The COARD: 47 Meters Down

This week there was nothing worthwhile to see, let alone review. We were faced with watching Michael Bay continue to only make movies that involved either radioactive turtles or alien robots that turn into cars. And yet... We could take our chances on 47 Meters Down. Didn't I just drop a deuce all over that film? You would be correct. I did just recently tell all of you that there was no chance it was going to be good. But you know what? I'm a man who can admit when I am wrong. However, this is most definitely not one of those times. Also we are all wading in spoiler infested waters here. Trust us, all we are doing is saving you 90 minutes of your life.

Roy: 47 Meters Down met my expectations, unfortunately that's not a good thing. I'm always fascinated to hear what the reaction must have been when a producer read the script as it was written. No one could have done that and thought the writing was particularly good. But they went ahead and made it anyway. It was obviously an attempt to ride the wake of last summer's superb shark offering, The Shallows. While both of these movies are about sharks eating people, The Shallows brought something to the table that 47 Meters Down never got close to. Within the first 10 minutes of The Shallows you care about Blake Lively's character. In addition to that, Jaume Collet-Serra made a beautiful movie to look at. It immediately drew you in and you found yourself invested. That never happened with 47 Meters Down. The big emotional hook for this film was centered around Mandy Moore hiding a break up from her sister. Apparently "Carlos" thought Mandy was too boring. I've got to tell you, I was proud of one person in this film, and it was the off-screen "Carlos." Dude had enough sense to not show up to this bucket of chum they called a film. Bravo Carlos, bravo.

No Research. No Sense. No Good.

Cody: I'm glad you mentioned the beauty of The Shallows. 47 Meters Down moved in exactly the opposite direction. It felt very much like they were trying to make The Shallows 2: Things Get Deeper. Tagline: "Twice the trapped women, four times the sharks, 10 times the suspense!" Anyway, the visuals felt over engineered. Director Johannes Roberts tried to create a sense of foreboding with long drawn out shots of ocean scenery from both above and below the water. Or perhaps he knew no better way to get this thing to 90 minutes. Either way, it came across more forced than foreboding. Especially because once the ladies got to 47 meters down, there isn't much you can visually do. I assume the perpetual darkness with only little ocean floaties to be seen was meant to up the terror factor. I was too busy squinting for it to work. I would be lying if I said there was never any suspense, though. Even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in a while, and the first time the useless/boring sister (Mandy Moore) ventured out into the open ocean definitely ratcheted up the suspense. However, they proceeded to repeat this same model for suspense over and over to significantly diminishing returns. By the 10th time one of the sisters had to leave the safety of the cage, I was rolling my eyes rather than holding my breath. Or did the sisters only leave the cage eight times? I'm not sure, I may have been "hallucinating" due to nitrogen narcosis.

"How do you survive?"
Hallucinate your way to the top, obviously

Roy: You know what Cody? The more I think about this movie the more I think it was one of the better shark movies I've ever seen. The suspense was real, as was the constant pit in my stomach wondering if our heroines would ever get back to their family. Every moment was more exciting than the last! It was the thrill ride of the summer! Jaws-schmaws! Spielberg wishes he got some of that 47 Meters Down action! ..... This small and completely ridiculously false scene was brought to you by nitrous narcosis, or what this movie would have you believe it is. Allow me to explain... At one point, the Not Mandy-Moore sister is obviously eaten by a shark, mostly off camera. Soon Mandy Moore decides to venture out of the cage yet again, and somehow saves her sister who apparently was attacked by a shark with Stormtrooper aim because here she is...alive. They somehow ascend quickly and survive roughly 27 circling sharks. Truthfully, this is where things were not terrible in the movie. Even I found myself tensing up slightly. They are rescued by the boat above them despite both having huge chunks of their legs in the bellies of the sharks. So when I found out this was all an elaborate dream by Mandy Moore at the bottom of the ocean due to nitrous narcosis, I laughed. Hard. Out Loud. The people around me had to wonder what I found so funny. It was supposed to be a devastating moment. It was the very definition of laughable. You think the girls are saved, and you see that Mandy is actually alone and no closer to salvation, still 47 meters below the surface. Except she's relieved because she really believes they have been saved. I researched wikipediaed nitrous narcosis. Elaborate fake worlds are not created. You feel drunk. Or high. And your vision gets cloudy. The fact that the producers couldn't be bothered to type the words "nitrous narcosis" into wikipedia's search engine, or did and decided not to care is pathetic. I have no more words. I've wasted too much time on this film as it is. Cody, you got anything clever and amusing to close us down with?

Cody: Did you notice they were communicating with the boat all that time with scuba masks on that didn't cover their ears? Another blatant flaw that could have been avoided by a single person using their brain. This was simply not good. However, it could have been a lot worse. I'm going to end this review now because there's no possible way we could write something to entertain you more than just spending a few minutes reading the titles and taglines in this list of terrible shark movies. My personal favorite is #43, a clear attempt to ride the wave of success from Sharknado, which obviously also makes the list. Avalanche Sharks tells the story of a bikini contest that turns into a horrifying affair when it is hit by a shark avalanche. Why are they having a bikini contest in a place that has snow, which is a requirement for an avalanche? Let alone how did the sharks find themselves also in an avalanche? I know how I'm spending my evening!