I like this movie. I'm glad that we are done with superhero movies for the summer. Maybe we wont get any more unrealistic destruction. .......Crap. Just checked our schedule. Looks like we are going to be forced to deal with this issue three more times this summer at least. Maybe we should write a movie where architects and general contractors take over the world because they are basically the new world's currency. At least that would be believable.
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