The COARD: Cody's Vacation Ruins Everything

No. We are not reviewing National Lampoon's Vacation. This is a semi-quick explanation by Roy as to why The COARD has gone dark for a couple of weeks. Basically Cody decided to nab the lovely (If-he's-not-a-complete-moron-he-will-make-her) Future Mrs. Cody and head to the west coast, and then decided to drive back through the desert. I can only assume the above picture will be an exact representation for their trip back. Have no fear, much like the Griswolds; Cody, (the aforementioned potential) Future Mrs. Cody (provided he doesn't mess this up like an idiot), and The COARD will return triumphant almost immediately. 

     While Cody's vacation is a technically accurate excuse as to why we did not review a movie this week, it could not come at a better time. If you haven't noticed, it's a wasteland out there unless you are into Pixar releasing a third installment of their weakest franchise, or what I can only assume is a sub-par shark movie that was made immediately upon learning that last summer's The Shallows was actually really good. Cody and I kept looking at the third weekend in June with a nervous eye wondering what we were going to do. We got behind on The Mummy review (still coming by the way) and this planned excursion was mighty convenient. So when you think about it, Cody's vacation allowed us to keep our dignity. That's our story anyway.  That being said, we are in no way above ripping apart a terrible movie. Sometimes life just gets in the way. 

Spielberg tames the beast

     However, I got to thinking. Yesterday was June 20th. That date is cinematically significant. It was on that day 40 years ago that Jaws was released and the country collectively lost all control of their bowels. You can read our review of that great movie here, be warned... That was our first review and we were still trying to figure out what we wanted The COARD to be. That doesn't change the fact that we both loved the movie. Come to think of it, have you ever met anyone that doesn't like Jaws? Sure, it makes some people uncomfortable and they may be nervous whilst watching, but it's a great movie. One of the best. That film helped create the summer season as a destination for excellent movies. It's the perfect time. Kids are out of school, parents like to relax, the hot sun is beating down on us. What better way to spend some quality time together as a family than sitting in a dark air conditioned room for two hours while you stuff your face with popcorn? And oh by the way, you (hopefully) are entertained for 90-120 minutes. It's one of my favorite things to do with my wife and kids.

     Except we don't get that type of movie anymore. Sure the summer blockbuster season is still here. But the movies no longer surprise us. Each summer we have anywhere from one to three superhero movies to look forward to and everything else in between is just ok. There are a few interesting things on the horizon this summer, but I keep waiting for that one movie that drops in our lap and becomes a cultural event. Unfortunately, it just doesn't happen. I love superhero movies as much as the next guy, but I never dreamed they would anchor our entire cinematic year. It's not just superhero movies. Star Wars is definitely back and the revival has been mostly excellent besides a few problems with Episode VII: A Newer Hope. It's true, The Last Jedi could go a long way towards allowing us to look past those minor problems, assuming it's great. And yet, as it turns out Star Wars isn't even immune to the pitfalls of Hollywood. The news that the untitled Han Solo origin movie is going through a drastic change in the midst of filming punched me in the face yesterday. I guess I just miss the expectation that somewhere over the four month period of May-August some movie is going to come along and and burn down everything I hold dear, but in a good way. Where is the next Jaws?

How bad can it be? Nevermind. Looks dumb. Really dumb.

     Maybe I'm holding Hollywood to too high of a standard. I'm not asking for a new Jaws type film every year. But we are at the point where we don't expect them at all anymore. Have you looked at the coming attractions for the next few months? There are some bright spots but mostly it feels less than. Underachieving. It bums me out. And yet.... Maybe this is our fault. In the age of all the fancy internets, we have movie trailers shoved in our faces constantly. In addition to seeing them over and over, they give away so much of the story now. We know what to expect going in. And if you go to a giant corporate owned theater you get, literally, 20 minutes of trailers before your movie starts. Maybe the answer is to watch less trailers and go in to films completely blind. At the very least it would be an interesting experiment. Much like any given episode of Lost or The Leftovers we have a million questions and no answers. I just wish my summer movies would go back to surprising me. There are few feelings better than walking out of a movie completely floored because you did not see that happy experience hovering below you in the water waiting to grab your leg, drag you under, and devour you. It has become a lost art in Hollywood. Who knows, maybe I just need to go watch 47 Meters Down. It might surprise me the way The Shallows did last year. So I'm an optimist. Is that such a crime?

Cody: I'm actually not on a road trip at all. I'm in LA staging a sit in at Sony Pictures until someone explains to me how Rough Night got green lit. I may never get an explanation for why the summer blockbuster is dead, but I hope to at least understand how terrible movies get made. I've got to run, a security guard is waving me over. I think this is my moment. See everyone next week!

The COARD: Wonder Woman

Of course we reviewed Wonder Woman this week. If you know us at all, you know that here at The COARD we are passionate defenders of the superior DC superheros. Oh, you want to argue that point? I'll give you all of the Avengers AND the Defenders and I'll take the Justice League thank-you-very-much. Stop kidding yourself. You're losing that fight. This review will go a long way to proving that point. Spoilers follow. However we promise to not spring them on you. And I can't lie. I'm currently tied to my chair with the Lasso of Truth.

Roy: The world has been eagerly waiting on Wonder Woman for aabout a year now. The teaser trailer debuted at Comic-Con 2016. It was widely praised. Mainly because it looked cool, and received a significant amount of help from the catchy Wonder Woman theme. You shouldn't be surprised to find out it was written by Hans Zimmer. Of course it was... The COARD is currently investigating claims that he sold his soul to the devil for the ability to write amazing music. When we know something, you will too... Moving on. Because the teaser trailer had been around for so long I began to wonder if it could live up to the hype. After all, Disney's campaign to destroy anything DC has been wildly successful so far. Why would Wonder Woman be any different? Let's start with how perfect Gal Gadot is in this role. I'm not sure who the casting director was that chose her. But it might have something to do with her history as Miss Israel 2004, a martial artist, and freaking former soldier in the IDF. Yes, Israel has a whole conscription thing going on but that doesn't make it any less impressive. Let's add to this list that she did her own stunts in the Fast and Furious franchise and she filmed a decent portion of Wonder Woman while pregnant. Guys..... Is she like, actually Wonder Woman? Because all the evidence seems to point that way. Beyond all of that, she's a good actress. Gadot made it look easy, which is often the mark of a person who is great at their job. Ok, admittedly I'm gushing. I should just hand off to Cody and maybe we can reset a little.

Cody: Gal Gadot is Wonder Woman. I refuse to believe otherwise. Can't. Won't. I fully expected to love this movie going in, so I guess grain of salt and so forth. That being said, I was still surprised by Gadot. She owned the role so fully. The only other actor to role fit in the superhero universe that compares is Robert Downy Jr. playing himself Tony Stark. I think it's high time for some gloating. DC is here, people. The Hans Zimmer theme actually goes back to Dawn of Justice. Something I fully expect to recur in Justice League later this year, and beyond. To be fair, the Avengers have their own equally awesome theme, but that's my point. It's okay to recognize the success of both franchises. There's room in this single universe for multiple multiverses. Wait. This is getting confusing. Where were we? Oh, right. The DC universe is finally blooming. This movie was obviously great by itself, but it was purposefully made to tie directly to the world of the Justice League. There are a lot of people using this movie as an opportunity to gleefully throw more mud at existing and future DC films. If you like superhero movies and you liked this movie, then you should be excited for the future of DC. After all, the immediate future promises to feature Gal Gadot. Wonder Woman. WonderGal DotWoman?

Wonder Woman has had some help

Roy: Patty Jenkins deserves a lot of credit for making a movie that was visually stunning. And I'm not just talking about Wonder Gal, although she is definitely included in that. This film had three distinct and separate feels to it. The Amazonian island, early 20th century London/WWI, and finally the setting for the final battle. Each setting was filmed in a way that highlighted the story and was fun to look at. The final setting for the boss battle that comes at the end of every super hero movie was especially well done. On a more frustrating note, it should be mentioned that the world is collectively losing their minds over Wonder Woman. While this movie definitely deserves the credit for its excellence, that same credit is hoisting an unfair burden upon its shoulders. Read any article on this movie, and you will be told that Wonder Woman is "saving the DC universe," and they are "finally getting it right." Don't you believe any of that. It's true, Wonder Woman grossed $103 million in its opening weekend, but it failed to beat out the $116 million opening that Man of Steel had, or the $166 million opening that Dawn of Justice had. So as much as critics Disney likes to complain that the DC extended universe is sub-par and has been rescued by the female combo of Gadot and Jenkins, it's just not true. Those two ladies proved to be a powerhouse that can hold their own with any superhero movie out there, and should be praised for their success. However, that success does not mean that Zack Snyder failed in creating the universe in which Wonder Woman resides. And if we could all stop acting like this film is a diamond found in a pile of poop, I would really appreciate it.

I want to go to there

Cody: Cinematography has to be the very best part of today's superhero films. There's just so much opportunity to create beautiful settings juxtaposed with epic action scenes. Love it. I actually already booked my ticket to Themyscira. I'm told I just have to crash land in the Mediterranean Sea, and I'll be there. Sounds easy enough. It is heartening to see a female led and female directed action flick achieving the commercial success it deserves. It's a big deal. I don't see any Marvel movies able to make that same claim; just saying. Have we made it clear we like the DC universe? Fine, we'll let the dead horse be. We know all about Wonder Woman's friends in the Justice League, but she also had some key friends in her own movie as well. Captain James Tiberius Kirk...would have been a way cooler name than Steve Trevor. Regardless, Chris Pine was at his usual level of awesome. The rest of the gang was a bit odd and unexpected, to say the least. A hodgepodge of guys who have been in some things, but are far from household names. Gadot and Pine are so strong, both in their performances and their growing career cachet, that it didn't matter who else was around them. I loved every minute of their shared screen time.

Now we come to the point where we will discuss in detail what happened in this excellent movie that is only slightly more excellent than the first two movies in the DC Extended Universe and you can't make us believe otherwise. 

Roy: Despite all of the goodness that surrounds Wonder Woman, I did have a "Wait.... huh?" moment. Robin Wright plays Antiope, Diana's aunt and the fiercest warrior of the Amazons. My brain was wondering how I was supposed to buy The Princess/Jenny/Claire Underwood in this new role. I just didn't expect it. That's not to say that Wright wasn't a good choice and stunk up the screen, because she didn't. Let's be totally honest with one another, she has never been the problem in a movie. In fact, she only enhances whatever you're watching with her in it. Wonder Woman is no exception. Something surprised me about this casting. She was this revered general of the Amazon army, and I've never seen her do anything like that before. She once again proved that it didn't matter. Wright can pretty much do whatever she wants. I should probably never doubt someone who displayed the ability to co-exist with Sean Penn for any real amount of time. On the other hand, the "fiercest warrior" of the Amazons died in the first 20 minutes of the movie. So how good could she really have been? Kirk wasn't fast enough to save her. He was busy saving Wonder Gal's life, which he can't be blamed for. It wasn't Antiope who pulled him out of the ocean and was giving him the bedroom eyes almost immediately. While we are not blaming people.... Wonder Gal should also not be blamed for the said bedroom eyes giving. Cody has been giving Kirk the bedroom eyes for a few years now.

Cody: Okay, first of all, you haven't been giving Kirk bedroom eyes? You literally created the Coolest Person in the History of All Things Ever award just to give to him. Granted, I enthusiastically agreed with you, but that's beside the point. Everyone loves Kirk, and everyone should! I too was surprised to see Robin Wright in this. It's difficult not to see her as Claire Underwood right now, but yea, we didn't need to adjust for very long. She gone. I really liked that this was set in the 1910s, The women's suffrage movement hadn't even succeeded yet! Juxtaposing the warrior princess against this more misogynistic time period allowed for a lot of effortless "Girl Power!" moments. Diana walking right into the all male strategy meeting for WWI. Diana yelling at a general for disregarding the loss of innocent lives from the safety of his office. Wonder Woman breaking a year long stalemate somewhere on the front lines by just bulldozing through German troops with dumbfounded male soldiers following her lead. Not only is she a freaking sweet super hero, but she is also a great woman. Jenkins clearly wanted to make exactly that point, and she did so exceptionally well.

The epitome of the every man's body

Roy: Speaking of Jenkins, I really enjoyed how well she kept the bad guy reveal under wraps until the exact moment that she wanted you to know who Ares truly was. There was no telegraphing moments that amounted to the bad guy all but winking at the camera and twisting his mustache. From the moment that Diana figured out who Ludendorff was, it was obvious to me that he was not the main bad guy. He had lackey written all over him. With this film being heavy on the girl power I expected Dr. Maru, the biochemical creating madwoman to end up as the top villain. Learning that the always excellent David Thewlis was handed that role surprised me. He spent the majority of the movie being helpful and supportive, yet not overly so. Thewlis gets some of the credit for playing the character so well. Which is not surprising because when hasn't he been brilliant? Unfortunately, he was also central to the only truly laughable moment of the movie. Once he transformed to Ares, the god of war, he had a body that one would associate with a Greek god. Jenkins went with talent over physiology. It was the right move. It was still funny to see him jacked. 

Cody: I really did not expect him to end up being the main villain. I had started to wonder if Ares was just not going to appear in the movie despite the clear foreshadowing from the Amazons earlier. I was impressed by that as well. I was also impressed by the central theme of believing in humanity. Not since The Dark Knight has a superhero movie so perfectly nailed the relationship between heroes and humanity. In order to keep doing their job, they have to believe in us as much as we believe in them. In the climactic moment of Wonder Woman, she is ready to walk away from humanity for good. She finds a reason to believe and fight despite the fact that humanity doesn't deserve her (what could be that reason? Oh, I don't know. Maybe her love of Captain Kirk!!). The final battle was great, but it was made so much better after watching her debate walking away from it all. Completing the Justice League connection, Bruce reminds her of how she once believed in humanity, by well, reminding her of her lost love. We all love Wonder Woman. We all love Batman. Superman is...dead? Let's get ready for Justice League!

The COARD: Baywatch

The COARD goes swimming. Sometimes you have to get on that board and try to ride the big one, but sometimes the waves send you flying. You attempt to build an elaborate sand castle, but the rising tide comes in and sweeps it away. You try to resurrect a cheesy 80s TV franchise, and...

Cody: Well, it wasn't horrible. But was it any good? It's really tough to say. This movie left me internally befuddled. I laughed hard. More than once! I also rolled my eyes, mock vomited, and faked sleep. It feels like I should say this movie was mediocre, and that's probably the best way to describe it. Although, I want it to be clear that this movie was never mediocre in any one single moment. If you pull a random three minute clip of this film, it's either going to be pretty freaking funny or borderline painful to watch, with very little in between. That just doesn't happen often! And nobody was immune! Overall, the cast did a competent job holding up the movie as far as they could, but still. Dwayne Johnson displayed his usual charm but had some stinker moments and lines. Efron was up and down. Daddario was mostly solid, but I'm not prepared to rave about her either. The best moments definitely included Johnson and Efron sharing the screen, and I feel satisfied with my expectations for the two of them going in. There's just so many other things that torpedoed expectations that I'm left with that befuddlement. Maybe Roy has more clarity.

Roy: This is our fourth movie review this summer. Maybe you're tired of Cody and I agreeing over everything. Well it's not our fault we're right! I blame Seth Gordon for making a movie with an outrageous premise and only passing moments of good comedy. At times, Baywatch knew exactly what it was. A show about lifeguards pretending to be police. Which is even more ridiculous if you say that out loud. Because they were, at times aware of this fact, they made fun of themselves and the original show. These were some of the better moments. However, this film fell prey to the same problem that the original show did. The story would progress and they took themselves a little too seriously... Ok, way too seriously. Which was odd because it was clear they did not set out with that intent. Unfortunately the deeper in the story we got, the worse this movie became. Baywatch was at its best in the light moments, unfortunately when it tried to get real it fell flat on its face. The saving grace was how well it was cast. Namely the two leads. That's not to say the supporting cast drowned in failure. On the contrary they showed up to work and got the job done, even if none of them shined. If this movie did not have the star power of Johnson and Efron as the driving force, it would have been an unmitigated disaster.

Pretty actor,
looking to be taken seriously

Cody: I agree with Roy that our agreement is because of our superior ability to review films. Agree agree agree. Anyway, I really want Efron to be better than he is. He hasn't done anything legitimately good since the first Neighbors. We Are Your Friends was obviously a disaster, Dirty Grandpa was almost decent, and Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates was mostly painful. I just...I just want my boy Efron to be considered a success. At the very least a solid lead in funny films. He's more than just a pretty face! I swear! Dwayne Johnson is in every movie, so he can afford a less than epic outing like this. Sigh. He's got a movie coming out this Christmas where he stars alongside Hugh Jackman called The Greatest Showman. No trailer yet, but I am tentatively hopeful for this one. Are you with me, Roy? Eh?

Roy: Well Cody, the good news is your boy Zac has accepted the litmus test that will prove once and for all if he's got the chops to make it, or if he's destined to be just another pretty face. He is going to star in Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile which is the story of one Ted Bundy. If Efron transforms himself into arguably the worst serial killer in our country's history than he will definitely be viewed differently. Only time will tell. Also, I know what everyone is thinking, and I resent the implication that we are occupying our time with Zac Efron filler because we chose to review a sub-par movie. This is an important issue! Who would have thought that the kid from High School Musical would get this far? Not us, and certainly none of you. You want me to sum up Baywatch for you in one sentence? It was a movie that was at times painful in its execution, while managing to be legitimately funny in small moments. There. That's the movie. If you do not handle adult humor and male nudity well, you definitely should not go see this movie. If you are bored and have nothing going on..... you definitely have better options available to you. I'm not saying don't waste your time, but you will definitely feel like you mostly wasted 120 minutes when you are through.

We will now discuss the key plot points, or lack thereof, for this movie. If you would prefer to avoid spoilers, this is your exit point.

Cody: Okay, so let's stay on Efron for a minute. His character was directly based on Ryan Lochte, right? The writers either did this on purpose or they did it on accident, but nobody can convince me it isn't the case. The worst parts of the movie that included Efron were centered around his arrogant but insecure Olympic swimmer profile. Although, it was still better than What Would Ryan Lochte Do?. The fun flip side of this was Johnson refusing to ever call Efron's character by his real name, peaking when Johnson straight up called him, "High School Musical." I would like to know how many of those lines were improvised, because my guess is it was a lot of them. Basically, Dwayne Johnson is the best.

Zac is wondering the same thing as the rest of us

Roy: If there was one Olympic swimmer that we all had to bet on staying up late the night before the relay and losing it for his team by vomiting in the pool, we would all choose Ryan Lochte. But that story line didn't bother me too badly. Efron did a great job with what he was given. There were a few things that really bothered me. Mainly, the chubby dork in the movie. I haven't seen him in anything else, and I won't bother learning his name because I'd rather forget him all together. This is a trope that is familiar to many movies. The dork longs to run with the cool kids, and for some unexplained reason they let him in. This was fine, we've all seen it before. Baywatch didn't add anything new to that particular story line. In addition, the guy acts like a pathetic moron in front of the woman he is in love with and has zero redeeming qualities when it comes to wooing his muse. We all have come to expect that he will get the hard friend zone from the hot girl he's slobbering over, right? Wrong. Inexplicably, they end up together. It would almost be believable if the two actors had any chemistry with one another. Sadly, they did not. Can someone have negative chemistry? Because they did. It was negative amounts of chemistry between the lovely Kelly Rohrbach and "the guy with the most underwhelming IMDB filmography ever." Some of the most painful on screen moments came courtesy of these two.

Cody: They literally had negative chemistry. I found myself frequently wondering if the material was more to blame or the actors. It was a legitimately tough debate. Both were quite bad. There was only one pairing in the movie that was worse than those two. Priyanka Chopra and anybody. Particularly when she was doing solo duty as the villain. The scenes with Oscar from The Office felt like they should be tense, but were so far from it that I wondered if they were supposed to be funny. They weren't funny either. I still have no clue if she was a villain that was supposed to be taken seriously (not even close) or was meant to be a funny cliche of action movie villains (closer, but still missing the mark). There's a central theme here. I did far too much thinking in this movie. I walk into a summer blockbuster starring the likes of Efron and Johnson, and I want to clear my mind and laugh at some mindless entertainment for two hours. I laughed enough to not be angry about the whole experience, but I thought, debated, and questioned far more. Viewers shouldn't have to decide if you're trying to be serious or funny. It should just organically occur. The body of evidence suggests Baywatch was ultimately more bad than it was good.

Roy: I've trashed this movie enough, let's quickly talk about the bright spots. Almost everything Dwayne Johnson did worked. He was funny when it was called for, and he was believable as the over-achiever who saves everyone. Unfortunately, he also gave us maybe the worst moment of the entire movie. As Chopra is making her escape he delivers his "action hero killing the bad guy clever quip." Except it was terrible. and made no sense. In the pivotal moment in the movie he kills her with an industrial firework (you read that correctly) and says, "I'm oceanic ________!" That blank spot is reserved for the MF-Bomb that he dropped to give the poorly written line some depth maybe? I'm not sure because as bad as it reads now, experiencing it live was worse. I'm irritated with this movie, it could have been so much more. Wait. I said I would talk about the bright spots, didn't I? Yikes. Well. Sometimes you kill the bad guy girl with an over-sized roman candle, and sometimes you vomit in the pool. I think we all know which route Baywatch took.

The COARD: Alien: Covenant

Week 3 brings us into the depths of our collective greatest fear. Namely, being killed in the most painful and gruesome way possible as a terrifying monster eats you alive. Or makes you a brief incubator for its disgusting spawn and you die a very painful death by being eaten alive, but from the inside as the creature creates an exit through your chest cavity. Either way, I don't see a long line of people signing up for such a fate. There is a long line, however, of people willing to see this movie. The COARD is definitely on that list. Details of this movie will be discussed. If that bothers you, stop at the appropriate point. But you'll be missing out. All the good stuff will be unraveled in the spoiler section. Good luck and God speed.

The Xenomorph in all of its pants ruining glory

Roy: You should all know something about me. I love the Alien franchise. Which is odd because I was kept from it most of my life. If you ask my father, he will tell you about the time he went to see Ridley Scott's 1979 original, Alien, with his sister and he vowed he would never watch that or any sequel ever again. He can't be blamed. I just re-watched the original last night and if you saw it in 1979, leaving the theater with a clean pair of shorts would have been nothing short of a miracle. If this sounds familiar it's because Cody and I have covered this ground before. Alien: Covenant is one of the prequels to the four movies that make up the Alien franchise. I say one of the prequels because Ridley Scott has big plans. As previously stated I'm biased when it comes to these films. So it shouldn't surprise you to find out that I loved it. There was so much to enjoy about this movie. Ridley Scott is one of my favorites and is on the short list of directors that I will see anything they do. From Blade Runner to Gladiator to The Martian, he has easily made some of the most enjoyable movies that I can think of. He poured all of his considerable talents into Alien: Covenant and has come out on the other side with a beautiful film. The best word I can use to describe this movie is "unsettling." Scott had every intention of making us squirm for the two hours he held us captive. Not just from the Xenomorph that finally gets some screen time after the brilliant foundational tease that was Prometheus, but from the rest of the cast as well. This film makes you uncomfortable. It's in every facet of the picture; the setting, the cast, the story, the horrors that you uncover. It could be argued that the scariest moments of this movie occur when the Xenomorph is off screen. For this Scott shares credit with the amazing Michael Fassbender, who........ I suppose I should let Cody talk now. But only if he promises not to hate all over this movie by pooping in my ice cream.

Cody: I can't imagine a world in which one poops in the ice cream of a passionate Ridley Scott monologue. I'm not as high on this movie as Roy, but there's no possibility of pretending to take a contradictory tone. I may not be a fanboy, but I'm also not an idiot. The movie was good. There's no denying it. Ridley Scott's range of viewer delight goes from "that was decent" to "holy @#$% ." This lands squarely in the middle of those two poles. What takes it from decent to truly good is the seemingly always improving Michael Fassbender. The rest of the cast could have been played by Jeff Dunham's puppets and Fassbender would have carried them into something resembling a good movie. I didn't even know who this guy was until he played Magneto in X-Men: First Class. That was only six years ago. Two years prior he was allowed to flash his serious chops while playing Lt. Archie Hicox in Inglorious Basterds, but the name recognition didn't occur for me until Magneto, because duh, you don't forget Magneto. Before that, his only role in a film that I've really heard of was like the seventh most important character in 300. After First Class, he's starred in at least one major film every year, but I really don't understand what took so long. He is killing it and has quickly ascended to a firm spot on the list of actors who I would go to the theater to see in anything. That's not a long list of people, because these coveted spots are not for life. A series of bad choices might land you in the "only if I hear good things" zone *cough Will Smith cough*, But Fassbender? He was amazing in Alien: Covenant, and you better believe I'll be seeing The Snowman in the fall. I'm going to see a movie that includes the phrase, "ominous-looking snowman" in its story description. That's when you know an actor has ensnared my attention.

Roy: I'm already all in on The Snowman by the way. Cody and I may have been the only two men in the world who both went to and enjoyed The Light Between Oceans. The real life couple of Fassbender and Vikander produced a gut wrenching film that was a beautiful thing to behold. As good as she was in that, Fassbender matched her intensity the entire time. So it is no surprise that he continues to astonish us with his talent. He reprises his role as the android David and does so to chilling effect. While watching him it's easy to forget that he's a real person in front of a camera and instead become transfixed by his performance as an android. It's in the way he moves, the way he speaks. Ridley Scott sets the tone in this film with a heavy dose of dread. Things begin to go wrong immediately, which isn't a spoiler unless you've literally never seen any of these movies. If that's the case, you're not starting with Covenant. Beyond the dread that bubbles up from the story, it's how he films this movie. He gives the actors room to convey and carry the emotion of the film. He doesn't try to make the scenery a character, everything in this film points to the actors. The fact that it was cast so well adds to the strength of the movie. Billy Crudup can always bring home an excellent performance and Katherine Waterston shines in a role where she has no magic wand this time to help her out of sticky situations. Even Danny McBride shows up and does well. Which was a little surprising. I don't think I'm alone in finding it difficult to take him seriously any time I see him. He has crafted quite the career playing the buffoon and typically does that really well. In Covenant, he shows that he too has some range. It was a nice change of pace.

Danny McBride in Pineapple Express,
one of his many interchangeable roles

Cody: Danny McBride was my biggest concern coming into this, actually. There are few actors who I would be less likely to take seriously. He was used exactly the right way in Covenant, though. Yes, he was serious, but he also wore a cowboy hat, sang Take Me Home, Country Roads by John Denver, and provided other moments of minor comic relief. I say minor because, well, people were frequently being eaten. It's more of a nervous chuckle than a full belly laugh, but even a forced chuckle is a welcome reprieve from the constant sense of foreboding that surrounds this movie. So in a roundabout way, I suppose I'm happy Kenny Powers joined the crew for this one. Is everyone else ready to discuss the gruesome ways in which some characters met their untimely end? Strap up, people.

Spoilers will now commence. Turn away if you have a weak stomach or plan on seeing this movie and just haven't gotten around to it yet. You want to go into this one fresh and wondering what the crap is going on. 

Roy: I apologize if you've already grown tired of the Fassbender love. It's not going to slow down here... When Prometheus ended I wasn't sure what to think of David the android. Yes, he poisoned Dr. Holloway and was largely at fault for everything in that movie going to hell in a hand-basket. However, it was unclear if he was following orders from his sinister boss Peter Weyland who was willing to trade anything for extended life. When an Engineer brained Weyland and David was free of that entanglement would he show a gentler side? We just didn't know. Even if you did not trust David at the end of Prometheus, there was no way to know what was coming from this character in Covenant. David was obsessed with creation. To find out that he tinkered with the Xenovirus (black goo) until he created the perfection that is the Xenomorph blew my mind. It wasn't just finding out that David was the creator as opposed to the Engineers. It was the horrors that he was willing to commit in order to reach his goal. After the events of Prometheus unfolded, Dr. Shaw took care of David, re-installed his head and trusted him. In one of the more gruesome moments of the film, we are shown how she is repaid for such kindness. Used as an experiment for David to perfect his horrible creation. The Alien franchise is no stranger to human villains. The Weyland corporation has always been more interested in studying the Xenomorph than stopping it. But for the first time in six films the largest monster on the screen was not the nightmare inducing Xenomorph. It was something far more terrifying. An andriod. One designed to be attractive and as close to human as possible. It was obvious from the opening scene of the film that from his moment of creation David was aware of what he was. In addition to his self-awareness David believed he was better than his creator. That opening scene was excellent foreshadowing for later when David revealed himself to be the worst sentient being in the entire universe.... Like, all of it. The whole thing.

Cody: Well somebody has a lot of free time on their hands. The sum of all my knowledge of Alien backstories: Sigourney Weaver. So when I saw Michael Fassbender in the opening scene of Covenant, I grabbed another handful of popcorn and thought, "huh, guess I forgot he played an android in Prometheus." Roy's over here diving into subplots of subplots with a fervor usually reserved for only the craziest Game of Thrones enthusiasts. Clearly, I wasn't waiting with bated breath to see what would become of the original Fassbender android. I was mostly just excited for the one actor, two characters, and the same screen shtick that I have never failed to be impressed by since first seeing it in something like 1997. I have to agree with Roy on one thing, though, Evil Fassbender (aka David) was the scariest part of this movie. The cool, calculated way in which he committed such horrible deeds was what made it particularly unnerving. He also provided us with an absolute gem in the classic horror cliche: the "NO, don't go there." routine. When he lured Billy Crudup into the alien nest, I'm pretty sure I heard someone in my theater say, "don't look inside the egg, you idiot." Okay, fine. Maybe by "someone" I mean me. And by "say" I mean yelled at the screen. Whatever, you weren't there. It was scary. I didn't want a Xenobaby to suction cup the captain's face. Freaking Evil Fassbender. What a jerk.

The final moments of an idiot

Roy: The last scene I have to mention is when Fassbender had double duty and was playing the same model of two different androids. One good, one evil. Walter was the android on the Covenant. An upgraded model who was less human because the David model was found to be unsettling for those he was around, which isn't surprising if you've been following along. David instantly found a brother he believed would stand with him. In a scene with a homemade flute, David showed Walter how he cold learn to create. It was super seductive and playing on the edges of homoeroticism without ever landing squarely in that territory. It was a perfect scene that just added to the giant unnerving sandwich that was this entire movie. We have two more films in this series before we find out how the Engineer ship crash landed on LV-426 that sent poor Ellen Ripley down her terrifyingly dark path. So it wasn't a surprise that David ended up winning as the film closed. Which just added to my excitement for the next installment.

Cody: I can't even blame you for closing with another Fassbender reference. It's what we all wanted. I could touch on some of the more predictable aspects of the film, such as David successfully swapping places with Walter, but it's a horror film. It being predictable was, well, predictable. I'm going to leave you all with something a bit more...unexpected. Sorry, I had to. James Franco. I've heard of actors being in everything (See: Jackson, Samuel L.). I've never seen anything like James Franco. He has seventeen credits in 2017, following up ten from 2016. I don't understand how it even happens. Is he on speed dial for every producer in Hollywood? Or is he calling each Hollywood producer every other day to see if they could use a cameo from a well known face? How many producers have blocked Franco's number after hundreds of pleading calls? I don't ask for much; I just want to ask Franco why he is so willing to take his time to appear in so many roles. It's really a shame his character died. He could have been in thirty seconds of the next installment, then I might be just as excited as Roy.

The COARD: King Arthur: Legend of the Sword

The COARD kicks into gear with our second film on this summer's slate. King Arthur, one of the oldest legends in existence, gets another Hollywood reboot. Led by Charlie Hunnam and directed by Guy Ritchie, this film goes back to the beginning to tell its own version of Arthur's rise to kingship. We shall start with the non-spoilery parts of the film and give you ample warning before entering into the Darklands, aka spoilers.

Cody: Now this, this is what summer blockbusters are all about. Two hours of pure adrenaline and action! I give this a firm B-. It was not close to perfect, but it did just enough good things to stay respectable. I don't believe I'm straying too close to spoilers to say this film kicked off with a fantastic action sequence paired with a thrilling opening score. It's time to admit something. We totally blew it on haikus this week. One could argue that it's entirely my fault, but this is a partnership. Where I am at fault, Roy is at fault. Anyway, had we written the haikus, I would have painted a picture of strong apprehension. I went into this expecting it to be either bad or really bad. The first few minutes proved I had been worried for nothing. Guy Ritchie kept the pace up from minute one, and I was just along for the ride. Sometimes movies in this mold can lull and get bogged down in trying to build a story. One of the best compliments I can pay King Arthur: Legend of the Sword is that it did not feel like two hours. Time just breezed right by as I enjoyed one action packed scene after another. The only thing in between the action was solid banter between key characters. I'm surprised, but pleased, to say I enjoyed this one.

"I wonder how long it will take me to respect myself again?" 

Roy: Yeeeeahh... The haikus. This was totally my week to get the ball rolling and it never materialized. My haiku was going to paint a clever picture how there was no way this would live up to Monty Python's version of Arthur Pendragon. From the trailer it looked like this story wasn't going to stay too close to the famous legend. Which isn't a surprise. We have had three modern day re-tellings of this tale and all three had significant problems. Let's begin with Excalibur. If you've seen it I don't have to remind you that it definitely took some early 80s liberties. Then we have First Knight where Richard Gere plays a long haired Sir Lancelot. I think that proves my point. Lastly, we have the Clive Owen and Keira Knightly's laughable attempt in King Arthur. The largest shared problem with the last two attempts at this story is magic was left out of them entirely. How can you tell the tale of King Arthur and just ignore the magical foundation? Guy Ritchie did not make this mistake. That being said, if you go to Arthur expecting a carefully crafted re-telling, you will be completely disappointed. Ritchie took the foundation of this story and re-imagined it, with all of the devices that one would expect from a Ritchie movie. It totally worked. The dialogue was snappy, it was well cast and acted, and most importantly the story was interesting. I kept expecting it to be predictable. These sorcery and sword tales follow a familiar formula. However King Arthur kept making unexpected left hand turns. Just when I thought I knew what plot device was coming next, the story moved forward in an unexpected way. It was refreshing. You will hear many negative things about this movie. Words like "flop" and any other adjective that explains how much money this film lost. It may even be tied to that three syllable word Hollywood won't even utter at night when it's alone.... Waterworld. But I never understood Hollywood's aversion to that film either. Don't get me wrong, it had its problems, much like King Arthur does. But neither film deserved the shellacking it got or is in the process of getting now.

Cody: We here at The COARD are certainly capable of our fair share of pretentiousness; however, we're also not afraid to have fun. That's the problem with most critics, they're afraid to have a little fun. Well that, and that they're all sheep. Once one has decided a movie is trash, they all fall in line. Don't succumb to their high brow opinions. As Roy stated, this is clearly the best of the King Arthur movies over the last three plus decades. Guy Ritchie does deserve most of the credit for making this an enjoyable ride, but my favorite part of the whole thing was the score. I already stated that it sucked me in immediately, and it did not let up from there. It does follow some cliche action/adventure themes (e.g. heavy drumming). I'm willing to look past that if you can pull me in with other unique additions. Daniel Pemberton has 115 IMDb composer credits, and I've somehow seen exactly zero. The vast majority are TV shorts and documentaries, but still. This guy is on my radar now. I really hope this movie ends up breaking even/making a little money. It doesn't deserve to be a complete flop (unlike that eye roll worthy film that Roy so recklessly brought up). I liked it enough that I would even give it a second watch on Blu-ray one day. I'm not sure why our opinions have to be so much better than everyone else in the cinema world. They just are. It's a heavy burden we carry, Roy. A heavy burden.

Roy: You Cody Potter, are a smug, little man. Fine.... You've successfully baited me. Let's talk flops. First of all, Waterworld definitely deserved better than you rolling your eyes at it. It's biggest mistake? Being 10 years or more ahead of its time. If that movie was released today it would have gotten such a big pass for its environmental message even though it never really had one to begin with. However, it would be viewed as an "important film" because of the polar ice caps completely melting. And here is the secret no one likes to talk about. Waterworld made money. You heard me correctly. It did pretty well overseas and ended up 29 million in the black. Kevin Costner's next foray into the post-apocalyptic world did not go so well. If we adjust for inflation The Postman lost 104 million dollars. But guess what? I like that one too. It has an interesting premise and it's Costner. It also didn't deserve its bad reputation. If we begin going down the list of biggest flops of all time we see a miraid of movies that should have never been made. Let's play a quick game. I always wonder how movies like the ones on the following list get out of the pitch meeting. I am going to give the tag line that I like to imagine closed the deal.

John Carter - "It's Tim Riggins fighting Martians! Mars Forever!"
Jupiter Ascending - "It'll be great! We're going to give Channing Tatum elf ears and cool space roller blades!"
The Adventures of Pluto Nash - "It's Eddie Murphy! How big of a miss can it be?"
The Lone Ranger - "Think Captain Jack Sparrow. But Native American Captain Jack Sparrow. Also he makes clicking noises to his horse."
47 Ronin - "Keanue Reeves as a white Samurai. It worked for Tom Cruise?"

Here is my point. King Arthur absolutely does not deserve to be listed next to these movies. Cody was right. It was fun.

And with that, we enter the badlands. The place where all young knights must go to forget who they were and become who they were born to be. Or something like that. The scene was pretty rushed, okay. Anyway, spoilers!

This would have been way cooler if the lion was building sized

Cody: I have a confession. I totally would have signed off on Tim Riggins fighting Martians if I was a studio executive. We all have our blind spots. A lot of little moments in King Arthur stood out to me, more than any big spoilerific themes. I've said a lot of good things about this movie, now it's time to bring up something that I didn't like. It brings me great pleasure to welcome the return of deus ex animal! For those of you paying attention, Tarzan last summer was rife with deus ex animal moments, so much so that it ruined the whole thing for me. Thankfully, King Arthur didn't overdo it, but it couldn't get by without one such moment. Blue was captured, Arthur has to turn himself over to Vortigern, and hope is no where to be found. Enter a 50 foot mage controlled viper! Honestly, deus ex machina, or my so cleverly named deus ex animal, happens all the time in movies like this, so while I rolled my eyes, I'm not holding it too seriously against it. I'm just happy it was an insanely large animal that did it. Good show, I say!

Roy: Apparently no one is allowed to have a carefully crafted plan involving animals without Cody crying deus ex animal. Has anyone seen Cody ever play fetch with his dog? Let me answer that for you. No. Because he spends most of his time scolding his dog for catching and returning the frisbee because the frisbee is unable to find its own way back to his hand. Look, I could go over the disappointing aspects of this movie. Because there were moments were things felt unnecessary or could have been explained more thoroughly. But the good moments out shined the bad. And this movie is getting enough bad press without us piling on. One aspect I liked in particular was Charlie Hunnam's portrayal of King Arthur. If there is one thing we know Hunnam can do, it's wrestle with a destiny that he feels burdened by. He did this to great effect in the seven season of Sons of Anarchy. However it wasn't just Arthur's struggle to accept his future that I enjoyed. After Arthur defeats uncle Vortigern and has been declared King of the Britons, he can be found sitting at a table with his boys. He's not on a throne or a dais. He's at a table. Some of his boys are sitting on said table, some have their feet up. It was a small touch that I enjoyed very much. It tells us that Arthur is not changing who he is. At his core he's a man who just wants to enjoy life with those closest to him. There's no reason being a king should get in the way of that.

Cody: Until a giant crocodile shows up and eats them all! I'm just assuming... What we really learned is that it is always good to have the mage on your side. And a weird underwater lady ghost who forces you to fulfill your destiny after you throw your magical sword away like a little pansy. But mostly the mage helped. Charlie Hunnam really did make the movie, though. So much so that I might even consider one day trying Sons of Anarchy, which would make Roy's head explode. Of course I would rather just see him in King Arthur 2: Legend of the Crocodile Who Ate the Round Table, but you take what you can get.

King Arthur or Jax Teller? Both. The answer is both.

Roy: I've made a few mistakes in my life that continue to haunt me. I'm no different than any other man I suppose. One of these mistakes was initially over selling Sons of Anarchy to Cody. He was already borderline turned off because he hates motorcycles. And fun. Eventually this game has become a staring contest that Cody is having with himself. He likes good TV. And he acknowledges that he has a Sons of Anarchy gap. Charlie Hunnam can help our cause by continuing to perform well in the good roles he's getting. Eventually Cody will crack. Unfortunately, Hollywood probably won't. So don't expect a sequel to King Arthur: Legend of the Sword. Which is more of a bummer than any number of Sons of Anarchy spoilers I could throw out there but won't. I refuse to help Cody win his staring contest.

The COARD: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

In case you're just joining us we'll give you a refresher. We aren't going to spoil this movie for you. Um... that's not actually true. We will totally spoil this for you, however we promise to give you plenty of warning before we burst forth with childlike glee discussing the plot points of the 2 hours and 13 minutes of pure delight that is masquerading as a movie within the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Roy: Speaking for Cody, I will admit there are times we see a movie and walk out feeling nervous because we have committed to writing about it and there's not much to say. Sometimes movies just suck. It doesn't matter if the movie has Forrest Gump, Hermione Granger, FN-2187, and the late great Bill Paxton dancing in front of us. Even the best actors must have a well written story as a solid foundation. The real question here is; would Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 join hands with The Circle and hang its head in shame? Or would it do the impossible and exceed the incredibly high expectations thrust upon it by its overachieving first volume? I'm going to answer said question by saying that Guardians should be the new standard all tent-pole movies aspire to be. It isn't merely that the cast seemed to bathe in liquid chemistry every day. It's that, added to a superbly written story; one which delivered constant laughs, as well as multiple heart felt moments. How did Guardians become the best thing about the MCU? (That's the Marvel Cinematic Universe to you non-nerds out there). The truth is I don't care. I'm just glad it's here to save us from the egocentric and self-righteous Avengers.

"I'm being paid how much
for this...?"

Cody: Oh, The Circle. The B horror film script with an A list cast. According to Box Office Mojo, the budget for this film was $18 million, and at the time of me writing this, it hasn't broke even. I'm sure it will ultimately make that money back, but I would have thought $18 million would only be enough to get Danny Elfman to tarnish his stellar career by writing the score for this. That's nothing compared to the astronomical sum needed to have the legendary Tom Hanks or so-hot-right-now Emma Watson lead the whole thing. Hanks and Watson should fire their agents. If you want a true paranoia sci-fi thriller, save yourself some money and trouble and queue up Black Mirror on Netflix. You know what was pretty good in comparison to The Circle? Well, literally anything in theaters right now, but we're here to talk about Guardians! Roy and I find ourselves in complete agreement here, which will inevitably not always be the case this summer. Vol. 2 built on the successes of the first iteration by combining the right mix of sticking with what works and pushing characters into new territory. It was light but emotional, self-deprecating but confident, I am Groot but I am Groot. Altogether, simply my new favorite Marvel movie.

Roy: I'm trying to come up with an apt description to explain how difficult it had to be to make a movie like this. Here's what I got. This movie made me care deeply about the emotional journey of a talking space raccoon. Let's all briefly rewind and read the previous sentence again. As silly as it sounds, that statement is completely accurate. If James Gunn had only succeeded in making a feel-good comedy it would have been enough, but he didn't stop there. This movie was visually stunning. I could go on and on listing the different things that looked amazing in this movie, or I could give you one word to sum it all up. Everything. Everything in this movie was aesthetically pleasing. Let's take Zoe Saldana as a prime example. This woman was painted in a bright shade of green the entire movie and pulled it off. Actually, "pulled it off" is an understatement. The detail that went into creating Drax's skin was no less astounding. The attention to detail in this movie was extraordinary and it completely paid off.

Yes. That's Merle Dixon with a giant space fin

Cody: Not to mention the fact that all these people still had to act to make this all believable. And yes, I realize that "believable" is a loose term here as we discuss an intergalactic space story featuring a talking baby tree, but that's the point. That's still Vin Diesel saying, "I am Groot," and making each one unique. Bradley Cooper made you laugh and gave you the feels, and as previously mentioned, he is playing a CGI trash panda. Beyond that, you have humans covered in varying colors, antennae, and other imagined space things. They have to portray their characters in spite of and through inconveniences and downright limitations. Dave Bautista was killer; Karen Gillan made great strides with a previously one dimensional character; and then there's Michael Rooker. In a movie with copious strong performances, he deserves a mention alone. He was given enough screen time and material to make something happen, and he knocked it out of the park.

Roy: I'm cheating real quick... I'm supposed to be starting the spoiler section, but did anyone else realize that we wrote four paragraphs on this movie and didn't once mention the lead role who has turned into one of Hollywood's biggest stars?? Chris Pratt was as lovable and astounding as ever. That's how good this movie was. There was so much to like about it, that it was easy for Peter Quill not to be the first thing on the list of great things about Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2. 

Unless you are interested in reading how every character dies a gruesome yet meaningful death by the end of this movie you should not proceed past this point. I'm just kidding.... no one dies. ......Or do they?? See what I did there? Now I'm all over the place. You have no idea what to think. But for realsies. Spoilers ahead...

Roy: Your description of Michael Rooker's performance is spot on. As good as he was in the role of Yondu, his story line was better. I was shocked that Gunn took a secondary character from Vol. 1, and made his story arc the most emotional moment of the movie. And before you comic-book nerds pipe up and roll your eyes at us for not knowing who the "real Yondu" is, allow me to explain that we aren't comic book guys. Never have been. We are obviously movie guys. Thus, you know... a movie blog. If you want, you can always start a comic book blog. I mean... even less people will read it than read our movie blog, but you know... Dream big. Anyway. After the first installment it was easy to see that Yondu truly cared for our boy Quill. But I never expected him to express with his dying breath that he was proud to raise Quill and that he always loved him like a son. That was the biggest heartfelt moment in a movie that handed out laughs and "awws" in equal measure. 

Cody: Not only did Yondu deliver the most heartfelt moment of the movie, he also gave us its best meme. "I'm Mary Poppins, Y'all" is already on t shirts! Not that I thought about ordering one or anything...because if I did order a shirt, it would obviously be this one. What I love about this movie, and its predecessor, is its ability to be subtly self aware. It's not Deadpool breaking the fourth wall, but it's still there. For instance, Quill tells Gamora they have an "unspoken thing," like Sam and Diane from Cheers. She dismisses the idea. Not 30 seconds later, they are arguing with the patented charged chemistry of their Cheers doppelgangers. Then Quill dismisses the idea that they are Sam and Diane, just like Sam would do! Another example one could point to is the cameo of Hasselhoff for basically the exclusive reason of upping the 80s ante. Which appears in the climactic scene, much like Quill dancing to his own a capella version of "Ooh Child" in Vol 1. Gunn knows what kind movie he is making, and he is confident in the balance of tension and silliness. It works.

Fifty pounds of cool in a ten pound bag

Roy: No... it's cool. I never explicitly told you to stay away from the Sam and Diane thing because that was going to be the main point of my next paragraph. I guess I'll just have to dig up a different anchor for this movie and examine that. But to pile on for a bit... Quill and Gamora have officially joined the pantheon of lovers who spend most of their time denying the inevitable. Ross and Rachel, Sam and Diane, Quill and Gamora. It's a brilliant move. Quill's character is what keeps this movie relatable. In a movie with a triangle-faced monkey, a baby tree, a grey and purple death machine, and a green smoke-show, it would be easy to lose our way and have the whole thing descend into a mess with which we never quite connect. Peter Quill keeps this from happening. His favorite music is the heavily underrated 70's pop era, and his 80's pop-culture knowledge is second to none. When something happens he is always there to remind us that this same thing happened in Cheers, or how freaking cool Knight Rider was. Quill and I are close to the same age. And let me tell you, when I was 5 years old all I wanted to do was watch Knight Rider on repeat. The only thing cooler than Kit was Michael Knight. Guys. I even watched the this terrible Knight Rider TV movie multiple times in my life. We all wanted The Hoff as our Dad. Despite who our actual Dad was. Quill reminds us that we aren't the only outsiders on this journey. He is one of us; helping us laugh at, and sometimes, with the rest of them.

Cody: I apologize for broaching the 80s topic first, but can I really be blamed for having an expansive and impressive knowledge of pop culture that was relevant before my birth? I'm sure Roy would be dying to in some way take credit for my 80s knowledge. It's not like he convinced me to watch Cheers in the first place or anything. (Roy: That's exactly what happened. Cody was all, "blah blah blah Fraser is so great." I was all, "Sure, it is. But it will always be a lesser spinoff of something far greater." He was all, "Wait.... Fraser is a spinoff?"). Cody: You have your version; I have mine. I'm going to leave you all with my own personally crafted fan theory related to all this 80s stuff. If you look at the IMDb cast list, two of the first three names that are new to the franchise (everyone through Karen Gillan appeared in the first film) are Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell. Now where have I heard those two names before...oh I don't know, maybe in some of the biggest freaking movies of the EIGHTIES! Stallone just appeared on screen multiple times as Rocky and Rambo, two huge movie icons to this day. And Russell? How about cult classics Escape from New York and Big Trouble in Little China. James Gunn was born in 1970. He would have been a teenager in the 80s. He's clearly got a whole scheme here. Not only is he weaving the decade into the script and the soundtrack (he consults with Tyler Bates on the choices), but he is also trying to cast the 80s into the films. He got Russell and Stallone already. That can only mean one thing as the next logical step. The Terminator will be in Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3. Take it to the bank people.

The COARD: Got Busy Livin'

Yup. Just peed a little

Roy: Look, let's address the elephant writing film reviews in the middle of the room. A room, where the floor is littered with awards in the shape of tiny golden boats stamped with the word "COARD." It has been 7 months and 12 days since we last wrote anything about movies. This would not be such a big deal if someone didn't write a whole pretentious epilogue trying failing to do their best Kirk impression, vaguely hinting that we would not be gone for too long. However we do owe our ardent fans an explanation. We had a superb plan all worked out. It was going to be great. You guys and gals were going to love it. We were about to get started. And then... I got a phone call. One phone call changed everything. My Cubbies were in the World Series and they needed my help. I promised I wouldn't discuss my role within the organization, so I won't. And I'm not saying that Jason Heyward wasn't really the one to calm the guys down in the clubhouse during the game 7 rain delay... But I'm not not saying it either... Believe it or not, despite my busy October I got a chance to see a few flicks. Everyone reading this do yourself a favor. Find Desierto right now. On demand, Target, wherever... Watch it. Do It now. Jeffery Dean Morgan was outstanding in that film and Jonas Cueron showed us that his Dad Alfonso isn't the only auteur in the family.

Time is a flat circle, and it turns out, so is language

Cody: So I got caught up in the spirit of The COARD awards. Everyone was wearing tuxes and dresses, stuff was falling from the ceiling (because what is an award ceremony without such gimmicks), I had already started pre-gaming the after party with Leo. Can I really be blamed for my brash remarks around our imminent return? I truly believed we would be back soon. First Roy was away in Cleveland doing [redacted], then I got that call from the FBI. They wanted my consulting expertise on some emails they needed to reanalyze. All the emails were incredibly boring. I'm not sure what the point was or who Rodham is, but I was impressed that anybody could have 33,000 emails worth reading. Anyway, if the FBI calls, you can't just tell them you have totally fleshed out and awesome plans for writing movie reviews, no matter how culturally important those plans might be. Thankfully, I was able to wrap that work up by the time Arrival came to the big screen. A fantastic sci-fi film that packed a one-two punch of high entertainment value and deeply thought provoking content. Highly recommend to anyone with interest in good film, aliens, or humans. Which I sincerely hope covers 100% of our readers.

Ok. Maybe we choked on our aspirations

Roy: So that leads us to December. Honestly, can anyone blame us for not starting things up in December? The single busiest month of the year? Give me a break. And of course my December got extra complicated. It was Christmas Eve, the wife and I had put the kids to bed and settled down to watch a Christmas Movie before retiring ourselves. We hear a noise on the roof. I go outside and see some crazy guy in a red suit fumbling around up there. I yell up to see what is going on and the guy falls off my roof. So what was I supposed to do? I put on the suit. Oddly, the reindeer seemed to know what to do. After an interesting evening I woke up in my own bed. Later that day I caught Rogue One. The expectations were high. This movie exceeded them. I was concerned how a Star Wars movie without Jedi or light sabers would work. Thankfully we didn't have to test that theory because Vader showed up and ruthlessly murdered quite a few rebels. Normally we don't root for bad guys here at the COARD, but Vader is a different story. I wish Jedi-less movies were my biggest problem these days. Right now I'm dealing with uncontrollable weight gain, white hair, and knowing every brat's name from here to Idaho. I may have a serious problem here...

I'm not crying, you're crying!
Okay, I'm crying..

Cody: It wasn't too long after that when I found out I would be working backstage at the 89th Academy Awards! Would any one of you give up the opportunity to not only attend but also help produce The Oscar's to instead write on a blog about movies? Yeah, I didn't think so. What an incredible experience that was. So many big names and so accessible. To say I was starstruck would be an understatement. To be honest, I was so busy attempting to rub elbows with A-Listers that I don't really remember handing out all those envelopes. Good thing it's an incredibly mindless task that requires little to no effort. I'm sure it was fine. Anyway, I left the awards in a complete daze. I vowed to see some of the phenomenal films that had been nominated that night. Thankfully, Lion was enjoying a second release in theaters due to its Oscar buzz. I'm not ashamed to say this movie brought tears to my eyes more than once. A wonderful and heartbreaking story. The first thing I did after walking out of the theater was text one of my new friends, Warren Beatty. I don't think he cared much for my suggestion because he said I made a fool out of him. I guess to each their own, but I think most of you would enjoy it if you haven't seen it yet.

Can someone light a match please?

Roy: So you get it. We had stuff going on, but we still caught all the great movies. Even the ones that were dropped in the Hollywood graveyard that is March and April, such as Split and Get Out. Then again, there was the movie that was supposed to make this time of year worth it. Instead Logan dropped a huge dookie on America. Listen, you might think you liked that movie. Trust me, you didn't. Granted, the violence was beautiful. The story itself was decent, and the movie was entertaining. But everything that movie meant to the already struggling X-Men universe was a giant poop sandwich. I want to move on and fill everyone in on how excited we are to be back and will promptly kick things off next week with this year's first true blockbuster. I just have a bad taste in my mouth still. And it taste's of cigar smoke, animal hair, and adamantium.


Cody: What? You mean completely undoing everything that had been done in the previous nine movies didn't sit well with you? You didn't buy the vaguely described backstory that had more holes in it than the colander in your kitchen cabinet? It was a really good movie, as long as you didn't watch any of the other ones (especially Days of Future Past) and don't think about the premise for longer than it takes Usain Bolt to run 100 meters. I can't do this. I'm going to go back to repressing the memory of seeing it and pretending that Future Past was the last movie with the first generation X-Men stars in it. Anyway, it's May! Summer Blockbuster season is upon us! Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 is here! This movie poster is literally the background of my phone, so you can expect a completely unbiased and analytical review from me next week (Read: either a fanboy freak out or dramatic wallowing over disappointment). Beyond that, we have a wide array of movies lined up for Summer of COARD Vol. 2. What? Too much of a straight rip off from Guardians? Whatever. We're back, baby!