The COARD: The Nice Guys

We are going to do a much better job at not spoiling this movie for you than the trailer for this film did. But this is The Nice Guys ,it's not like we are reviewing a David Fincher mind-bending thriller. It wasn't too difficult to see where this movie was going. But still! The trailer showed WAY too much. We however, will give you plenty of warning before we do that. 

Look at them in all of their Buddy Cop glory

Roy: The Buddy Cop movie is a genre that, when done well, is as good a time as one can ask for in a movie theater. Thankfully, Shane Black made this film. The term "Buddy Cop" can be misleading. Because typically as the movie opens; the two main characters are anything but buddies, and they do not necessarily have to be cops either. Such was the case with The Nice Guys. To pull this movie off it wasn't as easy as taking one alcoholic private eye + one leg breaker + an interesting mystery and shake well. At the heart of every good buddy cop movie is the chemistry between the two main characters. If all goes well you get Lethal Weapon. When it misses you are stuck with White Chicks. Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe are at the top of their game. This was a fun movie from the very first seconds. With the retro graphics and the unmistakable guitar lick of Pappa Was A Rollin Stone. There was so much to enjoy about this movie, and instead of gushing for too long over it. I'm going to take a breath and let Cody chime in with his thoughts. 

Cody: So let me get this straight, Roy calls this a buddy cop film but then states the main characters are neither buddies, nor cops. An interesting review technique. Perhaps I will call this a romantic comedy and review it as such. You can't deny the chemistry between Gosling's Holland March and Crowe's Jackson Healy in this movie. Both are single men. I think there was more here than met the eye.

*cues up Can You Feel the Love Tonight*
Two men, one missing girl. Their jobs have them at odds, but can love bring them together?

Hey man, it's the 70s. A time of awakening. The wonderful setting and on point soundtrack make you feel right at home there. So why can't two hired detectives make it in this crazy town called LA? Their banter throughout the entire movie was perfect. A writer can write great dialogue, but it takes a director and actors to perfect the timing and delivery. When you get all three together, you get the fun filled movie called The Nice Guys - A Love Story.

Roy: ....... That's not where I was headed with this dude. If you would have allowed me to explain further I would have mentioned that in all buddy cop movies the two leads become buddies at the turning point in the story. And by the end of the film they are good friends. And since they are gumshoes they can be referred to as "private cops." So really. This is less love story and more buddy cop movie. How else do you explain the fact Shane Black wrote every Lethal Weapon film. He may not have invented the buddy cop movie, but you can argue that he perfected it. And if you'll remember, as we were walking out of the theater together I told you that movie felt like Lethal Weapon. Not in the story line; the only similarity they share is Los Angeles, but the back and forth between Crowe and Gosling. It all makes sense now. It's why I enjoyed this movie so much. Shane Black knows how to build this genre. The collateral damage this film is riddled with really eases the tension. Nothing like seeing innocent bystanders get shot in amusing ways because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Cody: Can you feel the love tonight?
The violence the evening brings
Two men, for once, in perfect harmony
With all the killing things
See? We're on the same page here. Innocent bystanders die, the crowd laughs in amusement. Meanwhile, two gumshoes lock eyes. Each sees in the other something he could never be by himself. That's exactly what made the four film love affair between Riggs and Murtaugh so great! Clearly, Roy is not as modern as I am, so we can refer to them as "buddies," ya know, for his sake. There was a third wheel involved in this buddy film that absolutely deserves a mention. And that brings us to this week's "foreign actor playing an American that The COARD loved (working title)!" The introduction of Australian born Angourie Rice was a home run. The 15 year old held her own in every scene, with or without the two lovers buddies, and her screen chemistry with Gosling and Crowe was superb.
Roy: Hey! That turned. For the better. I was sure I was going to have to carry this review while Cody continued to change Elton John lyrics and repress his jealously over the chemistry between Gosling and Crowe. But since he actually added something of value to this review I will pounce on it like Holland March pounced on any and all alcohol in the vicinity of his person. Rice was perfectly cast as the exasperated daughter living with a father who is struggling with his demons and is not as responsible as he should be. Adding a young girl to tag along in a story like this can slow the whole thing down and completely kill any momentum the story had built. But she added to the story every time she was there. Ultimately, this was a movie that kept moving and kept entertaining from its first moments to its last. I officially award The Nice Guys the coveted COARD seal of approval.

Commencing SPOILER section! Henceforth, we will discuss the plot points of the movie in their full and wonderful glory. You have been warned.


Cody: Now that we've fully documented the love between our two main characters, we can move on with their story. I know it may sound odd, but when I think of the plot of this movie, I can't help but compare it to that of a sitcom episode. Specifically, it reminds me of Seinfeld or Modern Family. Everything is interconnected somehow, and as the pieces take shape, you can't help but laugh at the situation the characters find themselves in. The obvious foul play in each death of those involved in the making of an adult film that also revealed corruption in the justice department was central to the puzzle. It takes great writing to weave together that many pieces in a cohesive way. To then make them laugh out loud funny, well that means everyone wins. Although the full plot was meant to be a mystery that slowly came into full view with each clue the befuddled detectives stumbled upon, there was no lack of comedic bluntness either. Best evidenced by the sudden and simple murder of Amelia, the main person of interest for our detectives. She walked right into the path of the assassin searching for her, and the gunshot that blew her away, also blew my mind in the best of ways

Roy: You know what was so great about that moment? In most movies when the bad guy catches up to the person they are chasing they take them hostage and move them to a different location. Not this guy. She asks for help one second and catches a bullet to the face in the next. It was shocking, amusing, and realistic. That is one thing this movie had a knack for. Whether it was collateral damage or March trying to break into a building and badly cutting his wrist on broken glass, things happened in this movie that you did not expect to see, but would expect to happen if said situation played out in real life. It added to the charm of the movie.

Cody: The collateral damage was just absolutely wonderful. I think the award for best collateral victim goes to the guy who had a jacket with live grenades land on his head. There were a ton of examples of wrong place wrong time in this movie, but that one takes the cake. It's hard to say what was better, the collateral damage or all 412 of the idiotic moments of Holland March. The window was great, but I think getting drunk at the party they are investigating earns top marks. He falls down the hill and lands on the dead body of the person they are searching for! Brilliant! Each of March's failures inevitably drag Healy into ridiculous situations. The eye rolling and scoffing of Crowe make it all the more fun. So, I guess I'm riding with Gosling's incompetence over collateral damage as the most fun aspect of the movie. But boy is it close.

Roy: As good as Russel Crowe was in his portrayal of Jack Healy, I really think the MVP award has to go to Gosling. He just kept raising the bar the entire movie and any time he was on screen he entertained. He was a good detective but also regularly got lucky despite his own ineptitude that chased him throughout the film. It was an interesting dichotomy. Part of what worked so well was the fact that as complicated as March was, Healy was as simple. Not stupid by any means. But he was a man who had simple motivations and knew what he was good at and did not veer off of that path. Healy was a man who was good at operating in morally grey areas but longed to be the good guy. Being thrown into the March family dynamic made him realize that he was not as bad as he thought he was. Despite the heavy adult content of this film it was lighthearted and just plain fun.

Cody: Healy's infatuation with being good and useful was one of the few odd pieces of this movie, but it was charming. If you want to nitpick at something, you can always find pieces of thread to unravel. Most oddities in this film were fine, and not all that worth digging into. The one that was, left me grasping without any thread to pull. The random Detroit hatred at the end of this movie was so bizarre, and, in my unbiased opinion, uncalled for. Does Black have a vendetta against the automotive industry? Does he hate Detroit? Is this something personal against me? Whatever. I'll be the bigger man and say that his movie was still fantastic.

The COARD: Money Monster

Once again, we will keep the first half of this review spoiler free. The second half, we’ll really hone in and target George Clooney for the [REDACTED] that he [REDACTED]. If you haven’t seen the movie, please enjoy this spoiler free breakdown.

Cody: With Clooney and Roberts on board, this movie had obvious promise, but I was nervous about the premise. I was thus surprised to find that the story arc of the film completely sucked me in. What made this movie was the balance between intensity and lightheartedness, and sometimes hitting both at once. The filmmakers did not take themselves or their movie too seriously. They knew exactly what type of movie they were making, and rather than try to go beyond that, they owned it. Whether it was the dialogue, or situational ironies that were well timed, the movie just kept humming along. At roughly 100 minutes, it was an entertaining watch that didn’t drag, unlike, you know, the Avengers movies Roy loved so much. No, I’m not done bringing that up, because I like poking the bear. I’m going to rate this movie the rare Money Monster Triple Buy!

Look at these two. Don't tell me they're not besties!

Roy: I’m not sure what I’m more impressed with; how well this movie was made, or the fact that we have been so in sync on our opinions for our first two reviews. You’re exactly right, this film was extremely well paced. Jodie Foster kept this story moving, but I don’t think she should get all of the credit. George Clooney drove this movie. He was masterful with this character. You quickly want to punch him right in the dollar signs for being the man in his 50s who perpetually insists on acting like a child. Yet, as the movie hits its halfway point, you find yourself rooting for him because he is forced to be real. The chemistry on and off screen between George and Julia is no secret, as they have demonstrated before. However it is the pairing of the relative newcomer Jack O’Connell with Clooney where the movie really comes into its own. The “down on his luck, lost everything he has” character is nothing new in Hollywood, and can easily irritate the audience. That’s why O’Connell was brilliant in this role. He was easy to relate to, regardless of the fact that he was holding a group of people hostage.

Cody: Everyone just felt like they fit in this movie. It’s the type of movie that -and this is absolute fact and in no way random conjecture by me- is made better because the actors had fun making it. It’s obvious. Don’t question me on this, people. I agree with you, everybody deserves equal credit for this. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that in my preparation for this movie (yes, I do actually prepare for these blog entries. Jeez. Tough crowd today.) I came across a random directorial credit for Jodie Foster. She directed a single episode of House of Cards! What a completely unexpected IMDb entry. Speaking of random connections, always great to see the fantastic Gus Fring making an appearance. Back to O’Connell’s Kyle Budwell. I don’t know what it is about English dudes playing New Yorkers and this blog. First we’ve got Tom Holland, now O’Connell. He was great, and until I did some prep (YES, PREPARATION), I legitimately thought he was from New York. Excellent work!

Roy: I also had no clue he was British. He sounded every bit like a delivery guy from Queens. If there was one person who outdid O’Connell in the New York accent department it was Emily Meade who plays the girlfriend. And let me tell you, if her accent was the tip of the iceberg, her performance ripped through the hull of the Titanic and killed Leonardo DiCaprio... Well let’s be honest with each other. Rose killed Jack. There was room on the raft. But she knew that her family and social circle would never accept a dirty peasant. So it was easier to let him slip into the depths of the freezing Atlantic, than to face the ridicule and social banishment she was sure to receive. See what I did there? I compared the struggle of class warfare in James Cameron’s Titanic to Money Monster, a movie where class warfare is the entire subtext of the film. Bam. Brought it home! So where was I before I chased this rabbit down it’s rather large hole? Ah yes! Emily Meade! Her screen time can be counted in seconds, yes…. Seconds. But she hands in a performance that is both gut wrenching and hilarious. Remember in the opening paragraph where Cody said at times the intensity and lightheartedness hits all at once? This was one of those times.

Cody: If you’ll allow me to embrace my inner white girl here, I can’t even with Meade’s performance. She was absolutely stupendous in her cameo role. So since we both clearly enjoyed this movie, let’s just move on to discussing the actual plot points!

You've been warned. What follows is a spoiler rich dialogue about the movie. Proceed on your own volition. We take literally zero responsibility for your actions. (And not in a rude way, but in a don't make us be rude way, ya know? Just...could you please only read if you're cool with spoilers?)

Roy: Am I supposed to just sit here and be ok with Cody copying and pasting last week’s spoiler warning to this week? It’s like he thinks he’s Clooney in the movie and letting Julia Roberts do all the work. Because let’s be honest. That was their dynamic. She did all the hard work behind the scenes, and he acted like a complete horny tool on cable television. I was perfectly ok with O’Connell pistol whipping him during his entrance because Clooney deserved every bit of it. Which is why I was so shocked how much I wanted people in the movie to pick up their phones and buy IBIS stock to help save his life. Good God man. George friggin’ Clooney. He can turn it on in a second and make you feel polar opposite emotions.

Cody: The dancing intros to his Money Monster show! They made him into such a raging tool. Was it over the top? Sure, but it was all part of the charm of the movie. You’re absolutely right, Clooney can be convincing on one end of the spectrum or the other. What he can’t be is a convincing dancer. I mean seriously. I can’t stress enough how bad it was. I’m just glad they gave us multiple instances of the pure comedy gold. I really believed we were going to see the “good” in people with the IBIS stock stunt. The music is building, Clooney has you sucked completely in, and then bam, the number ticks down. It was fantastic. And that scene was a microcosm of the entire film. The overall story arch was predictable, but man did those in between moments kill it. Such as, oh I don’t know, Budwell’s girlfriend verbally eviscerating him on live television during a hostage situation. Based on the above pieces, I know Roy has some thoughts on that scene!

Roy: After she finished her F-bomb laced tirade live in front of millions of people, all I could do was sit there with my mouth agape in stunned silence. Once my brain processed what it had just seen laughter inevitably followed. It was completely unexpected, and a pivotal point in the movie. Kyle knew the chances were good that he was not walking out of that studio after taking a large group of people hostage on live tv. But once his girlfriend was done with him, I believe he made the decision to make sure he died that day. Even though anyone with a brain could see that Kyle was not going to make it to the end credits, he didn’t have to go out like that. It was that verbal curb-stomping that made him want to die for his cause.

Cody:  Correct, he was always going to wind up dead. Just like Dominic West’s Walt Camby was always going to be the corrupt bad guy here. Clooney was always going to soften up and root for Budwell along with us. It was all very neat and tidy. At times, too neat and tidy. The Walt Camby character killed me. Both in a good and bad way. He was so over the top obviously evil that it scored quite well on my personal unintentional comedy scale. When he's already been outed as evil, the writers somehow worked in a line where he admits he's cheating on his wife, who we didn't even know existed. I would like to personally shake the hand of the writer who tried to organically force that one in there. Good show, I say!

Roy: Albeit ridiculous, that wasn’t the most ridiculous thing about this movie. What bothered me most, by far, was the point where we were shown that Walt Camby’s reaction to thinking he was about to die was turned into a viral internet joke. I’m officially calling for a moratorium on any and all movies taking something that happened in the movie and telling us the internet made it into a famous meme, gif, or youtube parody. Listen, we fully understand how terrible we are as a human race. And we know that these things happen, but we don’t take Hollywood’s biggest shortcomings and wave it in their face! How would they like it if we took Barbershop 12: Back in Business and rubbed their nose in it like they were a misbehaving puppy?!

Cody: Yea! I too am indignant! I definitely didn't laugh out loud at all the parodies of Camby...sigh...I'm such a millennial. I thought it was just another enjoyable piece of an overall enjoyable movie. But seriously Hollywood, enough with the horrid sequels. Money monster was an original, and see how happy we are? Here's to hoping we aren't two years out from Money Monster 2: Cash Cow.

Roy: I can see the script now:

Fade in. The camera is focused on a sign that reads “Mount Sinai Children’s Orphanage” being bathed in an orange glow. The camera pans to a raging inferno as the orphanage is burning down to the ground. Camera pans back further and we see Walt Camby watching with a gas can in one hand and a duffel bag full of money in the other.

DUDE. I think we just started a script here. Know any Hollywood big-shots we can get to green light this sequel based solely off of those three sentences? I know you said this doesn’t need a sequel but…… Money dude. We could make a bajillion dollars here.

Cody: An over the top evil act committed by Camby to make money, you say? I can think of a writer who will eat this up. Readers, if we're not here next week, you know where we went.

The COARD: Captain America Civil War

It is usually right about here where we warn you that we are going to spoil the crap out of the following movie for you. Things change. Well…. Kind of. The beginning of this review is spoiler free. Rest assured, we are still going to openly discuss the plot points of this movie. However, we will give you ample warning before that happens. Unlike our arch nemesis, that hack Wesley Morris, who happily spoils movies like Gone Girl when it has been out for only two weeks.

Roy: I wasn’t sure what to expect from this movie. Judging by the trailers and my haiku, I was really nervous about watching my beloved superheroes go to war against each other. And I wish my anxiety was limited to only that. I didn’t love The Avengers or Avengers: Age of Ultron. Don’t get me wrong, they weren’t terrible. I didn’t hate them. I just found myself wishing they would hurry up and finish around the 90 minute mark as opposed to the 120-140 minutes those bloated cash cows usually clock in at. 
It would be easy to trash them for their painful dialogue that desperately attempts to be witty, or the unnecessary scenes that contribute nothing to the story, except action for the sake of action. What bothered me most about the Avengers movies is that such a large collection of powerful superheroes carries baggage. In order to make the audience think their chances at surviving, let alone winning, are bleak, the threat they face has to be overwhelming and ridiculous. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not expecting reality from an Avengers movie. But at the same time, I found myself rolling my eyes occasionally.

Even though this isn’t technically an “Avengers” movie, Captain America can no longer be separated from them. He is less Captain America and more Captain Avenger, as he is leading the team from Avengers headquarters. I was pleasantly relieved to find that Civil War did not suffer from any of the above mentioned issues…well, the dialogue was still painful at times. But rarely. Poor Falcon, he always seems to get stuck with the bad lines. I think the formula worked this time because our heroes were fighting each other. It was both entertaining and plausible.

Cody: It definitely has become rather difficult to separate the individual Avengers from the wider team and universe. The characters are so intertwined, that they feel it is necessary to make excuses for the ones missing from this movie. Of course, nobody mentions when Iron Man completely no showed the near end of the world in Winter Soldier, but I digress. I thoroughly enjoyed this “Avengers” movie, although it did feel a little empty. It never felt that there was an endgame, but perhaps I missed that overwhelming and ridiculous threat.  As the title suggests, the movie pits the Avengers against each other, and there’s just no good feeling in rooting for one side, and most importantly, against the other.

The dialogue was rough at times, but that was completely made up for by the introduction of Spider-Man. His nerdy charm is in full effect, and the casting of the age appropriate Tom Holland was perfect (even if he is pretty obviously British). I am fully pumped for the eventual standalone Spider-Man movie. We always knew his screen time would be low in this one as more established stars owned the screen, but I thoroughly enjoyed the time we had with our newest Avenger.

Roy: It’s not easy to walk into a movie and be asked to out-sarcasm Paul Rudd, and yet Tom Holland held his own in every scene, regardless of who he shared his screen time with. That can be a difficult ask for new characters. Thankfully not only Spider-Man but Black Panther handled their business without the audience feeling like it was forced. Black Panther was great. From the trailer I wasn’t sure if I would like him or not, but he was a fantastic addition to the cast. In his introductory scene he chased down the Winter Soldier and completely held his own. It was a fun way to initially meet this guy. He’s a character who was easy to empathize with. Which was the theme at the heart of the movie and also what made it so good. It showed us that even though all of these people are “super-humans,” if their special powers were to be stripped away they are very much still human. With all of the feels that you and I deal with. It made them relatable for the first time in well… ever. Civil War dug into the emotions that the characters were feeling, and we saw their raw reactions play out on screen.

Cody: They really made an effort to show the human side of our heroes, and it went mostly right. The balance of Ant-Man and Spider-Man’s sarcasm helped stop this from turning into a feelings party. They smartly framed the future of the Avengers universe around the strife amongst the team. No hero is ever going to wonder if they’re still the good guy like Batman can, but these characters all had convincing doubt. A little research shows me that the next Avengers movie is going to be a two parter. The world they’ve left us in excites me for the possibilities of those two movies, but that does introduce the possibility of upsetting Roy for being twice as long as the previously stated bloated cash cows.

Roy: Nooooooope. You know why? Because this two parter you speak of is the Avengers/Guardians of the Galaxy crossover. There is zero chance that sucks. None. So all in all Cody and I agree. Civil War was definitely one of the better Marvel movies and not a waste of your time or money. It is awarded the coveted COARD seal of approval. Now. If you have no interest in knowing detailed plot points about this movie, it’s time for you to leave.

You've been warned. What follows is a spoiler rich dialogue about the movie. Proceed on your own volition. We take literally zero responsibility for your actions. (And not in a rude way, but in a don't make us be rude way, ya know? Just...could you please only read if you're cool with spoilers?)

Cody: Well if we’re gonna do spoilers, we might as well dive right on in there. Your haiku was much more on track than mine. I was seriously concerned we would see the end of Captain America, maybe in death, but more likely in permanent exile. Thankfully, we just got a lot of anxiety and sadness watching all our Avenger friends fight. Well, not thankfully, but... relievingly? Oh, and fight the Avengers did. That scene at the air hangar (which Spider-Man totally stole) was one of the best Marvel fight scenes yet. Did you love giant Ant-Man as much as I did? Obviously, one of the biggest allures of a Marvel movie is the action, and they nailed all the fighting throughout the movie. Even the opening chase scene which conveniently featured the guy that totally died last Captain America movie. Whose actor contract likely guaranteed a second film appearance, so they pretended that he was still alive just to kill him off. Felt totally natural.

Roy: Giant Ant-Man was fantastic, but not as good as Spider-Man’s Star Wars joke related to it. Disney: We own the world and can make whatever joke we like! Call me a mincing little girl if you want but one of the things I liked best about the air hanger fight was there was zero collateral damage. I just got to enjoy the action and fighting without having to go, “Yup… lots of innocent people are dying that they will have to address at some point.” So is this a good time to talk about how much of a douche Roddy was? The last movie he appeared in was Iron Man 3 and all of a sudden he inserts himself as an integral part of the Avengers and gets super self-righteous?! I was actually okay when I thought he was going to die because, really… he deserved it? One of the coolest scenes by far though, was Captain America attempting to keep a helicopter from taking off with nothing to aid him besides his ridiculous biceps. Cody…. Those had to be CGI enhanced…. Right? Unless… Chris Evans has been mutated into the real Captain America. Good lord.

Cody: One sentence Roy is bemoaning the plight of the average innocent bystander in a superhero movie, and the next he is justifying someone’s death based on their slightly inflated sense of importance. Do I completely agree with all of his points? Yes, yes I do. But that doesn’t change the hypocrisy. I also wish I could disagree with Roy fawning over Cap’s ridiculous biceps while he successfully kept a helicopter from taking off. But that's folly. Oh they’re real, Roy. And they’re spectacular. 

Given my love for Cap, I expected to find myself mostly irritated at Iron Man, but that wasn't the case. My favorite plot device in this movie is how easy it is to agree with both Cap and Iron Man. Stark is completely right, giving up their autonomy willingly is much better than having it taken forcefully later. However, who could possibly be more qualified to determine the legitimacy of a mission than the Avengers? I don’t know where I would net out if faced with the same dilemma. I would like to think I have the guts to side with Cap, but I probably wouldn’t have attended a funeral with a super forced eulogy that was tailored perfectly for my situation. Boy, talk about convenient timing!

Roy: A eulogy, given by the super attractive great niece (that Cap is just dying to make out with) of the woman he was formerly in love with but was tragically separated from when he crashed a Hydra jet and became an ice cube for 75 years. You know…. When I say these plots out loud like this I want to find a writer to throw a miniature gasoline truck at. But the fact that Disney pulls all of this off with ease is really quite impressive. Doing my own research on the next Avengers movie I found out that Audi takes over the entire world and doesn’t let anyone else buy a car they didn’t make. Or… was that a subplot to this movie? All I really know for sure is it was rare to see a car in this movie that didn’t have the Audi rings plastered across its grill. I’m seriously curious about that contract. It had to be substantial.

Cody: Audi is a premium brand and Chevy is a middling brand. Audi is everywhere in Avengers and Chevy is everywhere in Transformers. Hmm.. Anyway, Cap sure has a fondness for that family. Here’s an unpopular spin: how come there were so many people at the funeral of a woman who started an agency (SHIELD) that was completely infiltrated from the inside out by Hydra, so much so that SHIELD almost caused the end of the world in the last Captain America movie? Too soon? 
So in the end, this movie left us with Stark at the Avengers complex, seemingly still on team Avengers, but pretty much every other Avenger is a fugitive. Which sort of implies that, ya know, there are no Avengers? Which brings us to the excitement for Avengers: Infinity War. Everybody loves a comeback story. Batman was gone for 8 years before Bane arrived in Gotham and duty called him back. He was in rough shape and nearly died. Somehow I don’t see the writers giving the Avengers such a difficult road back to glory. Maybe that’s because the DC universe is better than the Marvel one.

COARD VII: The COARD That Time Forgot - Alien (1979)

Upon opening the COARD folder for the first time in two years, Cody and I stumbled upon this little gem. You might be wondering, "How can two idiots write an entire review on a movie like Alien and completely forget about it?!" And to that I reply... Back off. We were running out of steam over here! Crushed under the weight of our own hubris! We even called an audible. Alien was definitely not next on the list. We reviewed this film 484 movies early in a feeble attempt to inject some life into the COARD. Alas, it did not work. But hey! Everyone gets an unexpected review! That's something... right??

Synopsis:

Movie: Alien

Director: Ridley Scott

Notable Characters: Ripley, Sigourney Weaver, tough lass

Alien (Xenomorph), perfect killing machine

Ash, filthy android who cares not about humans

Parker, token black man

Kane, Brett, Dallas, Lambert, other crew in order of death!

DISCLAIMER: Spoiler Alert. We have already told you the order in which people died. We will also be telling you how they died. Also, too, in addition, we will be spoiling just about everything else in this movie.  

Cody: Alien. This iconic film is ranked #49 on the IMDb top 250 movies of all time. I think we all know how the film is set up, but I will rehash the important points in nonchalant fashion now. A transportation ship seemingly the size of the Titanic is stopped mid flight by a strange transmission. Some of the crew goes down onto an unknown planet to investigate, and a spider squid thingy performs the first third party facepalm in cinematic history. Yada yada yada, a baby alien comes flying out of Kane’s stomach (Ripley smartly suggested they never let Kane back on the ship in the first place). The baby alien quickly becomes a not so baby alien. The alien begins conveniently running into and attacking every crew member one by one, despite the fact that, again, this ship is humongous. Seriously how did anybody find anything, let alone the alien, on this thing? As the alien continues to pick off the crew, it is found out that Ash is under orders to let all of this happen, as Earth wants the alien delivered for studying/use as a weapon. People fight, more people become alien chow, and eventually Ripley and Alien have their final showdown in the escape shuttle.

Review:

Roy: Cody, you should know how much I love this movie. I love it so much that I think it's one of the best science fiction movies ever made, and I am going to go ahead and say with oodles of confidence and zero evidence that this was the first science fiction/horror movie ever made. There may be those of you out there who are throwing things at your computer screen right now because how could I be forgetting 2001: A Space Odyssey? My response to that is you need to get over yourself because that was science fiction suspense. Not horror. Yeah, a creepy red light, that takes over a space ship and decides to kill the astronauts on it, is no picnic. But did that red light use human beings as an incubator? Only to then have a tiny scary baby red light eat its way through John Hurt’s stomach? Then promptly begin capturing/murdering the crew as an evil adult grown red light? Nope. You lose. The first time I saw this film I was an adult. For some weird reason, my parents didn’t think exposing me to Ridley Scott’s masterpiece was a good idea. Maybe they were concerned I would have nightmares that the Xenomorph would capture me in my sleep and make a Xeno-cocoon out of me in my closet. They may have had a point. But that doesn’t mean I’m not still a little sore about it.

Cody: I think we could take your point further and in another direction at the same time. The vast majority of horror films follow the same general formula: group of people + introduction of threat = one-by-one death + final survivor. This formula is incredibly easy to produce, but extremely hard to get right (See: Sheep, Black). The fact that this science fiction/horror movie follows that exact formula and finds itself ranked in the top 50 movies ever is immensely impressive. In a lot of ways this movie reminds me of Jaws - the first movie we reviewed here at The COARD. Sure some of the 1970’s effects look completely ridiculous, but in a weird way it holds up. It’s okay that the alien looks super rubbery or that the android literally is cheap rubber. It adds to the charm of watching a legendary movie.

Roy: Since we are reviewing over 1,001 8 movies in The COARD, it is safe to say we will encounter this very formula numerous times once. And no matter what type of movie it is, or how well it does or does not accomplish this formula, there is one thing that will always stand out. The token black guy. Will die. Every time. The poor guy never catches a break unless it’s an Ice Cube movie, in which case we can speculate that the only reason the black guy survives, is because Ice Cube is the star and he will be surviving. Does it matter that he’s fighting a ridiculous and sub-par CGI snake? It does not. And this leads us to this week’s Token Black Guy Death. "The token black guy: He may not be the first to die, but die he will." Poor Parker does everything right the whole movie. I was really rooting for him even though I knew getting the air tanks ready for the escape pod was the last thing he was ever going to do. Did that stop me from yelling at him to run while stupid annoying Lambert is busy screaming and getting eaten? Nope. Final Tally: Lambert, the last person to die in Alien. We were so close on this one.

Cody: Something tells me our Token Black Guy will not fare this well in most of the remaining horror movies on our list that list we quit. That doesn’t mean I won’t be here hoping, waiting and watching, watching and waiting. If only Anaconda was on our list!  J-Lo!  Ice Cube!  Did I love that movie way too much?  Did a quick IMDb search inform me there is a 3rd Anaconda movie starring David Hasselhoff? Am I secretly making plans to watch this as soon as possible? Is the answer to all these questions yes? You’re darn tootin’! Well….anyway, I think it’s time for Cody’s Movie Score Moment! Brought to you this week by Pitbull. “Pitbull: when you need to kill brain cells quick, don’t think alcohol, think Pitbull.” If music can be subtext, then that is what the score for this film strove to be. Almost always subtle, save for the opening scene and a few other moments, the score played nice with the other aspects that make for a great movie. The horror was set up through brilliant cinematography and the always eery sound effects of “deep space.” When there was music playing, it was to support the tone that was already clearly set. For a movie that turns breakfast into a guy exploding from the inside out, I think an understated music score works just fine.

Roy: Ridley Scott really knew what he was doing with this movie. We see the Xenomorph sparingly. Instead Scott uses nothing, or just a dark tunnel to create the fear in a scene. And we only see quick flashes of the alien until the end of the movie, when it followed Ripley onto the escape ship. However, the most interesting thing about this scene to me... Was the most ridiculous underwear in the history of anything ever. In 1,001 Movies You Must See Before You Die The Dumbest List in Human History by Stevan Jay Schnieder The Most Pretentious Man in the World which is the inspiration was a total waste of money but looks spiffy on a coffee table. But still... was the catalyst for this journey, I found out that Ripley was supposed to be naked to highlight the futile struggle and how unequipped humanity is against this menace. But they wanted an R rating instead of the dreaded NC-17, so they clearly went to Baby Gap and found the smallest underwear possible that Sigourney Weaver could squeeze into. This begs the question, did everyone on the Nostromo have underwear like this on? If so, that goes a long way towards explaining why they were all so crabby with one another. If my undies only covered half of what they were supposed to and were cutting off my circulation I might be a bit snippy with my co-workers as well.

Cody: I am halfway between perplexed and impressed after reading that anecdote, Roy. Although, it is in the book heaping pile of crap after all, and the underwear were particularly ridiculous. The real question is, what kind of underwear did Ash the android have on? Or did he even have underwear? Does he look like a Ken doll down there? Because I am assuming he does. He also does not produce normal human waste most likely, thus rendering underwear meaningless on both ends, so to speak. Hey you. Yeah, you, the reader. I heard what it was that you were thinking inside your head. Don’t question what we’re doing.  All of this is clearly extremely relevant to a review of a movie about an alien killing machine. Can you believe the nerve of some people Roy?

Roy: If we didn’t start this blog to be able to comment on the underwear used in telling these stories than I don’t even know what we’re doing here. Plus, let’s face it, if you know us at all then you knew what you were getting into here. A billion other movie reviewers can highlight the struggle between the Xenomorph and the crew of the Nostromo, but how many of them raise practical questions like underwear comfort, which is the sole reason for underwear in the first place! If it’s not comfortable, then why even put it on? So you have no one to blame but yourself here. Cody, anything else to add about Alien?

Cody: Well we didn’t spend much time on Ripley.  On her behalf, I would just like to say, suck it Alien.

Roy: Ripley is in the sequel Aliens, which is also on our list! we completely failed to review. We will write more about her then never… provided she doesn’t have on ridiculous underwear in that movie as well. In that case, we make no promises.