The COARD: Got Busy Livin'

Yup. Just peed a little

Roy: Look, let's address the elephant writing film reviews in the middle of the room. A room, where the floor is littered with awards in the shape of tiny golden boats stamped with the word "COARD." It has been 7 months and 12 days since we last wrote anything about movies. This would not be such a big deal if someone didn't write a whole pretentious epilogue trying failing to do their best Kirk impression, vaguely hinting that we would not be gone for too long. However we do owe our ardent fans an explanation. We had a superb plan all worked out. It was going to be great. You guys and gals were going to love it. We were about to get started. And then... I got a phone call. One phone call changed everything. My Cubbies were in the World Series and they needed my help. I promised I wouldn't discuss my role within the organization, so I won't. And I'm not saying that Jason Heyward wasn't really the one to calm the guys down in the clubhouse during the game 7 rain delay... But I'm not not saying it either... Believe it or not, despite my busy October I got a chance to see a few flicks. Everyone reading this do yourself a favor. Find Desierto right now. On demand, Target, wherever... Watch it. Do It now. Jeffery Dean Morgan was outstanding in that film and Jonas Cueron showed us that his Dad Alfonso isn't the only auteur in the family.

Time is a flat circle, and it turns out, so is language

Cody: So I got caught up in the spirit of The COARD awards. Everyone was wearing tuxes and dresses, stuff was falling from the ceiling (because what is an award ceremony without such gimmicks), I had already started pre-gaming the after party with Leo. Can I really be blamed for my brash remarks around our imminent return? I truly believed we would be back soon. First Roy was away in Cleveland doing [redacted], then I got that call from the FBI. They wanted my consulting expertise on some emails they needed to reanalyze. All the emails were incredibly boring. I'm not sure what the point was or who Rodham is, but I was impressed that anybody could have 33,000 emails worth reading. Anyway, if the FBI calls, you can't just tell them you have totally fleshed out and awesome plans for writing movie reviews, no matter how culturally important those plans might be. Thankfully, I was able to wrap that work up by the time Arrival came to the big screen. A fantastic sci-fi film that packed a one-two punch of high entertainment value and deeply thought provoking content. Highly recommend to anyone with interest in good film, aliens, or humans. Which I sincerely hope covers 100% of our readers.

Ok. Maybe we choked on our aspirations

Roy: So that leads us to December. Honestly, can anyone blame us for not starting things up in December? The single busiest month of the year? Give me a break. And of course my December got extra complicated. It was Christmas Eve, the wife and I had put the kids to bed and settled down to watch a Christmas Movie before retiring ourselves. We hear a noise on the roof. I go outside and see some crazy guy in a red suit fumbling around up there. I yell up to see what is going on and the guy falls off my roof. So what was I supposed to do? I put on the suit. Oddly, the reindeer seemed to know what to do. After an interesting evening I woke up in my own bed. Later that day I caught Rogue One. The expectations were high. This movie exceeded them. I was concerned how a Star Wars movie without Jedi or light sabers would work. Thankfully we didn't have to test that theory because Vader showed up and ruthlessly murdered quite a few rebels. Normally we don't root for bad guys here at the COARD, but Vader is a different story. I wish Jedi-less movies were my biggest problem these days. Right now I'm dealing with uncontrollable weight gain, white hair, and knowing every brat's name from here to Idaho. I may have a serious problem here...

I'm not crying, you're crying!
Okay, I'm crying..

Cody: It wasn't too long after that when I found out I would be working backstage at the 89th Academy Awards! Would any one of you give up the opportunity to not only attend but also help produce The Oscar's to instead write on a blog about movies? Yeah, I didn't think so. What an incredible experience that was. So many big names and so accessible. To say I was starstruck would be an understatement. To be honest, I was so busy attempting to rub elbows with A-Listers that I don't really remember handing out all those envelopes. Good thing it's an incredibly mindless task that requires little to no effort. I'm sure it was fine. Anyway, I left the awards in a complete daze. I vowed to see some of the phenomenal films that had been nominated that night. Thankfully, Lion was enjoying a second release in theaters due to its Oscar buzz. I'm not ashamed to say this movie brought tears to my eyes more than once. A wonderful and heartbreaking story. The first thing I did after walking out of the theater was text one of my new friends, Warren Beatty. I don't think he cared much for my suggestion because he said I made a fool out of him. I guess to each their own, but I think most of you would enjoy it if you haven't seen it yet.

Can someone light a match please?

Roy: So you get it. We had stuff going on, but we still caught all the great movies. Even the ones that were dropped in the Hollywood graveyard that is March and April, such as Split and Get Out. Then again, there was the movie that was supposed to make this time of year worth it. Instead Logan dropped a huge dookie on America. Listen, you might think you liked that movie. Trust me, you didn't. Granted, the violence was beautiful. The story itself was decent, and the movie was entertaining. But everything that movie meant to the already struggling X-Men universe was a giant poop sandwich. I want to move on and fill everyone in on how excited we are to be back and will promptly kick things off next week with this year's first true blockbuster. I just have a bad taste in my mouth still. And it taste's of cigar smoke, animal hair, and adamantium.


Cody: What? You mean completely undoing everything that had been done in the previous nine movies didn't sit well with you? You didn't buy the vaguely described backstory that had more holes in it than the colander in your kitchen cabinet? It was a really good movie, as long as you didn't watch any of the other ones (especially Days of Future Past) and don't think about the premise for longer than it takes Usain Bolt to run 100 meters. I can't do this. I'm going to go back to repressing the memory of seeing it and pretending that Future Past was the last movie with the first generation X-Men stars in it. Anyway, it's May! Summer Blockbuster season is upon us! Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 is here! This movie poster is literally the background of my phone, so you can expect a completely unbiased and analytical review from me next week (Read: either a fanboy freak out or dramatic wallowing over disappointment). Beyond that, we have a wide array of movies lined up for Summer of COARD Vol. 2. What? Too much of a straight rip off from Guardians? Whatever. We're back, baby!