The COARD: Baby Driver

The COARD duo has long awaited the arrival of Baby Driver. Partly because of our love for Jon Hamm (okay, mostly because of this), but also because the trailer sparked excitement. The cast was fantastic (did I mention Jon Hamm?) and the premise was highly enticing. Did Baby Driver live up to our expectations? Read on to get our full thoughts. Spoiler Alert: It totally freaking did.

Cody: Well, Roy, it's safe to say you got what you've been begging Hollywood for the last couple weeks. We both thought Baby Driver would be good. I don't think either of us thought it would be that good. I'm going to start with the obvious. The pace. Writer/director Edgar Wright deserves a boatload of credit here. It is so challenging to have a movie move this fast from beginning to end without coming across chaotic. It wasn't just nonstop action, either. There were moments of real depth of dialogue as well as some quality comedic relief. The amazing part is that those were usually the same moments. Hitting deep while still allowing your audience to laugh is an incredibly difficult balance to strike. Baby Driver did it organically throughout the whole experience. Meanwhile, all those pieces fit around some of the best action sequences I've seen in a long time. After it ended, I considered going to the restroom then walking back into the theater and sitting back down as if I "just arrived" for the next showing. So yea, I liked pretty much all of it. 

Roy: PEOPLE. IT'S HERE. IT'S FREAKING HERE! The cure for superhero fatigue. The salvation of summer movies. Remember 10 years ago when we subjected ourselves to Mandy Moore and sharks? Baby Driver makes our last review feel like a decade has passed. I sat through this movie and immediately tried to figure out when my next viewing could be. Ok, I'm gushing. Let's focus. Where to begin? I suppose we should start at the beginning. Baby Driver starts with immediate action. One of the things that I loved most about this film was they used almost no CGI to pull off the stunts. Darrin Prescott explained how they tried to do everything in camera. So when you see Baby's car do something that defies all logic, that means some crazy talented stunt driver really made the car actually do that, and it was captured on film, and then synced it up to music. That's right. You heard me.  If there is one thing that might be cooler than the driving in this movie, it's the music. Every time a song was paired with a moment in the movie it fit perfectly. Edgar Wright dusted off many forgotten gems in the music world and put them on full display, while introducing us to new genres like "Egyptian Reggae." I'm stepping on Cody's toes a little here. He's probably irritated that I was the first one to bring up a movie's use of music. I will now give him the proverbial dance floor. 

You rob to support a drug habit.
I do drugs to support a robbery habit.
-Bats

Cody: Well this was clearly a special case of music. Any actual scoring in the soundtrack by far took a back seat to whatever was playing on Baby's iPod. Something I particularly liked about the musical choices was the timing. The characters in the film would literally talk about why a particular song was chosen for a particular moment. It wasn't really breaking the fourth wall, but it was a really cool insight into the director's choices. So wow, we've made it this far in without mentioning the people who were actually on screen. That's a testament to a supremely well made movie. But let it be known, each and every actor was superb. I'm going to focus in on Jamie Foxx. For me, he was a notch above the rest of the crew, which I promise is saying a lot given everyone else's performances. I doubt it actually happens because politics and such, but his performance was strong enough for a best supporting actor nod at the Oscar's. He owned his entirely crazy character. Bravo, Jamie.

Roy: The best compliment I can give Foxx on his performance is that I completely forgot I was watching Jamie Foxx. His performance really was that good. And as good as he was, everyone in this film held their own, especially the moments between Hamm and Foxx (in what I am calling the Battle Of The Unnecessary Double Consonants!) I'm starting a petition and I expect all of you to sign it. From now until forever, Jon Hamm should only be allowed to play characters that are a-holes. I have no idea what he is really like. Everything I have read or seen, people talk about how nice he is. But there is a quality about him. He knows how to dance on that line that makes you love and hate his characters all at the same time. While his character Buddy is vastly different from Don Draper, they share that quality. I should also mention Ansel Elgort and Lily James. Both are relative newcomers. Both have definitely starred in at least one other movie that you heard of (The Fault In Our Stars  and Cinderella , respectively). Both played their parts to perfection. As wonderful as all of the moving pieces were in this film, the core, it's heart and soul belong to the duo of Elgort and James. They took a fun action movie and injected it with real emotion. 

 

Spoiler alert, we're now going to continue gushing over how awesome this movie is! There will just be actual plot details now, so the reader assumes all risks when proceeding.

Cody: My favorite part of the movie was all of it. Roy?

Roy: As much as I want to crush you for wussing out on your opening paragraph I can't really blame you. I sat and stared at the screen for a solid few minutes trying to decide where to begin revealing spoilers. As much as I loved the music and how the story unfolded in front of our eyes, the car stuff was arguably the best thing about this movie. I'm a car nerd. Not a huge one. But enough of one to notice how truly remarkable all of these stunts were. There is nothing quite like a perfectly executed Rockford Turn. Baby used a car for everything. Even killing Bats, who very much needed to be killed. When the crew was about to pull a bank job and the camera lingered on a clustered set of rebar hanging off the back of a flatbed truck it was clear someone was going to die a very painful death. It was even more satisfying then I thought possible to see that it happened to Foxx's character. And once again, it was done to music. Baby moved down the street to music, did everything to music. It was so well done beginning to end. Holy crap I loved this movie.

Cody: Well it's simply impossible to try to narrow down some singular moments of the movie when the entire thing was fun from start to finish. Alas. I shall go back to music. The fact that Baby had tinnitus was a great addition to provide context to the constant use of music. It wasn't necessary, but it added to his character and therefore to the overall character of the film. A smaller side piece of this was his deaf foster father. Two hearing impaired individuals who are bonded by a love of music one of them needs to function and the other can't even hear. Their dynamic was easy and deep. All of this provided another emotional layer to the movie. And while we're on the subject of music, I just want it out there on the record that the climactic chase scene was absolutely stupendous. Starting from Baby

Music and movie fused as one seamless unit

causing Bats' brutal demise, the action and music synced so perfectly, I could spend the better part of a day watching it on a loop. Speaking of, I wonder if anybody has put that up on YouTube yet? I'll see everybody later..

Roy: From the time we started this review, until the moment we finished it I have had the privilege to see this movie twice. I picked up so much more the second time. My first viewing I was bombarded with fun and the coolness factor of this movie. The second viewing I truly began to understand how remarkable this film is. There is almost constant music, and I mean that. You might think that takes away from the film. It doesn't. Anytime there isn't music there is a slight ringing underneath what is going on, and it doesn't go away until more music is played. Wright uses this as an excellent device to keep us alongside Baby the entire movie, experiencing his viewpoint. Lastly, every gunshot in this movie was fired to the beat of whatever song was playing during the action sequence. It wasn't just how Baby moved that was connected to music. Quite literally, everything in the movie was connected to music. Everyone should see this movie because it represents everything a movie can be. Unique. Thrilling. Fun. Intense. Unique. Yes I know I said unique twice. Because no one has ever made a movie like this before. It was masterfully done. 

The COARD: 47 Meters Down

This week there was nothing worthwhile to see, let alone review. We were faced with watching Michael Bay continue to only make movies that involved either radioactive turtles or alien robots that turn into cars. And yet... We could take our chances on 47 Meters Down. Didn't I just drop a deuce all over that film? You would be correct. I did just recently tell all of you that there was no chance it was going to be good. But you know what? I'm a man who can admit when I am wrong. However, this is most definitely not one of those times. Also we are all wading in spoiler infested waters here. Trust us, all we are doing is saving you 90 minutes of your life.

Roy: 47 Meters Down met my expectations, unfortunately that's not a good thing. I'm always fascinated to hear what the reaction must have been when a producer read the script as it was written. No one could have done that and thought the writing was particularly good. But they went ahead and made it anyway. It was obviously an attempt to ride the wake of last summer's superb shark offering, The Shallows. While both of these movies are about sharks eating people, The Shallows brought something to the table that 47 Meters Down never got close to. Within the first 10 minutes of The Shallows you care about Blake Lively's character. In addition to that, Jaume Collet-Serra made a beautiful movie to look at. It immediately drew you in and you found yourself invested. That never happened with 47 Meters Down. The big emotional hook for this film was centered around Mandy Moore hiding a break up from her sister. Apparently "Carlos" thought Mandy was too boring. I've got to tell you, I was proud of one person in this film, and it was the off-screen "Carlos." Dude had enough sense to not show up to this bucket of chum they called a film. Bravo Carlos, bravo.

No Research. No Sense. No Good.

Cody: I'm glad you mentioned the beauty of The Shallows. 47 Meters Down moved in exactly the opposite direction. It felt very much like they were trying to make The Shallows 2: Things Get Deeper. Tagline: "Twice the trapped women, four times the sharks, 10 times the suspense!" Anyway, the visuals felt over engineered. Director Johannes Roberts tried to create a sense of foreboding with long drawn out shots of ocean scenery from both above and below the water. Or perhaps he knew no better way to get this thing to 90 minutes. Either way, it came across more forced than foreboding. Especially because once the ladies got to 47 meters down, there isn't much you can visually do. I assume the perpetual darkness with only little ocean floaties to be seen was meant to up the terror factor. I was too busy squinting for it to work. I would be lying if I said there was never any suspense, though. Even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in a while, and the first time the useless/boring sister (Mandy Moore) ventured out into the open ocean definitely ratcheted up the suspense. However, they proceeded to repeat this same model for suspense over and over to significantly diminishing returns. By the 10th time one of the sisters had to leave the safety of the cage, I was rolling my eyes rather than holding my breath. Or did the sisters only leave the cage eight times? I'm not sure, I may have been "hallucinating" due to nitrogen narcosis.

"How do you survive?"
Hallucinate your way to the top, obviously

Roy: You know what Cody? The more I think about this movie the more I think it was one of the better shark movies I've ever seen. The suspense was real, as was the constant pit in my stomach wondering if our heroines would ever get back to their family. Every moment was more exciting than the last! It was the thrill ride of the summer! Jaws-schmaws! Spielberg wishes he got some of that 47 Meters Down action! ..... This small and completely ridiculously false scene was brought to you by nitrous narcosis, or what this movie would have you believe it is. Allow me to explain... At one point, the Not Mandy-Moore sister is obviously eaten by a shark, mostly off camera. Soon Mandy Moore decides to venture out of the cage yet again, and somehow saves her sister who apparently was attacked by a shark with Stormtrooper aim because here she is...alive. They somehow ascend quickly and survive roughly 27 circling sharks. Truthfully, this is where things were not terrible in the movie. Even I found myself tensing up slightly. They are rescued by the boat above them despite both having huge chunks of their legs in the bellies of the sharks. So when I found out this was all an elaborate dream by Mandy Moore at the bottom of the ocean due to nitrous narcosis, I laughed. Hard. Out Loud. The people around me had to wonder what I found so funny. It was supposed to be a devastating moment. It was the very definition of laughable. You think the girls are saved, and you see that Mandy is actually alone and no closer to salvation, still 47 meters below the surface. Except she's relieved because she really believes they have been saved. I researched wikipediaed nitrous narcosis. Elaborate fake worlds are not created. You feel drunk. Or high. And your vision gets cloudy. The fact that the producers couldn't be bothered to type the words "nitrous narcosis" into wikipedia's search engine, or did and decided not to care is pathetic. I have no more words. I've wasted too much time on this film as it is. Cody, you got anything clever and amusing to close us down with?

Cody: Did you notice they were communicating with the boat all that time with scuba masks on that didn't cover their ears? Another blatant flaw that could have been avoided by a single person using their brain. This was simply not good. However, it could have been a lot worse. I'm going to end this review now because there's no possible way we could write something to entertain you more than just spending a few minutes reading the titles and taglines in this list of terrible shark movies. My personal favorite is #43, a clear attempt to ride the wave of success from Sharknado, which obviously also makes the list. Avalanche Sharks tells the story of a bikini contest that turns into a horrifying affair when it is hit by a shark avalanche. Why are they having a bikini contest in a place that has snow, which is a requirement for an avalanche? Let alone how did the sharks find themselves also in an avalanche? I know how I'm spending my evening!

The COARD: The Mummy

This week we visit yet another studio's attempt to create a movie universe. Universal, through its subsidiary Dark Universe, tries its hand with The Mummy. They hitched their wagon to one Tom Cruise, the man who has oscillated between cool and washed up more than maybe any other Hollywood A-Lister before him. But what did we think about it? Dive in here to find out, but beware of the spoiler section. Ancient secrets are buried there with really obvious warnings that any normal person would heed. I'm getting ahead of myself.

Cody: So let's start with the important stuff. Tom Cruise is cool in this movie. He's not apex cool, but he's definitely leaning more to that side of the spectrum than the lame side. He's definitely playing himself playing a character who is really himself, which is exactly where we all want him to be. Jake Johnson was playing Nick Miller playing a character in one of his novels. And then there's the fear. You all know I had serious concerns walking into this thing. I'm thankful to say that I survived to walk out of the theater on the other end, but there were definitely some moments of doubt. The suspense was high at times, and, in those few moments, it was enough to inspire hands-over-face-eye-balls-peaking-through-fingers behavior. So overall, the movie was enjoyable and kept my interest throughout the entire experience. Were there some plot holes you could drive Harry Potter's Knight Bus through without needing the use of magic? Sure, there definitely was (and I'll gladly poke some holes later!), but you shouldn't be walking into this movie expecting a tightly woven story. You should be expecting entertainment. That's exactly what I got from The Mummy.

Is this so much to ask?

Roy: I was also entertained... at times. Did I hate it? No. Did I love it? No. It was right in the middle. The movie itself wasn't boring, but I wasn't wow'ed. And I desperately wanted to be wow'ed. If you read my op-ed piece last week where I was complaining about Cody gallivanting through our national sand box, then you know that all I want from Hollywood is to come along and kick me right in the nards with an unexpected, life changing movie. So maybe my view point was skewed a bit. There were definitely things I disliked about the movie. For instance, I found it difficult to care about Cruise's character, Nick Morton. Cruise played the prototypical good looking tool bag who spent most of the movie caring only about himself and ruining the lives of anyone who had the misfortune to spend any amount of time with him. Oh by the way, he's also the worst best-friend a guy could ever ask for. So when the movie wanted me to care about him not dying, all I felt was ambivalence. They definitely tried to get us to understand that deep, deep down he was really a good guy. Albeit, a good guy who was buried underneath a facade of douchebaggery of his own creation. Unfortunately, every opportunity he had to show us that good side he chose not to. So I found myself unable to relate to his character.

Cody: I'm sorry, didn't I say that Tom Cruise was playing himself in this? I'm not sure why you needed so many words to agree with me, but I'm glad we're on the same page. Still think Cruise was medium levels of cool, though. This movie is definitely exactly what Roy has been complaining about. It had all the trappings of what could be a mega blockbuster. The Cruise, large budget, special effects, etc. It just, wasn't that, and they rarely are. That's why I'm not mad about the experience. I'm resigned to our fate in this summer world. It's also what makes me so grateful when something like Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 comes along. I've given up on Hollywood blockbusters, but Roy is still holding on. So when I walked into The Mummy, I walked in expecting an Applebee's cheeseburger. Decent, filling, but not all that satisfying. Roy, the optimist, walked in expecting a wagyu steak. So I guess what I'm really getting at is; yes, Roy, it is too much to ask for a movie to kick you right in the nards these days. I'll continue to enjoy my cheeseburger as much as I can.

Roy: So movies just suck now? I'm supposed to roll over and allow Hollywood to keep pumping out mediocre film after mediocre film without shouting from the rooftops my disgust at their penchant for choosing cash over art? Besides being an optimist, I'm also a realist. I understand that my tiny voice will accomplish nothing in the grand scheme of things. Until a game changer comes along or Disney runs out of Marvel stories to tell, this is the summer season we get. I feel like Cosmo Kramer, digging in Jerry's fridge and only finding health food, "I may have to take it, but I don't have to like it." I suppose I should attempt to steer us back to The Mummy. I didn't hate everything about it. One of the bright spots came via Russel Crowe as Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. He took his short moments on screen and made the most out of them. Even if he also brought us one of the funniest parts of the movie that I will unpack more thoroughly in the spoiler section. Truthfully, everyone did a great job. This film was well acted. It was the writers who dropped the ball with this one.

Cody: It's truly a tough line to walk. I do want to hold Hollywood to a reasonable standard, but I also want to enjoy the summer season. So basically, this is me admitting that I sometimes have to drop my critic standards to allow myself to be entertained as a movie fan. I allowed myself to enjoy this one, but that does not at all mean there weren't some flaws. Roy's aforementioned dropping of the metaphorical ball by the writers needs to be addressed. With that in mind, let's get into some holes spoilers

In case you didn't notice, we are now going to talk spoilers! Turn back if you really don't want to read about the plot points of this movie that we're about to rip apart.

Cody: Alright, so it's still me. I'll get going with one of my main gripes, then I promise to let Roy be smug as well. The Mummy lady picks a dude to become her vessel for the god she wants to bring to Earth, but they get interrupted. He dies, and she is entombed. She comes back and chooses Tom Cruise to be her vessel. Who then dies. And she proceeds to raise him from the dead so that he can be the main character/future god. She also proceeds to raise a crap load of people from the dead to be her minions. Why did the chosen one have to be Cruise? Because the writers needed a reason for him to be the most important character in the movie, and they were lazy! Sigh. They just never think these things through. Roy, you want to take the next one?

Roy: Or the fact that the Mummy Queen spent the entire movie trying to plunge a magic dagger in to the heart of the Cruise so he will become possessed by her lover and they can rule the world. He obviously spends the entire movie trying to keep this from happening. So it was a good idea to imagine a creative way for him to defeat the mummy queen. Or. You know, he could just finally do what he has spent the entire movie trying not to do and plunge the dagger in his heart. Now, this would seem like an odd choice. Never fear. The Cruise has a plan. He's just going to control the raging evil he has inside of him. (Which is a new choice for The Cruise because, you know, Scientology). He kills the mummy, resurrects his dead bestie, and they go on future adventures searching the world for answers. I'm not even sure how to respond to that story arc. It speaks for itself. And it's trying to tell you that it's really quite stupid. 

Controls birds, insects, and the dead,
easily captured by men with rope guns

Cody: Well and apparently a mortal human is able to keep the wrath of a god at bay because of his zero love for a girl he shagged once only because he wanted to steal information from her? Must have been that good man buried deep inside him we kept hearing about. The Mummy's powers were entirely inconsistent across the whole movie. One minute she is calling a flock of birds (from inside a coffin, mind you!) to crash a plane in the exact location (that she somehow inherently knows) of an ancient dagger that she needs for her ritual. The next she is easily captured by mortal humans with rope guns. Then she is held captive for seemingly an extended period of time only to telepathically control a spider that climbs inside a guy's head and controls him to turn off all the defenses keeping her there. Given some of the things she does, especially considering this all started when she had regained her former power while still a skeleton inside a coffin, I don't understand how she didn't just wreak havoc over everyone the entire time. She could have stabbed Cruise in the heart far earlier in the film, he would have staved off the evil god to save his newly acquired blonde friend, and we could have wrapped this up well before the two hour mark! I guess credit to the writers for stretching this into a feature length film despite lacking the necessary content to do so?

Roy: I have one last beef to close this review down with. As much as I enjoyed Russel Crowe in this there was one glaring problem for his character. Dr. Jekyll developed a serum that barely works. I suppose it kind of works... But he has to take it like once every 90 minutes or so, and he has to give himself 6 vials at once and loads them all into this weird revolver syringe contraption that he delivers to himself through the back of his hand? Am I the only one that thinks that is a super labor intensive way of keeping the demon inside of you? And that folks, is a perfect microcosm if what was wrong with this movie. With just a little more thought and creativity this movie could have been so much more. Instead they let two 7th grade boys flesh out the major details of this movie. At least it feels like that. If you haven't seen The Mummy and you're looking for a movie to pass the time, you could do worse. You could also do way way better.

The COARD: Cody's Vacation Ruins Everything

No. We are not reviewing National Lampoon's Vacation. This is a semi-quick explanation by Roy as to why The COARD has gone dark for a couple of weeks. Basically Cody decided to nab the lovely (If-he's-not-a-complete-moron-he-will-make-her) Future Mrs. Cody and head to the west coast, and then decided to drive back through the desert. I can only assume the above picture will be an exact representation for their trip back. Have no fear, much like the Griswolds; Cody, (the aforementioned potential) Future Mrs. Cody (provided he doesn't mess this up like an idiot), and The COARD will return triumphant almost immediately. 

     While Cody's vacation is a technically accurate excuse as to why we did not review a movie this week, it could not come at a better time. If you haven't noticed, it's a wasteland out there unless you are into Pixar releasing a third installment of their weakest franchise, or what I can only assume is a sub-par shark movie that was made immediately upon learning that last summer's The Shallows was actually really good. Cody and I kept looking at the third weekend in June with a nervous eye wondering what we were going to do. We got behind on The Mummy review (still coming by the way) and this planned excursion was mighty convenient. So when you think about it, Cody's vacation allowed us to keep our dignity. That's our story anyway.  That being said, we are in no way above ripping apart a terrible movie. Sometimes life just gets in the way. 

Spielberg tames the beast

     However, I got to thinking. Yesterday was June 20th. That date is cinematically significant. It was on that day 40 years ago that Jaws was released and the country collectively lost all control of their bowels. You can read our review of that great movie here, be warned... That was our first review and we were still trying to figure out what we wanted The COARD to be. That doesn't change the fact that we both loved the movie. Come to think of it, have you ever met anyone that doesn't like Jaws? Sure, it makes some people uncomfortable and they may be nervous whilst watching, but it's a great movie. One of the best. That film helped create the summer season as a destination for excellent movies. It's the perfect time. Kids are out of school, parents like to relax, the hot sun is beating down on us. What better way to spend some quality time together as a family than sitting in a dark air conditioned room for two hours while you stuff your face with popcorn? And oh by the way, you (hopefully) are entertained for 90-120 minutes. It's one of my favorite things to do with my wife and kids.

     Except we don't get that type of movie anymore. Sure the summer blockbuster season is still here. But the movies no longer surprise us. Each summer we have anywhere from one to three superhero movies to look forward to and everything else in between is just ok. There are a few interesting things on the horizon this summer, but I keep waiting for that one movie that drops in our lap and becomes a cultural event. Unfortunately, it just doesn't happen. I love superhero movies as much as the next guy, but I never dreamed they would anchor our entire cinematic year. It's not just superhero movies. Star Wars is definitely back and the revival has been mostly excellent besides a few problems with Episode VII: A Newer Hope. It's true, The Last Jedi could go a long way towards allowing us to look past those minor problems, assuming it's great. And yet, as it turns out Star Wars isn't even immune to the pitfalls of Hollywood. The news that the untitled Han Solo origin movie is going through a drastic change in the midst of filming punched me in the face yesterday. I guess I just miss the expectation that somewhere over the four month period of May-August some movie is going to come along and and burn down everything I hold dear, but in a good way. Where is the next Jaws?

How bad can it be? Nevermind. Looks dumb. Really dumb.

     Maybe I'm holding Hollywood to too high of a standard. I'm not asking for a new Jaws type film every year. But we are at the point where we don't expect them at all anymore. Have you looked at the coming attractions for the next few months? There are some bright spots but mostly it feels less than. Underachieving. It bums me out. And yet.... Maybe this is our fault. In the age of all the fancy internets, we have movie trailers shoved in our faces constantly. In addition to seeing them over and over, they give away so much of the story now. We know what to expect going in. And if you go to a giant corporate owned theater you get, literally, 20 minutes of trailers before your movie starts. Maybe the answer is to watch less trailers and go in to films completely blind. At the very least it would be an interesting experiment. Much like any given episode of Lost or The Leftovers we have a million questions and no answers. I just wish my summer movies would go back to surprising me. There are few feelings better than walking out of a movie completely floored because you did not see that happy experience hovering below you in the water waiting to grab your leg, drag you under, and devour you. It has become a lost art in Hollywood. Who knows, maybe I just need to go watch 47 Meters Down. It might surprise me the way The Shallows did last year. So I'm an optimist. Is that such a crime?

Cody: I'm actually not on a road trip at all. I'm in LA staging a sit in at Sony Pictures until someone explains to me how Rough Night got green lit. I may never get an explanation for why the summer blockbuster is dead, but I hope to at least understand how terrible movies get made. I've got to run, a security guard is waving me over. I think this is my moment. See everyone next week!

The COARD: Wonder Woman

Of course we reviewed Wonder Woman this week. If you know us at all, you know that here at The COARD we are passionate defenders of the superior DC superheros. Oh, you want to argue that point? I'll give you all of the Avengers AND the Defenders and I'll take the Justice League thank-you-very-much. Stop kidding yourself. You're losing that fight. This review will go a long way to proving that point. Spoilers follow. However we promise to not spring them on you. And I can't lie. I'm currently tied to my chair with the Lasso of Truth.

Roy: The world has been eagerly waiting on Wonder Woman for aabout a year now. The teaser trailer debuted at Comic-Con 2016. It was widely praised. Mainly because it looked cool, and received a significant amount of help from the catchy Wonder Woman theme. You shouldn't be surprised to find out it was written by Hans Zimmer. Of course it was... The COARD is currently investigating claims that he sold his soul to the devil for the ability to write amazing music. When we know something, you will too... Moving on. Because the teaser trailer had been around for so long I began to wonder if it could live up to the hype. After all, Disney's campaign to destroy anything DC has been wildly successful so far. Why would Wonder Woman be any different? Let's start with how perfect Gal Gadot is in this role. I'm not sure who the casting director was that chose her. But it might have something to do with her history as Miss Israel 2004, a martial artist, and freaking former soldier in the IDF. Yes, Israel has a whole conscription thing going on but that doesn't make it any less impressive. Let's add to this list that she did her own stunts in the Fast and Furious franchise and she filmed a decent portion of Wonder Woman while pregnant. Guys..... Is she like, actually Wonder Woman? Because all the evidence seems to point that way. Beyond all of that, she's a good actress. Gadot made it look easy, which is often the mark of a person who is great at their job. Ok, admittedly I'm gushing. I should just hand off to Cody and maybe we can reset a little.

Cody: Gal Gadot is Wonder Woman. I refuse to believe otherwise. Can't. Won't. I fully expected to love this movie going in, so I guess grain of salt and so forth. That being said, I was still surprised by Gadot. She owned the role so fully. The only other actor to role fit in the superhero universe that compares is Robert Downy Jr. playing himself Tony Stark. I think it's high time for some gloating. DC is here, people. The Hans Zimmer theme actually goes back to Dawn of Justice. Something I fully expect to recur in Justice League later this year, and beyond. To be fair, the Avengers have their own equally awesome theme, but that's my point. It's okay to recognize the success of both franchises. There's room in this single universe for multiple multiverses. Wait. This is getting confusing. Where were we? Oh, right. The DC universe is finally blooming. This movie was obviously great by itself, but it was purposefully made to tie directly to the world of the Justice League. There are a lot of people using this movie as an opportunity to gleefully throw more mud at existing and future DC films. If you like superhero movies and you liked this movie, then you should be excited for the future of DC. After all, the immediate future promises to feature Gal Gadot. Wonder Woman. WonderGal DotWoman?

Wonder Woman has had some help

Roy: Patty Jenkins deserves a lot of credit for making a movie that was visually stunning. And I'm not just talking about Wonder Gal, although she is definitely included in that. This film had three distinct and separate feels to it. The Amazonian island, early 20th century London/WWI, and finally the setting for the final battle. Each setting was filmed in a way that highlighted the story and was fun to look at. The final setting for the boss battle that comes at the end of every super hero movie was especially well done. On a more frustrating note, it should be mentioned that the world is collectively losing their minds over Wonder Woman. While this movie definitely deserves the credit for its excellence, that same credit is hoisting an unfair burden upon its shoulders. Read any article on this movie, and you will be told that Wonder Woman is "saving the DC universe," and they are "finally getting it right." Don't you believe any of that. It's true, Wonder Woman grossed $103 million in its opening weekend, but it failed to beat out the $116 million opening that Man of Steel had, or the $166 million opening that Dawn of Justice had. So as much as critics Disney likes to complain that the DC extended universe is sub-par and has been rescued by the female combo of Gadot and Jenkins, it's just not true. Those two ladies proved to be a powerhouse that can hold their own with any superhero movie out there, and should be praised for their success. However, that success does not mean that Zack Snyder failed in creating the universe in which Wonder Woman resides. And if we could all stop acting like this film is a diamond found in a pile of poop, I would really appreciate it.

I want to go to there

Cody: Cinematography has to be the very best part of today's superhero films. There's just so much opportunity to create beautiful settings juxtaposed with epic action scenes. Love it. I actually already booked my ticket to Themyscira. I'm told I just have to crash land in the Mediterranean Sea, and I'll be there. Sounds easy enough. It is heartening to see a female led and female directed action flick achieving the commercial success it deserves. It's a big deal. I don't see any Marvel movies able to make that same claim; just saying. Have we made it clear we like the DC universe? Fine, we'll let the dead horse be. We know all about Wonder Woman's friends in the Justice League, but she also had some key friends in her own movie as well. Captain James Tiberius Kirk...would have been a way cooler name than Steve Trevor. Regardless, Chris Pine was at his usual level of awesome. The rest of the gang was a bit odd and unexpected, to say the least. A hodgepodge of guys who have been in some things, but are far from household names. Gadot and Pine are so strong, both in their performances and their growing career cachet, that it didn't matter who else was around them. I loved every minute of their shared screen time.

Now we come to the point where we will discuss in detail what happened in this excellent movie that is only slightly more excellent than the first two movies in the DC Extended Universe and you can't make us believe otherwise. 

Roy: Despite all of the goodness that surrounds Wonder Woman, I did have a "Wait.... huh?" moment. Robin Wright plays Antiope, Diana's aunt and the fiercest warrior of the Amazons. My brain was wondering how I was supposed to buy The Princess/Jenny/Claire Underwood in this new role. I just didn't expect it. That's not to say that Wright wasn't a good choice and stunk up the screen, because she didn't. Let's be totally honest with one another, she has never been the problem in a movie. In fact, she only enhances whatever you're watching with her in it. Wonder Woman is no exception. Something surprised me about this casting. She was this revered general of the Amazon army, and I've never seen her do anything like that before. She once again proved that it didn't matter. Wright can pretty much do whatever she wants. I should probably never doubt someone who displayed the ability to co-exist with Sean Penn for any real amount of time. On the other hand, the "fiercest warrior" of the Amazons died in the first 20 minutes of the movie. So how good could she really have been? Kirk wasn't fast enough to save her. He was busy saving Wonder Gal's life, which he can't be blamed for. It wasn't Antiope who pulled him out of the ocean and was giving him the bedroom eyes almost immediately. While we are not blaming people.... Wonder Gal should also not be blamed for the said bedroom eyes giving. Cody has been giving Kirk the bedroom eyes for a few years now.

Cody: Okay, first of all, you haven't been giving Kirk bedroom eyes? You literally created the Coolest Person in the History of All Things Ever award just to give to him. Granted, I enthusiastically agreed with you, but that's beside the point. Everyone loves Kirk, and everyone should! I too was surprised to see Robin Wright in this. It's difficult not to see her as Claire Underwood right now, but yea, we didn't need to adjust for very long. She gone. I really liked that this was set in the 1910s, The women's suffrage movement hadn't even succeeded yet! Juxtaposing the warrior princess against this more misogynistic time period allowed for a lot of effortless "Girl Power!" moments. Diana walking right into the all male strategy meeting for WWI. Diana yelling at a general for disregarding the loss of innocent lives from the safety of his office. Wonder Woman breaking a year long stalemate somewhere on the front lines by just bulldozing through German troops with dumbfounded male soldiers following her lead. Not only is she a freaking sweet super hero, but she is also a great woman. Jenkins clearly wanted to make exactly that point, and she did so exceptionally well.

The epitome of the every man's body

Roy: Speaking of Jenkins, I really enjoyed how well she kept the bad guy reveal under wraps until the exact moment that she wanted you to know who Ares truly was. There was no telegraphing moments that amounted to the bad guy all but winking at the camera and twisting his mustache. From the moment that Diana figured out who Ludendorff was, it was obvious to me that he was not the main bad guy. He had lackey written all over him. With this film being heavy on the girl power I expected Dr. Maru, the biochemical creating madwoman to end up as the top villain. Learning that the always excellent David Thewlis was handed that role surprised me. He spent the majority of the movie being helpful and supportive, yet not overly so. Thewlis gets some of the credit for playing the character so well. Which is not surprising because when hasn't he been brilliant? Unfortunately, he was also central to the only truly laughable moment of the movie. Once he transformed to Ares, the god of war, he had a body that one would associate with a Greek god. Jenkins went with talent over physiology. It was the right move. It was still funny to see him jacked. 

Cody: I really did not expect him to end up being the main villain. I had started to wonder if Ares was just not going to appear in the movie despite the clear foreshadowing from the Amazons earlier. I was impressed by that as well. I was also impressed by the central theme of believing in humanity. Not since The Dark Knight has a superhero movie so perfectly nailed the relationship between heroes and humanity. In order to keep doing their job, they have to believe in us as much as we believe in them. In the climactic moment of Wonder Woman, she is ready to walk away from humanity for good. She finds a reason to believe and fight despite the fact that humanity doesn't deserve her (what could be that reason? Oh, I don't know. Maybe her love of Captain Kirk!!). The final battle was great, but it was made so much better after watching her debate walking away from it all. Completing the Justice League connection, Bruce reminds her of how she once believed in humanity, by well, reminding her of her lost love. We all love Wonder Woman. We all love Batman. Superman is...dead? Let's get ready for Justice League!

The COARD: Baywatch

The COARD goes swimming. Sometimes you have to get on that board and try to ride the big one, but sometimes the waves send you flying. You attempt to build an elaborate sand castle, but the rising tide comes in and sweeps it away. You try to resurrect a cheesy 80s TV franchise, and...

Cody: Well, it wasn't horrible. But was it any good? It's really tough to say. This movie left me internally befuddled. I laughed hard. More than once! I also rolled my eyes, mock vomited, and faked sleep. It feels like I should say this movie was mediocre, and that's probably the best way to describe it. Although, I want it to be clear that this movie was never mediocre in any one single moment. If you pull a random three minute clip of this film, it's either going to be pretty freaking funny or borderline painful to watch, with very little in between. That just doesn't happen often! And nobody was immune! Overall, the cast did a competent job holding up the movie as far as they could, but still. Dwayne Johnson displayed his usual charm but had some stinker moments and lines. Efron was up and down. Daddario was mostly solid, but I'm not prepared to rave about her either. The best moments definitely included Johnson and Efron sharing the screen, and I feel satisfied with my expectations for the two of them going in. There's just so many other things that torpedoed expectations that I'm left with that befuddlement. Maybe Roy has more clarity.

Roy: This is our fourth movie review this summer. Maybe you're tired of Cody and I agreeing over everything. Well it's not our fault we're right! I blame Seth Gordon for making a movie with an outrageous premise and only passing moments of good comedy. At times, Baywatch knew exactly what it was. A show about lifeguards pretending to be police. Which is even more ridiculous if you say that out loud. Because they were, at times aware of this fact, they made fun of themselves and the original show. These were some of the better moments. However, this film fell prey to the same problem that the original show did. The story would progress and they took themselves a little too seriously... Ok, way too seriously. Which was odd because it was clear they did not set out with that intent. Unfortunately the deeper in the story we got, the worse this movie became. Baywatch was at its best in the light moments, unfortunately when it tried to get real it fell flat on its face. The saving grace was how well it was cast. Namely the two leads. That's not to say the supporting cast drowned in failure. On the contrary they showed up to work and got the job done, even if none of them shined. If this movie did not have the star power of Johnson and Efron as the driving force, it would have been an unmitigated disaster.

Pretty actor,
looking to be taken seriously

Cody: I agree with Roy that our agreement is because of our superior ability to review films. Agree agree agree. Anyway, I really want Efron to be better than he is. He hasn't done anything legitimately good since the first Neighbors. We Are Your Friends was obviously a disaster, Dirty Grandpa was almost decent, and Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates was mostly painful. I just...I just want my boy Efron to be considered a success. At the very least a solid lead in funny films. He's more than just a pretty face! I swear! Dwayne Johnson is in every movie, so he can afford a less than epic outing like this. Sigh. He's got a movie coming out this Christmas where he stars alongside Hugh Jackman called The Greatest Showman. No trailer yet, but I am tentatively hopeful for this one. Are you with me, Roy? Eh?

Roy: Well Cody, the good news is your boy Zac has accepted the litmus test that will prove once and for all if he's got the chops to make it, or if he's destined to be just another pretty face. He is going to star in Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile which is the story of one Ted Bundy. If Efron transforms himself into arguably the worst serial killer in our country's history than he will definitely be viewed differently. Only time will tell. Also, I know what everyone is thinking, and I resent the implication that we are occupying our time with Zac Efron filler because we chose to review a sub-par movie. This is an important issue! Who would have thought that the kid from High School Musical would get this far? Not us, and certainly none of you. You want me to sum up Baywatch for you in one sentence? It was a movie that was at times painful in its execution, while managing to be legitimately funny in small moments. There. That's the movie. If you do not handle adult humor and male nudity well, you definitely should not go see this movie. If you are bored and have nothing going on..... you definitely have better options available to you. I'm not saying don't waste your time, but you will definitely feel like you mostly wasted 120 minutes when you are through.

We will now discuss the key plot points, or lack thereof, for this movie. If you would prefer to avoid spoilers, this is your exit point.

Cody: Okay, so let's stay on Efron for a minute. His character was directly based on Ryan Lochte, right? The writers either did this on purpose or they did it on accident, but nobody can convince me it isn't the case. The worst parts of the movie that included Efron were centered around his arrogant but insecure Olympic swimmer profile. Although, it was still better than What Would Ryan Lochte Do?. The fun flip side of this was Johnson refusing to ever call Efron's character by his real name, peaking when Johnson straight up called him, "High School Musical." I would like to know how many of those lines were improvised, because my guess is it was a lot of them. Basically, Dwayne Johnson is the best.

Zac is wondering the same thing as the rest of us

Roy: If there was one Olympic swimmer that we all had to bet on staying up late the night before the relay and losing it for his team by vomiting in the pool, we would all choose Ryan Lochte. But that story line didn't bother me too badly. Efron did a great job with what he was given. There were a few things that really bothered me. Mainly, the chubby dork in the movie. I haven't seen him in anything else, and I won't bother learning his name because I'd rather forget him all together. This is a trope that is familiar to many movies. The dork longs to run with the cool kids, and for some unexplained reason they let him in. This was fine, we've all seen it before. Baywatch didn't add anything new to that particular story line. In addition, the guy acts like a pathetic moron in front of the woman he is in love with and has zero redeeming qualities when it comes to wooing his muse. We all have come to expect that he will get the hard friend zone from the hot girl he's slobbering over, right? Wrong. Inexplicably, they end up together. It would almost be believable if the two actors had any chemistry with one another. Sadly, they did not. Can someone have negative chemistry? Because they did. It was negative amounts of chemistry between the lovely Kelly Rohrbach and "the guy with the most underwhelming IMDB filmography ever." Some of the most painful on screen moments came courtesy of these two.

Cody: They literally had negative chemistry. I found myself frequently wondering if the material was more to blame or the actors. It was a legitimately tough debate. Both were quite bad. There was only one pairing in the movie that was worse than those two. Priyanka Chopra and anybody. Particularly when she was doing solo duty as the villain. The scenes with Oscar from The Office felt like they should be tense, but were so far from it that I wondered if they were supposed to be funny. They weren't funny either. I still have no clue if she was a villain that was supposed to be taken seriously (not even close) or was meant to be a funny cliche of action movie villains (closer, but still missing the mark). There's a central theme here. I did far too much thinking in this movie. I walk into a summer blockbuster starring the likes of Efron and Johnson, and I want to clear my mind and laugh at some mindless entertainment for two hours. I laughed enough to not be angry about the whole experience, but I thought, debated, and questioned far more. Viewers shouldn't have to decide if you're trying to be serious or funny. It should just organically occur. The body of evidence suggests Baywatch was ultimately more bad than it was good.

Roy: I've trashed this movie enough, let's quickly talk about the bright spots. Almost everything Dwayne Johnson did worked. He was funny when it was called for, and he was believable as the over-achiever who saves everyone. Unfortunately, he also gave us maybe the worst moment of the entire movie. As Chopra is making her escape he delivers his "action hero killing the bad guy clever quip." Except it was terrible. and made no sense. In the pivotal moment in the movie he kills her with an industrial firework (you read that correctly) and says, "I'm oceanic ________!" That blank spot is reserved for the MF-Bomb that he dropped to give the poorly written line some depth maybe? I'm not sure because as bad as it reads now, experiencing it live was worse. I'm irritated with this movie, it could have been so much more. Wait. I said I would talk about the bright spots, didn't I? Yikes. Well. Sometimes you kill the bad guy girl with an over-sized roman candle, and sometimes you vomit in the pool. I think we all know which route Baywatch took.

The COARD: Alien: Covenant

Week 3 brings us into the depths of our collective greatest fear. Namely, being killed in the most painful and gruesome way possible as a terrifying monster eats you alive. Or makes you a brief incubator for its disgusting spawn and you die a very painful death by being eaten alive, but from the inside as the creature creates an exit through your chest cavity. Either way, I don't see a long line of people signing up for such a fate. There is a long line, however, of people willing to see this movie. The COARD is definitely on that list. Details of this movie will be discussed. If that bothers you, stop at the appropriate point. But you'll be missing out. All the good stuff will be unraveled in the spoiler section. Good luck and God speed.

The Xenomorph in all of its pants ruining glory

Roy: You should all know something about me. I love the Alien franchise. Which is odd because I was kept from it most of my life. If you ask my father, he will tell you about the time he went to see Ridley Scott's 1979 original, Alien, with his sister and he vowed he would never watch that or any sequel ever again. He can't be blamed. I just re-watched the original last night and if you saw it in 1979, leaving the theater with a clean pair of shorts would have been nothing short of a miracle. If this sounds familiar it's because Cody and I have covered this ground before. Alien: Covenant is one of the prequels to the four movies that make up the Alien franchise. I say one of the prequels because Ridley Scott has big plans. As previously stated I'm biased when it comes to these films. So it shouldn't surprise you to find out that I loved it. There was so much to enjoy about this movie. Ridley Scott is one of my favorites and is on the short list of directors that I will see anything they do. From Blade Runner to Gladiator to The Martian, he has easily made some of the most enjoyable movies that I can think of. He poured all of his considerable talents into Alien: Covenant and has come out on the other side with a beautiful film. The best word I can use to describe this movie is "unsettling." Scott had every intention of making us squirm for the two hours he held us captive. Not just from the Xenomorph that finally gets some screen time after the brilliant foundational tease that was Prometheus, but from the rest of the cast as well. This film makes you uncomfortable. It's in every facet of the picture; the setting, the cast, the story, the horrors that you uncover. It could be argued that the scariest moments of this movie occur when the Xenomorph is off screen. For this Scott shares credit with the amazing Michael Fassbender, who........ I suppose I should let Cody talk now. But only if he promises not to hate all over this movie by pooping in my ice cream.

Cody: I can't imagine a world in which one poops in the ice cream of a passionate Ridley Scott monologue. I'm not as high on this movie as Roy, but there's no possibility of pretending to take a contradictory tone. I may not be a fanboy, but I'm also not an idiot. The movie was good. There's no denying it. Ridley Scott's range of viewer delight goes from "that was decent" to "holy @#$% ." This lands squarely in the middle of those two poles. What takes it from decent to truly good is the seemingly always improving Michael Fassbender. The rest of the cast could have been played by Jeff Dunham's puppets and Fassbender would have carried them into something resembling a good movie. I didn't even know who this guy was until he played Magneto in X-Men: First Class. That was only six years ago. Two years prior he was allowed to flash his serious chops while playing Lt. Archie Hicox in Inglorious Basterds, but the name recognition didn't occur for me until Magneto, because duh, you don't forget Magneto. Before that, his only role in a film that I've really heard of was like the seventh most important character in 300. After First Class, he's starred in at least one major film every year, but I really don't understand what took so long. He is killing it and has quickly ascended to a firm spot on the list of actors who I would go to the theater to see in anything. That's not a long list of people, because these coveted spots are not for life. A series of bad choices might land you in the "only if I hear good things" zone *cough Will Smith cough*, But Fassbender? He was amazing in Alien: Covenant, and you better believe I'll be seeing The Snowman in the fall. I'm going to see a movie that includes the phrase, "ominous-looking snowman" in its story description. That's when you know an actor has ensnared my attention.

Roy: I'm already all in on The Snowman by the way. Cody and I may have been the only two men in the world who both went to and enjoyed The Light Between Oceans. The real life couple of Fassbender and Vikander produced a gut wrenching film that was a beautiful thing to behold. As good as she was in that, Fassbender matched her intensity the entire time. So it is no surprise that he continues to astonish us with his talent. He reprises his role as the android David and does so to chilling effect. While watching him it's easy to forget that he's a real person in front of a camera and instead become transfixed by his performance as an android. It's in the way he moves, the way he speaks. Ridley Scott sets the tone in this film with a heavy dose of dread. Things begin to go wrong immediately, which isn't a spoiler unless you've literally never seen any of these movies. If that's the case, you're not starting with Covenant. Beyond the dread that bubbles up from the story, it's how he films this movie. He gives the actors room to convey and carry the emotion of the film. He doesn't try to make the scenery a character, everything in this film points to the actors. The fact that it was cast so well adds to the strength of the movie. Billy Crudup can always bring home an excellent performance and Katherine Waterston shines in a role where she has no magic wand this time to help her out of sticky situations. Even Danny McBride shows up and does well. Which was a little surprising. I don't think I'm alone in finding it difficult to take him seriously any time I see him. He has crafted quite the career playing the buffoon and typically does that really well. In Covenant, he shows that he too has some range. It was a nice change of pace.

Danny McBride in Pineapple Express,
one of his many interchangeable roles

Cody: Danny McBride was my biggest concern coming into this, actually. There are few actors who I would be less likely to take seriously. He was used exactly the right way in Covenant, though. Yes, he was serious, but he also wore a cowboy hat, sang Take Me Home, Country Roads by John Denver, and provided other moments of minor comic relief. I say minor because, well, people were frequently being eaten. It's more of a nervous chuckle than a full belly laugh, but even a forced chuckle is a welcome reprieve from the constant sense of foreboding that surrounds this movie. So in a roundabout way, I suppose I'm happy Kenny Powers joined the crew for this one. Is everyone else ready to discuss the gruesome ways in which some characters met their untimely end? Strap up, people.

Spoilers will now commence. Turn away if you have a weak stomach or plan on seeing this movie and just haven't gotten around to it yet. You want to go into this one fresh and wondering what the crap is going on. 

Roy: I apologize if you've already grown tired of the Fassbender love. It's not going to slow down here... When Prometheus ended I wasn't sure what to think of David the android. Yes, he poisoned Dr. Holloway and was largely at fault for everything in that movie going to hell in a hand-basket. However, it was unclear if he was following orders from his sinister boss Peter Weyland who was willing to trade anything for extended life. When an Engineer brained Weyland and David was free of that entanglement would he show a gentler side? We just didn't know. Even if you did not trust David at the end of Prometheus, there was no way to know what was coming from this character in Covenant. David was obsessed with creation. To find out that he tinkered with the Xenovirus (black goo) until he created the perfection that is the Xenomorph blew my mind. It wasn't just finding out that David was the creator as opposed to the Engineers. It was the horrors that he was willing to commit in order to reach his goal. After the events of Prometheus unfolded, Dr. Shaw took care of David, re-installed his head and trusted him. In one of the more gruesome moments of the film, we are shown how she is repaid for such kindness. Used as an experiment for David to perfect his horrible creation. The Alien franchise is no stranger to human villains. The Weyland corporation has always been more interested in studying the Xenomorph than stopping it. But for the first time in six films the largest monster on the screen was not the nightmare inducing Xenomorph. It was something far more terrifying. An andriod. One designed to be attractive and as close to human as possible. It was obvious from the opening scene of the film that from his moment of creation David was aware of what he was. In addition to his self-awareness David believed he was better than his creator. That opening scene was excellent foreshadowing for later when David revealed himself to be the worst sentient being in the entire universe.... Like, all of it. The whole thing.

Cody: Well somebody has a lot of free time on their hands. The sum of all my knowledge of Alien backstories: Sigourney Weaver. So when I saw Michael Fassbender in the opening scene of Covenant, I grabbed another handful of popcorn and thought, "huh, guess I forgot he played an android in Prometheus." Roy's over here diving into subplots of subplots with a fervor usually reserved for only the craziest Game of Thrones enthusiasts. Clearly, I wasn't waiting with bated breath to see what would become of the original Fassbender android. I was mostly just excited for the one actor, two characters, and the same screen shtick that I have never failed to be impressed by since first seeing it in something like 1997. I have to agree with Roy on one thing, though, Evil Fassbender (aka David) was the scariest part of this movie. The cool, calculated way in which he committed such horrible deeds was what made it particularly unnerving. He also provided us with an absolute gem in the classic horror cliche: the "NO, don't go there." routine. When he lured Billy Crudup into the alien nest, I'm pretty sure I heard someone in my theater say, "don't look inside the egg, you idiot." Okay, fine. Maybe by "someone" I mean me. And by "say" I mean yelled at the screen. Whatever, you weren't there. It was scary. I didn't want a Xenobaby to suction cup the captain's face. Freaking Evil Fassbender. What a jerk.

The final moments of an idiot

Roy: The last scene I have to mention is when Fassbender had double duty and was playing the same model of two different androids. One good, one evil. Walter was the android on the Covenant. An upgraded model who was less human because the David model was found to be unsettling for those he was around, which isn't surprising if you've been following along. David instantly found a brother he believed would stand with him. In a scene with a homemade flute, David showed Walter how he cold learn to create. It was super seductive and playing on the edges of homoeroticism without ever landing squarely in that territory. It was a perfect scene that just added to the giant unnerving sandwich that was this entire movie. We have two more films in this series before we find out how the Engineer ship crash landed on LV-426 that sent poor Ellen Ripley down her terrifyingly dark path. So it wasn't a surprise that David ended up winning as the film closed. Which just added to my excitement for the next installment.

Cody: I can't even blame you for closing with another Fassbender reference. It's what we all wanted. I could touch on some of the more predictable aspects of the film, such as David successfully swapping places with Walter, but it's a horror film. It being predictable was, well, predictable. I'm going to leave you all with something a bit more...unexpected. Sorry, I had to. James Franco. I've heard of actors being in everything (See: Jackson, Samuel L.). I've never seen anything like James Franco. He has seventeen credits in 2017, following up ten from 2016. I don't understand how it even happens. Is he on speed dial for every producer in Hollywood? Or is he calling each Hollywood producer every other day to see if they could use a cameo from a well known face? How many producers have blocked Franco's number after hundreds of pleading calls? I don't ask for much; I just want to ask Franco why he is so willing to take his time to appear in so many roles. It's really a shame his character died. He could have been in thirty seconds of the next installment, then I might be just as excited as Roy.

The COARD: King Arthur: Legend of the Sword

The COARD kicks into gear with our second film on this summer's slate. King Arthur, one of the oldest legends in existence, gets another Hollywood reboot. Led by Charlie Hunnam and directed by Guy Ritchie, this film goes back to the beginning to tell its own version of Arthur's rise to kingship. We shall start with the non-spoilery parts of the film and give you ample warning before entering into the Darklands, aka spoilers.

Cody: Now this, this is what summer blockbusters are all about. Two hours of pure adrenaline and action! I give this a firm B-. It was not close to perfect, but it did just enough good things to stay respectable. I don't believe I'm straying too close to spoilers to say this film kicked off with a fantastic action sequence paired with a thrilling opening score. It's time to admit something. We totally blew it on haikus this week. One could argue that it's entirely my fault, but this is a partnership. Where I am at fault, Roy is at fault. Anyway, had we written the haikus, I would have painted a picture of strong apprehension. I went into this expecting it to be either bad or really bad. The first few minutes proved I had been worried for nothing. Guy Ritchie kept the pace up from minute one, and I was just along for the ride. Sometimes movies in this mold can lull and get bogged down in trying to build a story. One of the best compliments I can pay King Arthur: Legend of the Sword is that it did not feel like two hours. Time just breezed right by as I enjoyed one action packed scene after another. The only thing in between the action was solid banter between key characters. I'm surprised, but pleased, to say I enjoyed this one.

"I wonder how long it will take me to respect myself again?" 

Roy: Yeeeeahh... The haikus. This was totally my week to get the ball rolling and it never materialized. My haiku was going to paint a clever picture how there was no way this would live up to Monty Python's version of Arthur Pendragon. From the trailer it looked like this story wasn't going to stay too close to the famous legend. Which isn't a surprise. We have had three modern day re-tellings of this tale and all three had significant problems. Let's begin with Excalibur. If you've seen it I don't have to remind you that it definitely took some early 80s liberties. Then we have First Knight where Richard Gere plays a long haired Sir Lancelot. I think that proves my point. Lastly, we have the Clive Owen and Keira Knightly's laughable attempt in King Arthur. The largest shared problem with the last two attempts at this story is magic was left out of them entirely. How can you tell the tale of King Arthur and just ignore the magical foundation? Guy Ritchie did not make this mistake. That being said, if you go to Arthur expecting a carefully crafted re-telling, you will be completely disappointed. Ritchie took the foundation of this story and re-imagined it, with all of the devices that one would expect from a Ritchie movie. It totally worked. The dialogue was snappy, it was well cast and acted, and most importantly the story was interesting. I kept expecting it to be predictable. These sorcery and sword tales follow a familiar formula. However King Arthur kept making unexpected left hand turns. Just when I thought I knew what plot device was coming next, the story moved forward in an unexpected way. It was refreshing. You will hear many negative things about this movie. Words like "flop" and any other adjective that explains how much money this film lost. It may even be tied to that three syllable word Hollywood won't even utter at night when it's alone.... Waterworld. But I never understood Hollywood's aversion to that film either. Don't get me wrong, it had its problems, much like King Arthur does. But neither film deserved the shellacking it got or is in the process of getting now.

Cody: We here at The COARD are certainly capable of our fair share of pretentiousness; however, we're also not afraid to have fun. That's the problem with most critics, they're afraid to have a little fun. Well that, and that they're all sheep. Once one has decided a movie is trash, they all fall in line. Don't succumb to their high brow opinions. As Roy stated, this is clearly the best of the King Arthur movies over the last three plus decades. Guy Ritchie does deserve most of the credit for making this an enjoyable ride, but my favorite part of the whole thing was the score. I already stated that it sucked me in immediately, and it did not let up from there. It does follow some cliche action/adventure themes (e.g. heavy drumming). I'm willing to look past that if you can pull me in with other unique additions. Daniel Pemberton has 115 IMDb composer credits, and I've somehow seen exactly zero. The vast majority are TV shorts and documentaries, but still. This guy is on my radar now. I really hope this movie ends up breaking even/making a little money. It doesn't deserve to be a complete flop (unlike that eye roll worthy film that Roy so recklessly brought up). I liked it enough that I would even give it a second watch on Blu-ray one day. I'm not sure why our opinions have to be so much better than everyone else in the cinema world. They just are. It's a heavy burden we carry, Roy. A heavy burden.

Roy: You Cody Potter, are a smug, little man. Fine.... You've successfully baited me. Let's talk flops. First of all, Waterworld definitely deserved better than you rolling your eyes at it. It's biggest mistake? Being 10 years or more ahead of its time. If that movie was released today it would have gotten such a big pass for its environmental message even though it never really had one to begin with. However, it would be viewed as an "important film" because of the polar ice caps completely melting. And here is the secret no one likes to talk about. Waterworld made money. You heard me correctly. It did pretty well overseas and ended up 29 million in the black. Kevin Costner's next foray into the post-apocalyptic world did not go so well. If we adjust for inflation The Postman lost 104 million dollars. But guess what? I like that one too. It has an interesting premise and it's Costner. It also didn't deserve its bad reputation. If we begin going down the list of biggest flops of all time we see a miraid of movies that should have never been made. Let's play a quick game. I always wonder how movies like the ones on the following list get out of the pitch meeting. I am going to give the tag line that I like to imagine closed the deal.

John Carter - "It's Tim Riggins fighting Martians! Mars Forever!"
Jupiter Ascending - "It'll be great! We're going to give Channing Tatum elf ears and cool space roller blades!"
The Adventures of Pluto Nash - "It's Eddie Murphy! How big of a miss can it be?"
The Lone Ranger - "Think Captain Jack Sparrow. But Native American Captain Jack Sparrow. Also he makes clicking noises to his horse."
47 Ronin - "Keanue Reeves as a white Samurai. It worked for Tom Cruise?"

Here is my point. King Arthur absolutely does not deserve to be listed next to these movies. Cody was right. It was fun.

And with that, we enter the badlands. The place where all young knights must go to forget who they were and become who they were born to be. Or something like that. The scene was pretty rushed, okay. Anyway, spoilers!

This would have been way cooler if the lion was building sized

Cody: I have a confession. I totally would have signed off on Tim Riggins fighting Martians if I was a studio executive. We all have our blind spots. A lot of little moments in King Arthur stood out to me, more than any big spoilerific themes. I've said a lot of good things about this movie, now it's time to bring up something that I didn't like. It brings me great pleasure to welcome the return of deus ex animal! For those of you paying attention, Tarzan last summer was rife with deus ex animal moments, so much so that it ruined the whole thing for me. Thankfully, King Arthur didn't overdo it, but it couldn't get by without one such moment. Blue was captured, Arthur has to turn himself over to Vortigern, and hope is no where to be found. Enter a 50 foot mage controlled viper! Honestly, deus ex machina, or my so cleverly named deus ex animal, happens all the time in movies like this, so while I rolled my eyes, I'm not holding it too seriously against it. I'm just happy it was an insanely large animal that did it. Good show, I say!

Roy: Apparently no one is allowed to have a carefully crafted plan involving animals without Cody crying deus ex animal. Has anyone seen Cody ever play fetch with his dog? Let me answer that for you. No. Because he spends most of his time scolding his dog for catching and returning the frisbee because the frisbee is unable to find its own way back to his hand. Look, I could go over the disappointing aspects of this movie. Because there were moments were things felt unnecessary or could have been explained more thoroughly. But the good moments out shined the bad. And this movie is getting enough bad press without us piling on. One aspect I liked in particular was Charlie Hunnam's portrayal of King Arthur. If there is one thing we know Hunnam can do, it's wrestle with a destiny that he feels burdened by. He did this to great effect in the seven season of Sons of Anarchy. However it wasn't just Arthur's struggle to accept his future that I enjoyed. After Arthur defeats uncle Vortigern and has been declared King of the Britons, he can be found sitting at a table with his boys. He's not on a throne or a dais. He's at a table. Some of his boys are sitting on said table, some have their feet up. It was a small touch that I enjoyed very much. It tells us that Arthur is not changing who he is. At his core he's a man who just wants to enjoy life with those closest to him. There's no reason being a king should get in the way of that.

Cody: Until a giant crocodile shows up and eats them all! I'm just assuming... What we really learned is that it is always good to have the mage on your side. And a weird underwater lady ghost who forces you to fulfill your destiny after you throw your magical sword away like a little pansy. But mostly the mage helped. Charlie Hunnam really did make the movie, though. So much so that I might even consider one day trying Sons of Anarchy, which would make Roy's head explode. Of course I would rather just see him in King Arthur 2: Legend of the Crocodile Who Ate the Round Table, but you take what you can get.

King Arthur or Jax Teller? Both. The answer is both.

Roy: I've made a few mistakes in my life that continue to haunt me. I'm no different than any other man I suppose. One of these mistakes was initially over selling Sons of Anarchy to Cody. He was already borderline turned off because he hates motorcycles. And fun. Eventually this game has become a staring contest that Cody is having with himself. He likes good TV. And he acknowledges that he has a Sons of Anarchy gap. Charlie Hunnam can help our cause by continuing to perform well in the good roles he's getting. Eventually Cody will crack. Unfortunately, Hollywood probably won't. So don't expect a sequel to King Arthur: Legend of the Sword. Which is more of a bummer than any number of Sons of Anarchy spoilers I could throw out there but won't. I refuse to help Cody win his staring contest.