Upon opening the COARD folder for the first time in two years, Cody and I stumbled upon this little gem. You might be wondering, "How can two idiots write an entire review on a movie like Alien and completely forget about it?!" And to that I reply... Back off. We were running out of steam over here! Crushed under the weight of our own hubris! We even called an audible. Alien was definitely not next on the list. We reviewed this film 484 movies early in a feeble attempt to inject some life into the COARD. Alas, it did not work. But hey! Everyone gets an unexpected review! That's something... right??
Synopsis:
Movie: Alien
Director: Ridley Scott
Notable Characters: Ripley, Sigourney Weaver, tough lass
Alien (Xenomorph), perfect killing machine
Ash, filthy android who cares not about humans
Parker, token black man
Kane, Brett, Dallas, Lambert, other crew in order of death!
DISCLAIMER: Spoiler Alert. We have already told you the order in which people died. We will also be telling you how they died. Also, too, in addition, we will be spoiling just about everything else in this movie.
Cody: Alien. This iconic film is ranked #49 on the IMDb top 250 movies of all time. I think we all know how the film is set up, but I will rehash the important points in nonchalant fashion now. A transportation ship seemingly the size of the Titanic is stopped mid flight by a strange transmission. Some of the crew goes down onto an unknown planet to investigate, and a spider squid thingy performs the first third party facepalm in cinematic history. Yada yada yada, a baby alien comes flying out of Kane’s stomach (Ripley smartly suggested they never let Kane back on the ship in the first place). The baby alien quickly becomes a not so baby alien. The alien begins conveniently running into and attacking every crew member one by one, despite the fact that, again, this ship is humongous. Seriously how did anybody find anything, let alone the alien, on this thing? As the alien continues to pick off the crew, it is found out that Ash is under orders to let all of this happen, as Earth wants the alien delivered for studying/use as a weapon. People fight, more people become alien chow, and eventually Ripley and Alien have their final showdown in the escape shuttle.
Review:
Roy: Cody, you should know how much I love this movie. I love it so much that I think it's one of the best science fiction movies ever made, and I am going to go ahead and say with oodles of confidence and zero evidence that this was the first science fiction/horror movie ever made. There may be those of you out there who are throwing things at your computer screen right now because how could I be forgetting 2001: A Space Odyssey? My response to that is you need to get over yourself because that was science fiction suspense. Not horror. Yeah, a creepy red light, that takes over a space ship and decides to kill the astronauts on it, is no picnic. But did that red light use human beings as an incubator? Only to then have a tiny scary baby red light eat its way through John Hurt’s stomach? Then promptly begin capturing/murdering the crew as an evil adult grown red light? Nope. You lose. The first time I saw this film I was an adult. For some weird reason, my parents didn’t think exposing me to Ridley Scott’s masterpiece was a good idea. Maybe they were concerned I would have nightmares that the Xenomorph would capture me in my sleep and make a Xeno-cocoon out of me in my closet. They may have had a point. But that doesn’t mean I’m not still a little sore about it.
Cody: I think we could take your point further and in another direction at the same time. The vast majority of horror films follow the same general formula: group of people + introduction of threat = one-by-one death + final survivor. This formula is incredibly easy to produce, but extremely hard to get right (See: Sheep, Black). The fact that this science fiction/horror movie follows that exact formula and finds itself ranked in the top 50 movies ever is immensely impressive. In a lot of ways this movie reminds me of Jaws - the first movie we reviewed here at The COARD. Sure some of the 1970’s effects look completely ridiculous, but in a weird way it holds up. It’s okay that the alien looks super rubbery or that the android literally is cheap rubber. It adds to the charm of watching a legendary movie.
Roy: Since we are reviewing over 1,001 8 movies in The COARD, it is safe to say we will encounter this very formula numerous times once. And no matter what type of movie it is, or how well it does or does not accomplish this formula, there is one thing that will always stand out. The token black guy. Will die. Every time. The poor guy never catches a break unless it’s an Ice Cube movie, in which case we can speculate that the only reason the black guy survives, is because Ice Cube is the star and he will be surviving. Does it matter that he’s fighting a ridiculous and sub-par CGI snake? It does not. And this leads us to this week’s Token Black Guy Death. "The token black guy: He may not be the first to die, but die he will." Poor Parker does everything right the whole movie. I was really rooting for him even though I knew getting the air tanks ready for the escape pod was the last thing he was ever going to do. Did that stop me from yelling at him to run while stupid annoying Lambert is busy screaming and getting eaten? Nope. Final Tally: Lambert, the last person to die in Alien. We were so close on this one.
Cody: Something tells me our Token Black Guy will not fare this well in most of the remaining horror movies on our list that list we quit. That doesn’t mean I won’t be here hoping, waiting and watching, watching and waiting. If only Anaconda was on our list! J-Lo! Ice Cube! Did I love that movie way too much? Did a quick IMDb search inform me there is a 3rd Anaconda movie starring David Hasselhoff? Am I secretly making plans to watch this as soon as possible? Is the answer to all these questions yes? You’re darn tootin’! Well….anyway, I think it’s time for Cody’s Movie Score Moment! Brought to you this week by Pitbull. “Pitbull: when you need to kill brain cells quick, don’t think alcohol, think Pitbull.” If music can be subtext, then that is what the score for this film strove to be. Almost always subtle, save for the opening scene and a few other moments, the score played nice with the other aspects that make for a great movie. The horror was set up through brilliant cinematography and the always eery sound effects of “deep space.” When there was music playing, it was to support the tone that was already clearly set. For a movie that turns breakfast into a guy exploding from the inside out, I think an understated music score works just fine.
Roy: Ridley Scott really knew what he was doing with this movie. We see the Xenomorph sparingly. Instead Scott uses nothing, or just a dark tunnel to create the fear in a scene. And we only see quick flashes of the alien until the end of the movie, when it followed Ripley onto the escape ship. However, the most interesting thing about this scene to me... Was the most ridiculous underwear in the history of anything ever. In 1,001 Movies You Must See Before You Die The Dumbest List in Human History by Stevan Jay Schnieder The Most Pretentious Man in the World which is the inspiration was a total waste of money but looks spiffy on a coffee table. But still... was the catalyst for this journey, I found out that Ripley was supposed to be naked to highlight the futile struggle and how unequipped humanity is against this menace. But they wanted an R rating instead of the dreaded NC-17, so they clearly went to Baby Gap and found the smallest underwear possible that Sigourney Weaver could squeeze into. This begs the question, did everyone on the Nostromo have underwear like this on? If so, that goes a long way towards explaining why they were all so crabby with one another. If my undies only covered half of what they were supposed to and were cutting off my circulation I might be a bit snippy with my co-workers as well.
Cody: I am halfway between perplexed and impressed after reading that anecdote, Roy. Although, it is in the book heaping pile of crap after all, and the underwear were particularly ridiculous. The real question is, what kind of underwear did Ash the android have on? Or did he even have underwear? Does he look like a Ken doll down there? Because I am assuming he does. He also does not produce normal human waste most likely, thus rendering underwear meaningless on both ends, so to speak. Hey you. Yeah, you, the reader. I heard what it was that you were thinking inside your head. Don’t question what we’re doing. All of this is clearly extremely relevant to a review of a movie about an alien killing machine. Can you believe the nerve of some people Roy?
Roy: If we didn’t start this blog to be able to comment on the underwear used in telling these stories than I don’t even know what we’re doing here. Plus, let’s face it, if you know us at all then you knew what you were getting into here. A billion other movie reviewers can highlight the struggle between the Xenomorph and the crew of the Nostromo, but how many of them raise practical questions like underwear comfort, which is the sole reason for underwear in the first place! If it’s not comfortable, then why even put it on? So you have no one to blame but yourself here. Cody, anything else to add about Alien?
Cody: Well we didn’t spend much time on Ripley. On her behalf, I would just like to say, suck it Alien.
Roy: Ripley is in the sequel Aliens, which is also on our list! we completely failed to review. We will write more about her then never… provided she doesn’t have on ridiculous underwear in that movie as well. In that case, we make no promises.
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