The COARD: The Mummy

This week we visit yet another studio's attempt to create a movie universe. Universal, through its subsidiary Dark Universe, tries its hand with The Mummy. They hitched their wagon to one Tom Cruise, the man who has oscillated between cool and washed up more than maybe any other Hollywood A-Lister before him. But what did we think about it? Dive in here to find out, but beware of the spoiler section. Ancient secrets are buried there with really obvious warnings that any normal person would heed. I'm getting ahead of myself.

Cody: So let's start with the important stuff. Tom Cruise is cool in this movie. He's not apex cool, but he's definitely leaning more to that side of the spectrum than the lame side. He's definitely playing himself playing a character who is really himself, which is exactly where we all want him to be. Jake Johnson was playing Nick Miller playing a character in one of his novels. And then there's the fear. You all know I had serious concerns walking into this thing. I'm thankful to say that I survived to walk out of the theater on the other end, but there were definitely some moments of doubt. The suspense was high at times, and, in those few moments, it was enough to inspire hands-over-face-eye-balls-peaking-through-fingers behavior. So overall, the movie was enjoyable and kept my interest throughout the entire experience. Were there some plot holes you could drive Harry Potter's Knight Bus through without needing the use of magic? Sure, there definitely was (and I'll gladly poke some holes later!), but you shouldn't be walking into this movie expecting a tightly woven story. You should be expecting entertainment. That's exactly what I got from The Mummy.

Is this so much to ask?

Roy: I was also entertained... at times. Did I hate it? No. Did I love it? No. It was right in the middle. The movie itself wasn't boring, but I wasn't wow'ed. And I desperately wanted to be wow'ed. If you read my op-ed piece last week where I was complaining about Cody gallivanting through our national sand box, then you know that all I want from Hollywood is to come along and kick me right in the nards with an unexpected, life changing movie. So maybe my view point was skewed a bit. There were definitely things I disliked about the movie. For instance, I found it difficult to care about Cruise's character, Nick Morton. Cruise played the prototypical good looking tool bag who spent most of the movie caring only about himself and ruining the lives of anyone who had the misfortune to spend any amount of time with him. Oh by the way, he's also the worst best-friend a guy could ever ask for. So when the movie wanted me to care about him not dying, all I felt was ambivalence. They definitely tried to get us to understand that deep, deep down he was really a good guy. Albeit, a good guy who was buried underneath a facade of douchebaggery of his own creation. Unfortunately, every opportunity he had to show us that good side he chose not to. So I found myself unable to relate to his character.

Cody: I'm sorry, didn't I say that Tom Cruise was playing himself in this? I'm not sure why you needed so many words to agree with me, but I'm glad we're on the same page. Still think Cruise was medium levels of cool, though. This movie is definitely exactly what Roy has been complaining about. It had all the trappings of what could be a mega blockbuster. The Cruise, large budget, special effects, etc. It just, wasn't that, and they rarely are. That's why I'm not mad about the experience. I'm resigned to our fate in this summer world. It's also what makes me so grateful when something like Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 comes along. I've given up on Hollywood blockbusters, but Roy is still holding on. So when I walked into The Mummy, I walked in expecting an Applebee's cheeseburger. Decent, filling, but not all that satisfying. Roy, the optimist, walked in expecting a wagyu steak. So I guess what I'm really getting at is; yes, Roy, it is too much to ask for a movie to kick you right in the nards these days. I'll continue to enjoy my cheeseburger as much as I can.

Roy: So movies just suck now? I'm supposed to roll over and allow Hollywood to keep pumping out mediocre film after mediocre film without shouting from the rooftops my disgust at their penchant for choosing cash over art? Besides being an optimist, I'm also a realist. I understand that my tiny voice will accomplish nothing in the grand scheme of things. Until a game changer comes along or Disney runs out of Marvel stories to tell, this is the summer season we get. I feel like Cosmo Kramer, digging in Jerry's fridge and only finding health food, "I may have to take it, but I don't have to like it." I suppose I should attempt to steer us back to The Mummy. I didn't hate everything about it. One of the bright spots came via Russel Crowe as Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. He took his short moments on screen and made the most out of them. Even if he also brought us one of the funniest parts of the movie that I will unpack more thoroughly in the spoiler section. Truthfully, everyone did a great job. This film was well acted. It was the writers who dropped the ball with this one.

Cody: It's truly a tough line to walk. I do want to hold Hollywood to a reasonable standard, but I also want to enjoy the summer season. So basically, this is me admitting that I sometimes have to drop my critic standards to allow myself to be entertained as a movie fan. I allowed myself to enjoy this one, but that does not at all mean there weren't some flaws. Roy's aforementioned dropping of the metaphorical ball by the writers needs to be addressed. With that in mind, let's get into some holes spoilers

In case you didn't notice, we are now going to talk spoilers! Turn back if you really don't want to read about the plot points of this movie that we're about to rip apart.

Cody: Alright, so it's still me. I'll get going with one of my main gripes, then I promise to let Roy be smug as well. The Mummy lady picks a dude to become her vessel for the god she wants to bring to Earth, but they get interrupted. He dies, and she is entombed. She comes back and chooses Tom Cruise to be her vessel. Who then dies. And she proceeds to raise him from the dead so that he can be the main character/future god. She also proceeds to raise a crap load of people from the dead to be her minions. Why did the chosen one have to be Cruise? Because the writers needed a reason for him to be the most important character in the movie, and they were lazy! Sigh. They just never think these things through. Roy, you want to take the next one?

Roy: Or the fact that the Mummy Queen spent the entire movie trying to plunge a magic dagger in to the heart of the Cruise so he will become possessed by her lover and they can rule the world. He obviously spends the entire movie trying to keep this from happening. So it was a good idea to imagine a creative way for him to defeat the mummy queen. Or. You know, he could just finally do what he has spent the entire movie trying not to do and plunge the dagger in his heart. Now, this would seem like an odd choice. Never fear. The Cruise has a plan. He's just going to control the raging evil he has inside of him. (Which is a new choice for The Cruise because, you know, Scientology). He kills the mummy, resurrects his dead bestie, and they go on future adventures searching the world for answers. I'm not even sure how to respond to that story arc. It speaks for itself. And it's trying to tell you that it's really quite stupid. 

Controls birds, insects, and the dead,
easily captured by men with rope guns

Cody: Well and apparently a mortal human is able to keep the wrath of a god at bay because of his zero love for a girl he shagged once only because he wanted to steal information from her? Must have been that good man buried deep inside him we kept hearing about. The Mummy's powers were entirely inconsistent across the whole movie. One minute she is calling a flock of birds (from inside a coffin, mind you!) to crash a plane in the exact location (that she somehow inherently knows) of an ancient dagger that she needs for her ritual. The next she is easily captured by mortal humans with rope guns. Then she is held captive for seemingly an extended period of time only to telepathically control a spider that climbs inside a guy's head and controls him to turn off all the defenses keeping her there. Given some of the things she does, especially considering this all started when she had regained her former power while still a skeleton inside a coffin, I don't understand how she didn't just wreak havoc over everyone the entire time. She could have stabbed Cruise in the heart far earlier in the film, he would have staved off the evil god to save his newly acquired blonde friend, and we could have wrapped this up well before the two hour mark! I guess credit to the writers for stretching this into a feature length film despite lacking the necessary content to do so?

Roy: I have one last beef to close this review down with. As much as I enjoyed Russel Crowe in this there was one glaring problem for his character. Dr. Jekyll developed a serum that barely works. I suppose it kind of works... But he has to take it like once every 90 minutes or so, and he has to give himself 6 vials at once and loads them all into this weird revolver syringe contraption that he delivers to himself through the back of his hand? Am I the only one that thinks that is a super labor intensive way of keeping the demon inside of you? And that folks, is a perfect microcosm if what was wrong with this movie. With just a little more thought and creativity this movie could have been so much more. Instead they let two 7th grade boys flesh out the major details of this movie. At least it feels like that. If you haven't seen The Mummy and you're looking for a movie to pass the time, you could do worse. You could also do way way better.